Monday, January 30, 2012

Stuck In A Rut???

This may seem a little long, but bare with me, I have a point =)  At some point in time,  I dont know when it was, I'm thinking in my 30's... I finally learned who I was. Haha, that sounds funny, but I really do think you go through periods in life where you try to please other people, so you never really find out who you are until you are just sorta over all that...and living YOUR life.  you pleased your friends just to fit in, or you tried to please your parents because, well you gotta, you pleased your teachers to get good grades, and as for me, Im a preachers kid, so well I had to sort of be on my best behavior and please those around me, as I suspect a politicians family, or celebrity's family or actually any families might do, if even just to your neighbors....People are just very concerned with what people think in general. 

I went through a great deal of my life, not even realizing I didnt know myself. I didnt know what my personality was, what really interested ME, what dreams I had, what characteristics I had that could benefit others. I just didnt.. I venture to say, many people go through this and dont even realize it until they went through it, discovered who they are and it shocked them, like ...ooooohhhhh, so THIS is me!!! I didnt even know I was looking for myself!! =) 

In the last few years, I discovered to simply be ME. If you dont like it, oh well. If I set my sites on pleasing YOU, and I am unhappy, then it's simply not worth it.  And I dont think that is how God wants us. He created us each so uniquely beautiful and we each DO have a service to others...but that service isnt simply for their approval, it is to help them and bless them. For so long, I avoided confrontation no matter how much something bothered me.  Or I avoided asking questions, no matter how confused I was. Or I avoided my own personality, because somebody might not get it. Thats just so wrong, in so many ways, for so many reasons.

On that same note, with sometimes those dreams or talents being different than those I am so close in contact with, I always felt a little out of place. I dont preach. I dont sing. I dont play an instrument. I'm silly and sarcastic and I make alot of jokes at my own expense or sometimes at those I can get away with  ;-). I cant speak in public, I can barely speak in private. I tried once to minister to a stranger and I was shaking so bad, the person actually looked at me like she was scared of me, because I was a freak or something! I like making videos and taking pictures and editing and graphics, but what do I do with that, half the time it makes people annoyed with me that I dare to make a video starring myself or take a picture or! 
(Side note: One time though, a few years back, MTV actually contacted me about one of my videos, where I was making fun of McDonalds Drive Thru and they wanted me to be a part of some show they did that made fun of Music I guess I was funny?? )
ANNNYYWAYYSSS... PLUS, I am brutally open and blunt about alot, so much so, I probably embarrass people close to me, in fact I know I do! But I cant change who I am based on the approval of others, I can only ask God, "ok God....I need a direction here, I need YOU to use ME how you created ME to be, and I cant fit into anyone else's agenda of who I should be." Speaking for myself, thats just not a fun place to be. In fact, Ive wound up in tears because of it many times..

Two things I want~ 1) I want to please God. 2) I want to be happy in doing so with what he has given ME. I DO see things in myself that God has placed in me, and I love being a wife and a mother, but how on earth am I ever going to go beyond the walls of my own house, or the life that I am accustomed to and pursue those dreams God placed in me when I was a teenager? This is where I have been, living the dream of  "I have a dream that someday..." and just watching my life go by, and never really pursuing it.  Today I woke up and God was speaking to me concerning moving on past my past and moving forward to obtain his prize. And as I meditated on this throughout the day, These thoughts start forming, coming only from the Lord, of course,  and I began to write them down. The funny thing about me, is when something is heavy on mind or I am in deep thought about a topic, I think in "poetry form." Thats one of those weird, most likely God given qualities that I have, that sometimes I'm like "huh? what do I do with that?"  Anyways, God shared with me his warmth, his sweet nature, and his encouragement. I was blessed to tears... and I just wanted to share with you, for all those of you who feel stuck in rut with your day in and day out life, THIS may be for YOU too!

CliCK on my LOVE NOTES page link above to read what God so sweetly whispered to me =) 

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Monday, January 23, 2012

Calm Yo Self Down...

Why is it that those days that are "supposed" to be the most special for us, our children, our family turn out to be the most stressful and exhausting? So much so, that the entire point of having the "event" or "celebration" to begin with is almost negated!  Take Christmas for example. The whole point of Christmas is implementing family values, Christ, love, giving, warmth into our lives and our families, yet most of creation, myself included spend 98% of that time "being busy" with shopping, baking, parties, cooking, cleaning, decorating, wrapping... everything has to be perfect for that 1%-2% of the "holiday season" that is actually spent WITH your family.

Same goes for birthday parties! I have 3 kids. ALL three of their birthdays lie within a month of Christmas, 2 before and 1 after. When you take "the holiday season" into consideration, try throwing in 3 birthday parties AND a wedding anniversary on top of all that!

As I was going about my day, preparing for number party number 3, I found myself doing alot, ALOT of ....hmmmmm... how shall i say this... um gently raising my voice with a stern tone? Ok, Ok, I was yelling! Here is the build up to Leila's Birthday. Weeks spent getting her all excited for her Minnie Mouse Birthday, then the day finally arrives! "It's here Leila!!! GET OFF THAT MINNIE MOUSE TABLECLOTH NOW!!"  Or "DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THOSE BALLOONS, LEILA, OR NO MINNIE MOUSE PARTY FOR YOU!"  "WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA CRY? Ok, guess I will cancel Minnie Mouse." 

Am I totally alone on this or what?  When it comes down to it, we spend more time primping the party than celebrating the Princess of the Day!  We want the day to be so special, yet we forget why! I hate that. I caught myself several times telling myself "Calm Down Julie. If she rips the tablecloth, I dont think the other 3 year olds will notice."

