Showing posts with label Being You Is Incredible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Being You Is Incredible. Show all posts

Monday, April 4, 2016

Apology For Being Me

A few days ago I caught myself semi apologetic... for being myself.

I heard myself saying to a friend, "I wish I wasn't like that, but I am. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I didn't share stories. I wish that with every post on social media, 75 bazillion words didn't accompany it."  Or something of that nature...
But words. They follow me like that cloud of dirt that follows Pig-Pen around on Charlie Brown. They spill out of me, out of my mouth, off of my fingertips, and they will swim around in my head for days and days if I don't liberate them in some way. It's almost embarrassing. Almost. But not enough to stop me.

I realized that somewhere in between the end of 2015 and now, I've said nothing. Strangely enough. At least not here. 
And I tried to do a little soul searching to find out why the silence. We (writers, bloggers, and the like) go through our "I've been quiet" phase and we usually have a good reason for it. For reasons that usually bury themselves somewhere between moderately intellectual and magnificently heart expanding.

But honestly, sometimes we just aren't feeling it. Sometimes it simply boils down to the truth in what we say, when we say "I have kids. I was tired. I was watching Netflix. (yes 3 months of Netflix)." Sorry, but it's true.

I'm forcing myself, for tonight... to write. Because I love to write. I love to think. I love to process. I love to explain. And I'm sure it's a treat for my husband too. Write something. Anything. I've had an assortment of well meaning, well thought out topics of things to write about these past few months, but you know... Netflix and whatnot.

But let's bounce back to my apology for being me. There has never been a time in my life where I felt more confident in who I am. There has never been a time in my life where I recognized and understood and knew the Greater One on the inside of me, so much so that I've challenged and trusted myself to stand tall and strong because of Him. Each and every time an accusation against me and who I am dares flatter itself in my presence, I am reminded that its' not me, but Christ that lives in me. 
So why am I apologizing? Now I apologize for apologizing. 

Really, I think some days I owe God a great big "I'm sorry" for not trusting Him and His purpose in creating me.
I'm sorry for not realizing you really do want to use me. I'm sorry for thinking that all the quirks and personalities and genius in this world aren't something you can work with. I'm sorry for forgetting that you created this world, you imagined and spoke the 7.77 million animal species and the 298,000 plant species into existence. Why wouldn't you be the one to create a human race with distinctive skin colors and personalities and passions and expertise ? And why wouldn't you want to use each of us for your purpose and your glory, in our own significant and exceptional way?
It's all you, God.

I'm someone that gets a kick out of the vast and colorful array that makes up the human race. I don't mean skin tone. I mean, I unquestionably see God's handiwork in the abnormal, the artistic, the eccentric, the intelligent. We don't serve a robot and he didn't manufacture us to even be comparable to one another, really. We are all convincingly vibrant in our own way. And it all comes directly from our amazing Creator and Heavenly Father.

So, why do we question His design? Or even the purpose of His design. Scripture is clear. He knit each of us together with thought and purpose. We were intended. Why wouldn't He use our sense of humor, our words, our dreams, our quirks, our charisma, our passions for His glory? 
After all, It's not ours. It's His. We are His. 

YOU are nothing to shy away from or be embarrassed about. Your story is not yours. Your story of creation and redemption and everything that comes along with being His prized son or daughter... is for His glory. 

Use what He put inside of you. Be loud with it. Stand tall and be brave. Clutch it to your chest tightly and embrace it even. But don't bury it. Cultivate it and watch God continue to weave His purpose and plans into you and through you. 

There is nothing more rewarding in this life, than really truly knowing that you are His, knowing that He is big inside of YOU and He wants desperately to let Him use all of YOU (yes, you), for all of His glory.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.   My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth...
Psalms 139:13-15

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Ten Weird Things You Probably Don't Know About Me

1. 1. like offbeat characters and actors in movies. Jack Nicholson and John Malkovich are two of my favorites, because the rolls they play alot of times are creepy-ish and weird...and they just kind of seem, well offbeat I guess.

2. I get heart palpitations that are pretty intense. My whole body tenses up, mainly my back and my shoulders and I can't really move or talk when it happens. Sometimes I can predict it about it happen, like when I am laying on my right side and my left arm is sort of pressing against my heart if I'm curled up in a ball. Sometimes, it just happens randomly. I don't like it, but I'm used to it. The thing that concerns me is that usually Jeff is around when it happens and he keeps the kids away from me, because it could last anywhere from 2 minutes to 15 minutes...but if they are fighting or asking me for something and he is not there, I don't really know what I would do.

3. I am addicted to nasal spray. It's the same as any other addiction. The only reason I have to take it is because I can't breathe without it and I can't breathe without it because I've been taking it so long. If I don't take it at night, I have nightmares.

