Sunday, October 21, 2018

The Weakness In Me

I've learned to be quiet.
I've learned to hide.
I've learned to smile, in spite of...

Yet somehow it hasn't helped me. Not really. It may have temporarily distorted how people perceive me.
But eventually I will be found out. My reputation is on the line.

And even if I'm not exposed, doesn't God already know?

Being a person of faith has at times made me afraid to admit when I'm weak.
Because if I admit it, it must mean I permit it.
If I admit it, it must mean I am not strong in faith.
If I admit it, it must mean that something is wrong with me.
And if I can't be the superhero that everyone needs me to be, then I have nothing to offer.


I fail. I struggle. I flounder.
Yet somehow when you say that, people will still want to believe that your distress just sort of fell in your lap. Because it's easier to be somebody's cheerleader when you believe they were just an innocent bystander unwavering in their faith and obedience when suddenly their life went askew without warning. Bad things happen to good people perhaps?

And even though it's not completely effortless, somehow it does seem easier to tell you that I've wrestled with things like rejection and depression. I've battled feelings of inadequacy as a mother or being a weak link or I'm lazy and unmotivated or sicker than I ought to be most days. Because most everyone can admit those seasons are woven into the tapestry of their life.

But who out there is ready to admit they struggle with the big stuff? I remember sitting in church years ago and we had a guest speaker who was speaking on freedom from the chains that hold us captive. As he was speaking, he said something like "Some people are dealing with a pornography addiction." And this man yells out, "That's me!"
Alcoholism--That's me! Lust--That's me! Gambling addiction--That's me! Drug abuse--That's me! You get the idea. He just kept going. Everyone in the room just sort of looked from side to side wondering what do we do? Do we giggle? Do we shut him up? Do we just side-eye each other and pretend he didn't just go there??! ---But while the situation made it slightly awkward for everyone else in the room, I can't help but think he had the right idea. Gaaahhh!!! Don't throw your stones at me just yet.

Because friends. My imperfections don't just stop at depression and allowing myself to be sicker than I care to admit (although some people can't even admit that). I grapple with the big things too. I'm not unlike you. Those words that make everyone uncomfortable and no one wants to admit. Yes, I've been there.
I mean- I. Have. Been. like...... There.
Is that okay? We still good?

However, in my admitted weakness and despite whatever person is giving me the side-eye, my faith remains unaffected.

Because when did it become taboo to admit we need Jesus in our weakness?
When did it become off limits to confess our shortcomings?
When did we start frowning on people whose struggles were found out, meanwhile we contend with our own?

"Therefore I will most gladly boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may reside in me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Our fake smile. Our hidden struggle. Our zipped lip.
That is not true freedom. Not even for a second.
In fact it's the opposite- with a pretty tight lid to keep you there.
Freedom is not found in a put on, pretense or phony front.

It is found in our willingness to admit we need Jesus.
And in our declaration that He alone is our strength.

Designed with ♥ by Nudge Media Design