Thursday, November 8, 2012

I've Been Quiet

Today I am quiet
I've been quiet, as of late actually.
I know it doesn't look that way,
because I've still been posting things on my blog.
I hide it well, I guess.
But my heart has been quiet.
The few things I've put up,
were written awhile ago, months even,
or just they've been easy go-to type posts
that took little thought or connection.
My heart feels withdrawn.
I'm not entirely sure where I am,
why I am feeling this way.
I've been asking God to search my heart
lately. I mean it.
I love that time alone, just me and Him.
Where my thoughts and his thoughts are exchanged.
I want to make sure every word I speak is to His glory,
not to mine.
There is a realm of glory we receive,
even when we are hoping to direct others to God.
The comments,
remarks like "God is using you."
Of course, I want God to use me. I am His.
But I don't want it to be about my gift or ability to speak into
the lives of people.
I don't want it to be about my story,
and how I relate so well to others.
Because in reality, none of what I can do or say
is possible without Him.
I want people to look straight through me, and see
the love of Jesus.
The personality of Jesus. The mercy of Jesus.
There is such a fine line between God using my story
or my personality because it reaches people
and Me using my story and personality and people crediting me
because what I said had an emotional impact
on their soul, or it made them laugh.
It's a very very fine line.
How do I tell my story, share my thoughts to encourage
without it being about me?
Do I pray each and every time I sit a computer?
Would that make me feel better, in knowing
I gave the Holy Spirit complete control in what comes
from my fingertips as I type?
I just don't know.
All I know is I want it to be about Him.
Next week, I think I have to make a confession to make to you.
I'm pretty sure I will.
A confession about how I let the disapproval of you,
my blog world, shape me for just a day,
into forsaking my loving Jesus.
These are the thoughts that have kept me quiet, silent...
I fear any sort of self glorification will make me 
into someone I do not want to be, nor someone I would
ever respect. I want to remain humble.
I want to remain a meek and lowly heart, 
yet rise up with confidence in who God made me to be,
but again, to be only for His Glory!
Is this confusing anyone else, or just me? Haha
So instead I say little to nothing.
I want to be me, but I want it all to be about Him.
How do I do that?
Has anyone else ever felt this way?


Shannon @Imperfectly Perfect Grace said...

These same thoughts have been inside my heart for a little while now. I want to use the gifts he has given me and I believe in the power of testimony, yet I dont want them to see anything but Gods incredible love through anything i share

TicoTina said...

we must process things similarly. I get quiet, too. it's a good reminder/idea to pray when we sit down to write, thanks!

Michelle said...

I have been working on a paper for my Romans class all day and a big part of it was about how salvation is meant to bring God glory. Sometimes we forget that something as big as our salvation isn't all about what God has done for us, but it is ultimately a means to bring Him glory through us. With that said, if we are doing everything with the desire to glorify Christ, we are fulfilling our responsibility as believers. Not trying to get all preachy because I know you already know this. =) If you want my personal opinion, your blogs never seem self-centered. They are encouraging and I look forward to reading all your funny stories. They brighten my day! Even a blog that might not be specifically about God that day can still be used to bring Him glory. He wants us to encourage and uplift, right?! I'll be praying. =)

Em @ And Nothing Else Matters said...

This is what I do when I am feeling conflicted. I take a step back from blogging, and just live my life with my family and strive to do what really matters. If I feel drawn back to it with passion and purpose I blog again. If not I take longer and if it still feels 'not right' I won't come back at all. I have done this many times and whether it is emails from readers or something else, there has always been a sign to return to blogging.

For what it's worth I love reading your words and about your passion for God, I find you inspiring.

Allison Coomes said...

I've been going through for about 2 months! I think we underestimate the power that God has when we are still...people are always watching and I know when I see someone else who goes in and out of seasons of life with God's grace and humbleness, it's a huge encouragement to me. Thanks for being so honest! I'll be emailing you soon about Represent-)

Alesha said...

I totally understand these thoughts, this confusion. My heart has been there many times, and will probably be there many more times in the future. Thank you for sharing about this honestly. Praising the Lord for your testimony and praying for you.
Alesha <3 said...

I feel that way now! Thanks for sharing:)

Erin said...

I've felt the same way lately.. I love what you shared here,
"I don't want it to be about my gift or ability to speak into
the lives of people.
I don't want it to be about my story,
and how I relate so well to others.
Because in reality, none of what I can do or say
is possible without Him."

So so true and I love your heart!

Nadine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nthecity said...

Aw girl, your thoughts are mine as well. I can't tell you the amount of times I read an encouraging word to me about something I've written and immediately am on the floor sobbing before Jesus desperate for Him to get His glory rightly.
I think maybe we need to trust that He sees our hearts and understands us better than we do.
Love you.

Andiepants said...

Awww sweets, take all the time you need. It's good to take time and reflect on life and God. Above all its what matters most.

Andie's Traveling Pants

ps-you inspire me

Anonymous said...

Feel that way all the time. The quiet is good! How else can you Hear Him speak?

jillian at faith that laughs. said...

I go through seasons were I feel quiet too and sometimes lonely even though I am surrounded by amazing people. Love your heart and your honesty. I see Jesus all over you and your blog. Xoxo

Nicole @ the style hatch said...

Ahh this sounds so much like me. Prior to Influence I felt much like this. I was completely 'blog quiet'. I wasn't sure where it fit in, yet I knew He was encouraging me to do it. I know ministry is different for each of us, sometimes I find me comparing myself, and my ministry of my blog to other bloggers. I have to stopped myself and have a conversation with Him, because it's His blog and I am using it how He wants me to- I hope that makes sense!!
Great post, friend!

The Mommist said...

Glad to know I'm not alone. I have moments like this too. An epiphany of sorts. I think it's great that you make an effort to credit God and allow him to come into your life. Very inspiring post. Keep up the good work!

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