4. Speaking of nightmares, on several occasions I have had "Inception" type experiences in my dreams, where I dream within a dream within a dream. I try to wake myself up yelling (with no sound coming out) for "JESUS!" and when I do, I find myself floating down the stairs once again, realizing I am still in my dream. It's freaky.

5. I am a procrastinator. And I'm not really ashamed of it. I work best under pressure. I can have a weeks worth of work to do on the computer, that would take as little as an hour or two a day, but I save it all for one day, which is usually Saturday or Sunday.

6. I hate to smile with my teeth. If you look at my above sorta fake smile, even with my mouth closed my mouth is crooked and slightly open on one side. It's completely exaggerated if I do an open mouth "teeth" smile for a photo. The only way you will catch me smiling with my teeth for a photo is if I'm laughing, so I have to make weird sounds or jokes to make myself laugh.

7. I hate reading articles online or in magazines that give me information 'about' a person that is apparently newsworthy, unless that article or post was approved of by 'said' person.  I literally cringe when I see people post articles about other people, celebrities, politicians, preachers, etc on facebook of a negative or critical nature. I don't even give those articles the time of day, usually. 
I guess I wouldn't want people writing articles about me without knowing me, so I don't feel justified in sharing or reading information about them, whether what they do or say or believe is wrong or right. It's bad enough I have to see the name of the article and who it's about in my newsfeed, I wonder if people go searching for this stuff online to get the dirty dish on people. 
It's just not my thing, I guess. 

8. I'm in a constant battle with myself with taking responsibility and avoiding responsibility. I don't mean for my past actions. I am fully aware of when I do wrong and am capable of admitting it. But I mean when I see a need at church or if I feel like maybe I should be more responsive in the blogging community or in my personal friendships, I tell myself, "Ok, lets do this..."But then I get afraid if I committ, I will get overwhelmed and stressed out trying to  help others. So I am always trying to find a balance and search my limits and availability. And trying not to be selfish at the same time...

9. Peanut butter apparently gives me heartburn, particularly when I am pregnant, but cookies, bars,  or toast with peanut butter is unavoidably delicious to me, so I suffer through the burn to taste the goodness.

10. I cry at everything. If you have made me cry at some point or another, don't feel too special. I will tear up if someone texts a "K" instead of an "OK." For some reason it makes me feel like you are being short or abrupt with me and I am left wondering why you are such a jerk and what I did to deserve it because I am as sweet as pie... ;)

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Message To All Women

No matter what stage of life you're in, whether you are feeling weak,
whether your circumstances are less than acceptable.
Maybe you are at the top of your game.
you have a happy family, the perfect job...
Maybe you have enough blog readers, satisfy you.
Maybe, you feel sad or left out because you don't get noticed.
Maybe you want to lose weight, maybe you want to gain it.
Maybe you want a husband,
 Maybe you are desperate for healing in your broken marriage.
Maybe you have five noisy kids,
maybe you've had five miscarriages.
Whatever season of life you are in, good or bad.
You're seasons and circumstances don't define you.
Your job status or marital status doesnt define you.

You are worth more.
You have everything you need to be an AMAZING you. 
You have everything you need to give, to love, and to receive love.
I watched this video just moments ago, tears in my eyes...
and I wanted desperately to share it with all of you.
I hope you take a few minutes to watch this.
 You deserve it.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

That Girl?

Hey guys!
In my last summer/break update I mentioned there was a possibility of me speaking at a women's event over the summer. I can hardly believe I said yes. I committed to it. It was posted on our church website and facebook before I had the chance to back out. I have known for awhile (for close to a year) that God was leading me pushing me in this direction, but I certainly wasn't rushing it. Because I knew if setting any kind of example publicly (outside of my blog) were to ever happen, it would HAVE to be by the grace and strength of God. This has never been my thing.  In the words of my 4 year old, "REALLY? Me?"
Or Maybe you are thinking "Really? That Girl?" I know, right?
Because if you know me, I mean if you really know me, you know that I like to hide behind the scenes.

Despite that, I am stoked. I am beyond amazed at the things God has been teaching me this year and I'm excited to take it a step beyond typing and push myself to new territory. I love a good challenge. 
I'm trying not to over think what I am going to say, and just speak from my heart. I'm continually asking God for his wisdom to be revealed to me and that when I speak, it would be his words, not mine. In fact, this is something I have been praying daily in my personal life as well. That as I deal with my kids, as I love them, discipline them, guide them...or as I talk to my husband... or any other person or situation I come across during my day, that my words and my decisions would be guided with His wisdom.
Lately, I've been wanting more than anything to be completely in love with Jesus. I told him that. I told him I don't know if I'm always there, but I want to be. I want him to follow me around, hang out with me, everywhere I go...just like you would, when you start getting those tummy butterflies and wanting to be with the new love of your life every second of every day. I want to feel that with him. Sounds funny to type out, but it's the only way I can describe it. I want to fall in love. I wake up every day and say "Jesus, hang out with me. I want to know you are there. I want to feel your peace and your presence with me all day long, today, and every day." 
It's really something indescribable...when I know he is here with me. It's something new for me.

