Monday, January 30, 2012

Stuck In A Rut???

This may seem a little long, but bare with me, I have a point =)  At some point in time,  I dont know when it was, I'm thinking in my 30's... I finally learned who I was. Haha, that sounds funny, but I really do think you go through periods in life where you try to please other people, so you never really find out who you are until you are just sorta over all that...and living YOUR life.  you pleased your friends just to fit in, or you tried to please your parents because, well you gotta, you pleased your teachers to get good grades, and as for me, Im a preachers kid, so well I had to sort of be on my best behavior and please those around me, as I suspect a politicians family, or celebrity's family or actually any families might do, if even just to your neighbors....People are just very concerned with what people think in general. 

I went through a great deal of my life, not even realizing I didnt know myself. I didnt know what my personality was, what really interested ME, what dreams I had, what characteristics I had that could benefit others. I just didnt.. I venture to say, many people go through this and dont even realize it until they went through it, discovered who they are and it shocked them, like ...ooooohhhhh, so THIS is me!!! I didnt even know I was looking for myself!! =) 

In the last few years, I discovered to simply be ME. If you dont like it, oh well. If I set my sites on pleasing YOU, and I am unhappy, then it's simply not worth it.  And I dont think that is how God wants us. He created us each so uniquely beautiful and we each DO have a service to others...but that service isnt simply for their approval, it is to help them and bless them. For so long, I avoided confrontation no matter how much something bothered me.  Or I avoided asking questions, no matter how confused I was. Or I avoided my own personality, because somebody might not get it. Thats just so wrong, in so many ways, for so many reasons.

On that same note, with sometimes those dreams or talents being different than those I am so close in contact with, I always felt a little out of place. I dont preach. I dont sing. I dont play an instrument. I'm silly and sarcastic and I make alot of jokes at my own expense or sometimes at those I can get away with  ;-). I cant speak in public, I can barely speak in private. I tried once to minister to a stranger and I was shaking so bad, the person actually looked at me like she was scared of me, because I was a freak or something! I like making videos and taking pictures and editing and graphics, but what do I do with that, half the time it makes people annoyed with me that I dare to make a video starring myself or take a picture or! 
(Side note: One time though, a few years back, MTV actually contacted me about one of my videos, where I was making fun of McDonalds Drive Thru and they wanted me to be a part of some show they did that made fun of Music I guess I was funny?? )
ANNNYYWAYYSSS... PLUS, I am brutally open and blunt about alot, so much so, I probably embarrass people close to me, in fact I know I do! But I cant change who I am based on the approval of others, I can only ask God, "ok God....I need a direction here, I need YOU to use ME how you created ME to be, and I cant fit into anyone else's agenda of who I should be." Speaking for myself, thats just not a fun place to be. In fact, Ive wound up in tears because of it many times..

Two things I want~ 1) I want to please God. 2) I want to be happy in doing so with what he has given ME. I DO see things in myself that God has placed in me, and I love being a wife and a mother, but how on earth am I ever going to go beyond the walls of my own house, or the life that I am accustomed to and pursue those dreams God placed in me when I was a teenager? This is where I have been, living the dream of  "I have a dream that someday..." and just watching my life go by, and never really pursuing it.  Today I woke up and God was speaking to me concerning moving on past my past and moving forward to obtain his prize. And as I meditated on this throughout the day, These thoughts start forming, coming only from the Lord, of course,  and I began to write them down. The funny thing about me, is when something is heavy on mind or I am in deep thought about a topic, I think in "poetry form." Thats one of those weird, most likely God given qualities that I have, that sometimes I'm like "huh? what do I do with that?"  Anyways, God shared with me his warmth, his sweet nature, and his encouragement. I was blessed to tears... and I just wanted to share with you, for all those of you who feel stuck in rut with your day in and day out life, THIS may be for YOU too!

CliCK on my LOVE NOTES page link above to read what God so sweetly whispered to me =) 

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Bob Adams said...

Great blog. Thanks for being transparent.

Julie Marie said...

thanks again for the encouragement, Bob!

TicoTina said...

oh man, that other comment really weirded me out for a second because that is my dad's name, LOL

I SO identify with your "finding yourself in your 30s" thing - I just turned 30 6 months ago and it was like something just clicked in me right when I was going to have that "milestone" birthday. I was like you know what? screw it! I'm just going to be me!!!!! I don't want to waste any more of my life only half living! I think I even hadn't been totally true to my personality, like you said, but even more than that I hadn't been true to what was in my heart to be doing. I was kind of pursuing my creative side quietly on the side, but not being confident and just going with it even if the people around me didn't get it. I realized I was waiting for someone to validate me before I put myself out there.

I think the thing I like most about the blogging community is finding people that you're on the same wavelength with!

I'm off to check out your Love Notes because I totally do the same thing, but not all the time, just randomly when I really let myself feel things =)

Hanna said...

I totally embarass my famy members too!! Someone once told me, "oh your mom must be so proud" and I just thought to myself, no in fact Shes mortified!! But what can I do? Speaking my truth is all I know and I have to do what I feel!!! Another great post Julie!

Cody Doll said...

I am bold, open and brutally honest. I have gotten use to people staring at me in an odd way. I tend to shy away from people, for their sake. I also happen to think in "poetry form" when I have something on mind, usually placed there from God. I have TONS of poems that I have wrote out my feelings.

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