Anyways, just asking for your prayers as I take this small step in a big direction for my life. If you are in the Milwaukee area, by all means, come out and say hi! It's on Saturday, July 27th and it's a women's breakfast!  Shoot me a message or email if you need any info! I will touch base and let you all know how it went!
 Love you guys!

Monday, June 17, 2013

I Blogged After Six Weeks...Just In Case

Hi Friends!
It's been about six weeks or so since I said "goodbye." I went on my blog "break" hoping for a revelation of clarity and peace. Really, it's a slow process in my still very busy life, despite the fact that I haven't exactly been  'internet' friendly. I've learned there are two kinds of busy. There is the type of busy that keeps you physically exhausted. You have a to do list a mile long and you over plan and over commit yourself. Or you are like me, in which your mind is busy all the time. You can't stop thinking and processing and like I mentioned in my last post, once the silence hits, you have to find something to fill you find something to do, to read, to tweet, to blog, to stalk, to watch on television, etc.
My goal was to try to silence my mind, thus the shutting down of my personal facebook a few months back, my blog temporarily, and I really haven't stepped foot into our office space, other than a few errands I had to do for my church and would make a quick pop into twitter or my "blog" facebook page to let you all know what I was up to. But school is out for the summer, so that quiet time I was hoping to embrace has been a little slower than I had hoped for, because well, I'm still busy. It's a process... And each day is a new day, in which some days I wake up and I sit up in my bed, I grab my Bible, I grab a pen, my journal and a devotional and I just read and listen and write. That's all. I just sit and talk to God. I don't grab my phone and scroll through my email and my instagram. I sit. But other days, I wake up to a kid asking me for a cup or breakfast or to figure out the computer printer and there is no quiet time, my day has begun and before I know it, it's over...and I never got a chance to just sit. Those days disappoint me.

But I can see a light at the end of a noisy tunnel. At least I'm learning.

And in the middle of all the seemingly unavoidable busyness and chaos that makes up my life, I have still tried to embrace a bit of creativity that still stirs in me. I've taken up drawing, started playing with an art journal, turning our basement into a play room with some fun paint, handdrawn typography, outdoor fun chalk art with the kids... None of it by any means is "good" in my eyes, I'd barely say mediocre, yet I want to challenge myself to pursue something creative each day even if it's horrible, because I can only get better. 
At least I hope so...
And a first for me, it looks as if I might be speaking at a women's breakfast at our church. Believe it or not, in a family of preachers and musicians, I'm the quiet one. Or so it seems. I like to help, but staying "behind the scenes" is where I prefer. So this is scary for me. I've done a bit of acting in the past, but I always make sure I have a microphone with a headset, because my hands shake and I look like an idiot. So yeah, if this happens, it's a big step for me, but I'm excited, because God has taught me so much, and I'm excited to share it beyond the internet.

Anyways, as of right now, my plan is to come back to my blog in a more relaxed manner at some point. Possibly in the fall? And I've been putting this off, in order to decide if it matters or not. But I decided I would go ahead and throw it out there. I have no idea what is happening with the whole "google reader/google friend connect" thing. But I would so appreciate it, if you are a true reader of my blog and you have drawn any inspiration from anything I've said, I'd love if you would go ahead and hop on my bloglovin train and follow me there...just in case. Or even via email.
I realize many of you follow along via facebook or twitter, but if not I'd love to, well... not lose you.

And I know many of you currently follow along on instagram, so you are fairly updated with my life on a "daily" basis (not that it's that exciting), but if you don't and would like to, you can find me at awkwardtoart .
I still share my thoughts and inspiration as it comes to me there, just in shorter forms!

I have fun keeping up with a ton of you on instagram and my occasional twitter visits...
and I so look foward to hopping back into the "bloggers life" sometime in the near future. 
I do really miss it and miss you all...

Friday, May 3, 2013

Saying Goodbye For Now

I sort of feel like I've been standing far off watching my life lately. Like an out of body experience, I'm just standing there (or floating there?) watching myself do and say and live in the way I've done it for years. My life has been busy and I don't really mean physically, although that is certainly part of it. You can't really expect less with a family, but what I mean is I can't really remember what it was like for my mind and my mental and emotional state to not always be going and moving and doing. I remember life without the internet and kids, but when I try to think back I start to wonder, what on earth did I do before? The internet and having children  definitely has the capacity to keep you moving, in one way or another. Do you like how I clumped the internet in with my family? Sad, isn't it?
 For as long as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser. I do and I give and I  love, hoping desperately for people to like me and approve of me in return. Part of this is human nature, and I think part of this is having been raised in a preachers home and always wanting to be sure I didn't say or do anything to present a bad image for my parents. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing and I am certainly very loyal, but what I am saying is that is all I've ever known was to try to do things for other people, so in turn people would approve of me.

This drive turned insecurity has most definitely carried me through my adult life. There is a part of me that has always wanted to prove to people I am good and honest and genuine, somehow guessing that if I didn't keeping talking and trying to prove myself, they would think less of me (see? insecure). There is a part of me that is always subtly trying to find ways to get people to just like the person I am...either by being the happy one, funny one, the encouraging one, the helpful one, the selfless one, the smiley one, the friendly one, maybe even the helpless  or needy one, etc  It's not so much a cry for attention, but a fear of loneliness and being rejected.  And I think these qualities are all  parts of who I am, yet most times subconsciously I needed that love and acceptance in exchange. I needed to be needed.  My inward desperate plea is for people to validate me in one form or another.
 I see that as a weakness in myself.  Pure honesty here, folks.
And with that, I have spent the majority of my life being busy, mentally trying so hard...and I absolutely hate the feeling of wondering if people are thinking negatively of me in any way.
It literally scares me.
 I've sort of been watching myself, the things I've said, written and acted upon over time...the extremely uncomfortable lengths I have tried at times to avoid rejection...and I start wondering why I do that. What is this obsessive need for people to approve? Yes it's human, but mostly it's fear. And spending every moment of your life trying so hard to say or give or fix or do or beg or please or help so that you can feel love in return,
it gets exhausting. And I am sure it's unnecessary.

This blog...sigh, oh this little blog of mine has been on sort of teeter totter the past few months. I've sort of been on auto pilot mode with it so that my numbers didn't drop (see what I mean? fear), but not really having a lot to say.  I was talking to (actually crying to) my husband about this and how I am grateful I started this blog. Not only did I somehow find myself again in my love for creativity and art and writing, but it helped me sort of navigate my way through  an extremely sad part of my life.  And as wonderful as the blog community is and the friends are that I have met and love, blogging so far has been sort of a temporary fix for this frightened existence I've unknowingly lived. And it's kept me busy, so I don't have to think about it.  In the beginning I thought it was healing, but now  I 'm seeing  it's kept my mind off the fear of loneliness I didn't want to face.  I kept so busy in my writing trying to help, relate to and be there for people so I wouldn't have to think about myself and what could happen to me if I stop moving and thinking  and talking for a minute.
It's an unhealthy pattern for me, and I feel crushed if it doesn't work like I hoped. My heart is let down.
And I allow it to make me feel smaller than I should, I think.

 Not being busy is what scares me. Because that means life will be too quiet and I will have nothing to drown out that silence, which to me, embodies loneliness.  I realize that although I've tried,  I cannot change or control what others do or the way they see me, but what I can do is change and control the way I live and see myself and the rest will fall in place.  And I've never taken the time to just sit still, to let my mind rest and not always frustrate myself in my efforts and pleas.  I am convinced that I just need to be quiet for once and find a way to really love myself and believe in myself....and let God love me.

The internet in general has been a huge distraction for me over the past decade. Mainly the social media aspect of it. It has added a level of drama and excitement and  anticipation and torment to life that sort of blankets that fear of being bored  or unloved. It has covered it so eloquently that I forgot it was there. Just like a workaholic or alcoholic or drug addict or sports addict, social media and all the relationships I have managed to build within it have kept me preoccupied  in various ways. If you're a blogger or really anyone that has a relationship with technology, I'm sure you know what I mean. Especially in this smart phone era where the clamor is constantly begging our attention and it very literally makes my head spin some days.  It has been a band-aid and I have used it to an extent to hide behind. I think it's a good thing that I realize this and that I know now that I need to just hush the buzz of this techno paced world for awhile. Silence may the solace I need to recover from this disease of insecurity and to discover who I am without all the noise I've been constantly carrying in my mind. I want to know what it is like to live a quiet life and not be afraid of it. I want simply to embrace the sweetness of it.
Like any habit, I am aware of the pain and withdrawal it may first seem to cause , this quiet, but in the end it will help me be stronger and believe in myself and do more for myself, which in turn will help me love for bigger reasons than me.  I believe this is just one step of my 'big picture' and it will help my writing in the future... which I never plan to give up, even if it's just for me.

And it will give God one more opportunity each day to show me who He is to me.
My source of strength, comfort, confidence and peace will be in Him alone. It has to be.

Thank you to all of you who have read through my tumulus and thought processing blog and facebook posts and offered your generous words these past 16 months. Really, you are all very precious to me because you make up a part of my story, some in a little way, others in a bigger way. But either way,  you were there.... And if you were one of those who sort of stumbled across my scattered path of wanderings (and this may only make sense if you actually know me), either blindly or on purpose, I am sorry.  I think some people in my life understood me more than I understood myself at times.  This blog means a lot to me and it hasn't been an easy decision to sort of "officially" state that this particular season of this blog is over for me and I'm not sure how long this lull will last. Because of course it scared me to maybe lose readers and friends. But it is the best thing for me in this moment. I need for my confidence to be outside of people. A season of growth...
  I'm not sure right now what the future holds. I really can't say when I will be back here on From Awkward To Art, but I hope you are still here if/when I do make my way back. I suppose it will be at least as long as it takes for me to get used to my thoughts in silence and realize nothing has to be said of them. I don't always have to talk and do. I hope that's ok.

To hear only the voice of God and His assurance of who I am, no strings attached,
is what I am longing for.

So for now, I am saying goodbye.

Psalm 46:10-Be still and know that I am God...

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

If I Were A Song Writer...

Some days I wish I was a song writer. Or even a book writer. Possibly a poet. But for now I write in my online journal. My blog. Blogging is sort of awkward at times. All I really want is to get all these thoughts out. These thoughts that are jumbling up my brain as I work out or drive or shower. These inspirations, these aggravations, these motivations. I want to write them out. You know how you hear of a typical guy/girl fight. The girl wants to spill her guts, to vent...she doesn't necessarily want the advice of her guy, but she just wants someone to listen. I'm a hard thinker. Probably because I'm a girl. Maybe because I'm passionate. Possibly because I'm a writer. But I think hard. And a lot. And I usually want to spill it all out onto someone that will listen. I don't have a lot of those people, those people that won't form an opinion, but that will just listen. And the few I do have, I feel like I've worn them out with all my jumbled pile of dirty laundry... sometimes literally.  So, instead I dump my brain and spill my heart here, wanting to tell someone, but not necessarily wanting people to know it all.

I think blogging can be difficult, because you write things as they happen. It's a daily or weekly thing, in which people can read daily or weekly about what is going through your mind.  People can wonder immediately why you said that, offer you their advice or sympathy...or empathy immediately. And it's almost embarrassing. I've made it known that I am a pretty open book. I spill a lot of my heart out to people when I want them to care and I just spill a lot onto people in general... and after the fact, maybe a week or two later...maybe a year later, I get slightly embarrassed that you know so much. You don't know everything, but you know enough to think you really know me.

The truth is a blog post doesn't tell the whole story. It doesn't tell of the days leading up to the post, the years, the emotions, the events.
It simply explains what you are feeling right now or doing right now in this very moment and maybe what you have done or are doing about it. It's hard to tell the whole story about some things in thirty or forty-five minutes. Some stories could be a book. Some stories have back stories that have back stories that have back stories, but all you are reading is the here and now, the blog post. The event, or the emotion that is happening now...

 If I was a book writer, I could tell a story.  A real story of a real life and the events all the way back to childhood that led to me being a blogger today and maybe you would understand more.  I would have the time to expound on the tragedy, the reality , and the beautiful events that makes life what it is today. Your heart, your smile, your tears would read a long with the ups and downs of my life and conclude with me today on this day why I am the way I, the day you are finally reading this....but I don't have the time to do that
 If I was a songwriter, I could write a melody with lyrics about my life, my relationships, my fears...but you may never know it's actually about me . You would sing along. hum the tune of my song and feel the emotion, but never know how deeply I felt those feelings when I wrote that song that one day when I wrote it. You would hear the song years later and still sing along. You may wonder what the song actually was about, but never really know.   You may think it was about my marriage, when actually it's about a friends marriage. You may think it's about a spouse, but actually it's about an ex love.  Its catchy tune may disguise the intensity of the lyric, so you forget about the emotion behind it.  All you know is it's about love and it's struggles...And some of my songs that I wrote, I have only felt to some degree, but they aren't even my feelings. I am trying to write the feelings that I may perceive  in another human being or situation in the world, but they aren't actually MY feelings. They are not personal to me, other than that my heart is wondering and wandering through the lives of other people. Yet, a song touches so many lives for whatever reason and is felt in their soul years and years and years later, after the actual emotion was felt that made that song possible.

If I was a poet, I would write about life and nature and music and faith. I would use metaphors and similes, so that you would have to figure out what I was talking about. It would create a sketch in your mind of comparisons about life to storms and nature and animals and other inanimate objects. But very rarely would I come right out and say what I am thinking. And very rarely would you read it AS I was feeling it. You wouldn't read it until years later...again, after the fact. And you may find love and truth and intellectual beauty in it, but never will you really know the actual thoughts I was thinking in that moment.

Blogging is different. It's almost scarier I think . I don't cover my thoughts with a vast hole of time gone by so that one day people will know what I was feeling 5 years ago.  I don't engulf my feelings in a rhythm that others can sing a long to never realizing how real it felt when I wrote it. And I don't often use metaphors. Because it's journaling and it's immediate. I call it like I see it in that moment. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe I am too positive. Maybe I talk too much. But it's just me writing life as it comes at me. And it's scary, because even though we all have these thoughts we think, writing them publicly turns you into the target of possible judgment, humiliation, and questions right in that moment that you are feeling them. Do I want that?
Maybe you don't want a hug or advice. You might just have a lot to say... But maybe you do. and get nothing from anyone.  Maybe you just need a hug, but have no one around to give it to you. Maybe your heart is alive with inspired thoughts but you have no one to share it with. Whatever the case, it gets an immediate reaction by those around you to your very current thoughts and feelings. Whether bad or good. Sometimes it gets no reaction at all.  And the reaction or no reaction from others creates new thoughts and feelings and events that you write about. 

Either way, it's scary, because you lay all your emotion and inspiration on the line and you just wait to see what people will say (or won't say) over the next few days... But I still do it, when I want to, because I like to write. And for now this is what I can write for everyone to see.
This is what I feel. It's never hidden by the strum of a guitar or the stroke of keys.It's not handled with care over years and years
of editing and retelling the story. It is what it is today, in this moment, and as soon as I hit publish, you are reading it. I am what I am. I think a lot. I feel huge. I love big. Really big. I hurt hard. I care more than I care to admit. My heart never stops finding a place to feel compassion. My mind never stops wondering why things happen. My feelings never stop growing and getting stronger.  I never stop learning about myself and the way I do how I do.  And I never ever stop seeking God's wisdom for life...So I write it here, in this space of mine.
This space I've given over to the wondering and judgement and stalking and nosiness and hopefully sometimes admiration and inspiration of others. This space in which people can think to themselves, "What is REALLY going on with her?' Why did she REALLY write this?" Right now, no particular reason other than its me, thinking out loud. This space in which my family and friends can wonder about me.... or this space in which the people who are not my close personal friends can unfriend me if they dislike my current musings.
This is where I write. I write what is right here and now. And I hope here. I hope that in all my ideals and amusements and thoughtfulness, that one day someone, some way will some how find a moment of inspired faith and renewed interest in something they lost.

I hope that's ok. I hope it's ok that I say things and think things that you don't always understand. I hope it's ok that I am emotional.  I hope it's ok that God has given me a whole lot of ME to deal with, to use, to push. I hope it's ok that sometimes I just call it like I see it. I talk a lot and I feel so much and I don't always let you in on why...
It's ok with me if its ok with you... Actually either way, it's ok with me...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Am A Work In Progress

One thing I have always sort of struggled with is reaching perfection.
I'm actually laughing as I type that out, because it sounds as if I am saying that everyone
else is perfect, and I just
(That was me, climbing up a mountain, or swimming my last lap...or insert whatever
accomplishment you deem worthy of success or perfection.)
I never really realized I do this until one day a few years back, someone said to me,
"You are way too hard on yourself. I've always thought that about you."
Those words still ring in my ears. At the time I was thinking, "No I am not. I really am 
actually very screwed up and I deserve what happens to me."
Fast forward years later and I see myself as someone else, I don't see myself as the tattered
girl I once was, full of anxiety and depression and mistakes.
But I do make mistakes. Obviously . And I do have set backs. Bumps in the road.
Sometimes I even put those bumps there myself. I dig my own ditch. Ya know?
And sometimes I let those mistakes, for just a moment, bring me back to that broken mess
I saw myself as. That broken mess I was. It's like that girl who is on a diet, and she makes one mistake.
She eats one cookie and suddenly all is lost. Might as well give up because she already
screwed it up, right? Time for a food binge!
Something that God has really been teaching me lately is that every strive for perfection,
every goal, every healing is a process. It took you years to get into that mess. 
You will not come out of it overnight.
I've been setting my focus in on and praying this verse over my life...
This process, this perfection that we so desperately try to achieve, whether it be in our own
eyes, or in the eyes of another, will never happen.
Perfection isn't possible the way we think it should be. 
Yet, in God's eyes, he made us perfect, who he wanted us to be.
Sure, we may have screwed it up a little, or a lot, along the way.
 But to get us back to that place, the beginning, that place  in the Garden of Eden, 
where everything was beautiful. Where God created it, saw it, and it to him was good.
Every plant, every animal, both man and woman were created absolutely perfect,
... to get back to that place, it will take some time.
In fact, this verse says that it will take right up until the end. It's a life long journey.
God can't do it overnight. Actually, I am sure he could, 
but then how would we ever learn to not go down that road again?
Every bump along the way, every set back, every time I for some strange reason seek out what my torn up life was, setting myself up for failure and disappointment... 
it isn't a time to give up because I messed up things up bad this time...
It is a time to learn. To try harder this time.
And to let God do what he said He would do.

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love O Lord, endures forever.
Do not abandon the work of Your hands.-Psalm 138:8

He won't abandon you. Be patient. Stop looking back.
But if you do, remember practice makes perfect! Keep going.

Linking up with INTO THE WORD WEDNESDAY to share what God 
has been teaching me this week.

Six Ladies. Six Spaces! One Winner!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

If only I was...

If only I was...
more social
smiled more
cried less
could speak publicly
had whiter teeth
could sing
had more time for others
could love bigger
hand longer fingernails
had less scarring on my face
could control my kids better
worked out more
If only I was...
read more
could get a nose job
a boob job
a tummy tuck
had thinner thighs
longer legs
had a different voice
thinner arms
could give birth naturally
didn't get so stressed ou
was more popular 
wasn't taken for granted

If only I would see myself the way God sees me,
I would see this:
 She is more precious than rubies
  Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart
 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness"
  and instead of wishing I was somebody else, I would say this
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,   
I know that full well.

Lord, Your works are wonderful.


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

10 Things You Should Know Before You Meet Me

I can hardly believe in about a week I will be  trying on outfits, packing my bags, desperately
trying to lose 4 lbs in one day as I prepare to head to meet  Lisa & Ally,
2 other Wisconsin girls that I have never met and then we will make our way to Indy together for
 There we will meet up with over 200 other girls, bloggers, shop owners,women of tremendous
influence, including our other roomie, Kerrie and there we will gain inspiration in glorifying God in all that we do and just have some good ole fashioned girl time fun. I think?
I thought it was only appropriate that I take a minute to introduce you to my roomies, who I will
know so much better in a week and a half, but for now, I will let you know that I already love them.
Lisa from Mommas Me Time
Alli from Life On Leroy
Kerrie from The Williams Post

And I thought, Hey I better let them and all of you other people that may meet me soon
 a little bit more about me...

1) Just to clearn any rumors from the get go, despite my lack of wedding ring, I am STILL happily married.  I never got my engagement ring and wedding band saudered together back in the day and I lost it a few years ago at an indoor water park. I do still have the engagement ring which I wear sometimes by itself, but I haven't had the cash flow to replace it yet.

2) A few health Issues: If you see me popping pills, it's for low iron and an ulcer , I swear.
Also, and inhaler is a must for me, especially if I laugh a lot. Annnnd~I depend on nasal spray to let me breathe. Horrible I know.  Addict? Uh, kinda. Ever see this episode of King Of Queens? I love it.
I can totally relate.

3) I have been overly tired like all the time. (Just found out it was because of the low iron thing)
 Naps have been a must. Not only tired, but extremely fatigued.
Using the stairs over the past few months have felt like I did an hour jog. And I am
not exaggerating. My body looks like feels like jello when I walk up the stairs in my house
and I start huffing and puffing, all out of breath. So, uh, don't mind the heavy breaths? I guess?

4) I swore I would lose 10 lbs before Influence. Thanks to NO energy, muscle fatigue...
and an ulcer which requires me to eat every hour (not kidding) to feel better, this has not happened.
Instead I gained 5 lbs. Whatevs.

5) The show Friends. You may hear it pop up in conversation alot.
I watch it nightly. Even when I know every episode by heart, own all seasons, I will
still watch it on tv if its on before anything else. So needless to say, I can find a moment
in every situation that "reminds me of this one Friends episode."
Just Warning You.

6) Despite my expression of my inability to hug in this post: I Thought Thats What Bloggers Did,
that I wrote a few months back, I want you to know...Seriously, I DO hug on occasion of first meeting, saying goodbye and if someone comes to hug me first at any other random time. I just feel awkward initiating most hugs. So, please don't let what I said scare you. wink.

7) And I wonder if maybe because of that post and my sarcasm & sense of humor, I may come across in verbiage as if I'm rough around the edges or dry? Maybe? Kinda? I think I'm just a little awkward?
But here's the real deal.
I'm definitely OVERLY sentimental. 
I cry at EVERYTHING. Just warning you. I will avoid "goodbyes" or "closing statements" if I can, because I promise you, I will cry. You can see what I mean IN THIS POST.

8) Is it just me and my hubby, but whenever we get a break from the kids, all we really
want to do is sleep? We go out, try to figure out what we should do, dinner and a movie perhaps?
Nope, usually its dinner and "lets just go back home and sleep." I hope I don't feel that need
while with new friends, but those kid breaks always put me right in "I just want to sleep" mode.

9) I hope to God we are all wearing name tags with our name and blog/business  posted right on them .Please do not be offended if you approach me knowing who I am and suddenly your name and/or blog gets lost in my mind somewhere. Or if your real life self looks different than your pictures...I need to go through the Influence Meet & Greet posts. (No, I have not done that yet) to get better acquainted with your faces this week, so I don't humiliate myself.

10) Is there a Chick-fil-a near by? Because the closest one to me is 45 minutes.
Just so you know. That's all.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

One Girl, Two Vlogs (Represent/Girl Behind The Blog)

$15 Forever 21 Giftcard & October Ad Space 

I'm a girl who loves to vlog. So a few months ago, when I was approached by Allison from
Sweatpants and High Heels to help her Co-Host a Vlog link up where we give our story 
of how knowing God has changed our lives in under 5 minutes...
As scary as this can be, I was all for it. So those of you here today for
Represent: Take One, welcome to the first vlog in this series...
I am so honored and glad that you have chosen to join us.
Us being Myself, Allison, AND ALSO the lovely Sarah from The Fontenot Four .
And I am so excited to watch your videos throughout the week!

But then I saw that Ashley from 5ohWifey announced her monthly Girl Behind the Blog to go live the same day, with her co-host being one of my favorite bloggers, Erin from Sweetness Itself.
So, how could I miss out on that? It's easy. I couldn't. I never do. So I did two vlogs =)

1) I did the Girl Behind the Vlog video like 12 times and I couldn't NOT cry for 
some reason. Finally I made it through this one with no tears.
2) However, in both videos, I sound weird. I have a lisp. I mean, I really don't,
but something is wrong with my camera, so I sound like I do... Sorry.
3) If you are still looking for tears, you may want to stick around to hear a little more into
my story ON my Represent vlog, because you may or may not see me get all choked up.
4) I never stick to the time limit as much as I try and as much as I edit. Ugh. Sorry.
Just sayin.

If you are here to link up with Represent, grab a button, follow each of the girls Allison and Sarah if you
get a chance, and link yourself up!


Friday, September 14, 2012

I Wish You Knew

a photo i took in door county, wisconsin this summer
I wish you knew that God is so faithful.
I wish you could understand the trouble I have seen,
and how I have come out alive.
I didn't want to come out alive.
I practically begged to die, so I didn't have to do it myself.
But God, he knows me better than I know myself.
I wish you knew that no matter what you go through,
you can have and will have that ever present help,
in your time of need.
What is your need?
Do you need joy
A friend
Healing in your body
Healing in your heart
A relationship to be restored
Because he is here, he is there, right where you are.
But the question is: are you willing to ask?
He said seek and you will find,
knock and the door will be opened,
ask and you will recieve
Don't be too proud
Dont feel like you are too far away
or that you know too little about God
Don't feel like because you have had too many questions,
or you are unsure about who he is,
that he won't hear you.
He will. He does not lie. He does not change.
Lately I have felt lonely. I go through spurts.
Highs and lows.
And i've forgotten to go to my source of friendship,
joy, and peace of mind.
How is it that I think i have it all together
so much so, that i forget to ask for his help?
I wish more of you knew, what I know.
That he loves you. He loves me.
no matter what
no matter who
no matter when.
He has not changed. We may change.
We may goes through ups and downs,
questions and answers,
trials and triumphs.
But He does not change.
I wish you knew that  I love you too.
That I am here for any of you.
If you want a friend, I am here
If you want prayer, please ask me.
If you want to laugh, I try to do that too.
As long as you know, that I am not perfect.
And the joy I experience,
it comes from within.
It comes from the Lord.
I wish you knew.
You can have this joy too.
The lonliness, the sad times, the struggles...
all pale in comparison to when I let him know.
God, I need your help. I am sorry I didn't ask sooner.
I am sorry I tried to take this upon myself,
when you told me to cast my cares on you.
I wish you knew too,
to give it to God,
whatever it is.
He is real. You've wondered. Weren't sure.
But he is.
I am proof his love exists.
His patience & kindness.
His help is here.
I wish you knew.

Have a beautiful weekend, friends.

I linked up with Alissa for Coffee Date on Rags to Stitches
and Casey Leigh for What's On My Heart

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Indian Summer

I didn't grow up on an indian reservation, like my mother did.
Or like many of my cousins and relatives did.
Adapting to the "being native" thing is still new to me.
I grew up attending pow wows here and there, but never participating.
So, this is all recent for me, but it's something special, ya know?
Something I want to instill into my children.
Their heritage and culture.

Can I just say that I am completely obsessed with some of these costumes?
I love mine. It's my first. Hopefully of many more to come.
My AMAZINGLY talented cousin, Lydia made it for me.
Her and my aunt did it all, the beadwork, the ribbons, everything.
In fact, she makes her own. EVERY YEAR!
They are all so extremely beautiful, aren't they?
SO rich in color and tradition and culture...

These pictures are from last week, September 9, 2012.
A local festival called Indian Summer. 
I mentioned in THIS POST that Milwaukee's summers are filled with festivals.
Each one embraces heritage and culture.
Italian, Mexican, Polish, Greek...and so on.
So, this past week, I decided to join in the fun and dance a little for the pow wow.
Really, there were competitions. I have very little clue what I am doing,
but I have fun with my kids dancing the "all nations" dance,
in which they invite anyone out to dance, costume, native or not!
It's a lot of fun!

For more NATIVE HISTORY AND PICS of mine, check out this post HERE!!!

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