She is so precious and she did have so much fun at her 3rd birthday party and I cannot believe my baby is already three years old, but I so wish I would stop forcing a "special" party on my babies and start enjoying just how precious they are.  Don't get me wrong, she wasnt mad at me, and the Mickey and Minnie Mouses in all shapes and sizes did thrill her beyond belief, but when it comes down to it, what do we cherish most, what will she, a 3 yr old cherish most... and it is that she truly had a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." 

I love my baby with every part of me. She is perfect in every way. Thank you Leila for making Mommy check herself by just being you. Happy Birthday Lallies!

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Monday, January 16, 2012

Royalty presents itself...

The great thing about going sledding with my family is really something i should have known before I went, but refused to think about. As I hoped for a fun family day that you would see on the movies, perhaps in slow motion...or fast motion, with a great soundtrack. Snowballs being thrown, wrestling kids and parents in the snow, laughter and lots of hugs!!  Instead, this is what I learned, Wesley will take down any kid, anytime, anywhere with a battle of  obscenities (child sized) and vulgar language (kids version)! DO NOT, I repeat, do not get in Wesley's way when he wants to go down the hill. Mind you, there are only a couple hundred kids wanting to use the hill, but as Wesley enters, sound the trumpets children, big and small!  Royalty has presented itself! "Move away peasants, the hill has become my own!"

We have taken Wesley sledding ONCE when he was 3 years old so I had no clue what was about to happen...(and the girls have NEVER been sledding at all!) Maybe it was the fact that the evening before he had gone sledding with a friend, so he now considered himself a professional of sorts, but every step back up the hill each time was a conversation of aggravations and irritations of all the people that refused to move out of the way for the King of the Hill! And while on top the hill, the wait was even worse! Wesley carried on about how people were being jerks and not making a path for him to go down.

I don't get why! Out of the hundreds of people that were there, they should have seen him!  There was an obvious glow about his head. Surely they saw the shining,  shimmering crown, not to mention the halo beaming with a heavenly glow.!!! Why on earth, they didn't move out of the way, I will never figure out~ 

As my sweet, kind, loving son who does no wrong waited.  But as I sat and watched him go down, from the top of the hill... I saw it finally happen, all that built up tension has now become a grenade of arm flailing and dangerous words spewed out of the mouth of an 8 year old boy! As if the arm flailing wasn't enough, from where I was standing, I also saw an enormous amount of "SNOW TUBE bouncing" , meaning he was smashing the tube over and over again on the ground in his fury of rage!  As his mother, what can I do from a distance but laugh, but I did feel sorry for the 3 year old that Wesley gave it to! That toddler got a piece of his mind!

ALL in ALL, it was a gloriously snowy fun filled afternoon. I probably should have made Wesley apologize to the small child that he blasted with angry words, but I opted to make fun of Wesley instead. He LOVES that ;-)
That's punishment enough!
(for the record: wesley wasnt actually using vulgar language. haha!) 

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Call me crazy, but...

Well, its official. I no longer have a baby. Leila will be 3 next week! I finally got her off the bottle just like 2 weeks ago,  and this week, Leila got her first haircut. It was long overdue. She is a child prone to vacuuming up spaghetti and juice and yogurt and cereal and whatever....with her hair... it was a stringy moppy mess.

But I am sad. I swear when I mention this ( to my close friends and family, they look at me with fear in their eyes, or a stern glare or a cackle in their throat, because my house is nutty...the kids, obviously outnumber the parents. They are loud, but hilarious. They are sassy, but the sweetest snugglers on the planet. They are so much work, but so much love.  AND I am having a hard time saying "Enough is enough" to additional insanity in the home ;-)

The way I see it, its already pure chaos already. At night time, we play musical beds. One girl crawls in bed with us, Jeff puts her back. The next girl crawls in bed with us, Jeff puts HER back. The son comes in and lays on the sofa in our room and soon afterwards, the first girl comes crawling BACK in our bed for the 2nd time, and the next girl will crawl in.... so NOW there are 4 people in our bed.   Eventually, Jeff will leave the room and sleep on the living room sofa... or I will leave the room drenched in sweat and go to Jada's bed, in which case... one of the girls will inevitably follow me back in there.  There IS NO end to the ups and downs, laughs and screams, back and forths in my home... so why not... one more? right?! 

There, I said it, I miss having a baby! Its noisy anyways, right? MY baby, is getting big way too fast, and while she is STILL and FOREVER my baby (they all are)...i miss the "baby-ness" of having an actual baby!!!  My mom says everytime she sees me, I am worked up or stressed out.. Well, it IS alot of work, having a bunch of kiddos all so close in age, so of course I am stressed out, but seriously, have you seen the facebook status's I write? These kids are a hoot!

What on earth would I have to talk about on facebook if it wasnt for A) the love of God or B) the crazy things my kids say and do =) And also, I probably would have NEVER been able to use the word "hoot."

(for the record, wesley just now walked in the room, started jumping up and down on the sofa and said "Mom, youre the best BEST best mom ever!")~ whats not to love?  Pretty sure this is a NO GO for Jeff... I non-nonchalantly mention babies on occasion, and i get zero reaction out of him. His thought was "in 5 years, when he has no more babies or "little snuggly kids" to cuddle, then I can have another baby...
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? In 5 years, I will be 41 years old.! Oh, man....i AM old!!

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Wednesday, January 4, 2012

That aint pretty

have you ever been caught in that awkward limbo between loving someone so much and not wanting to be mean, but at the same time being realistic and thinking, "ummmm...that aint pretty... "
"cute, maybe. pretty, no."
maybe its your own kid, a niece or nephew, a friends kid...a spouse, sister, whatever.
i actually remember a friend telling me one time "Baby (baby' remains nameless for obvious reasons) is an ugly baby." and they were speaking about their own kid!!!
on that same note, i also know that feeling of not quite finding the right words to say when someone is showing you their brand new pride and joy and all you can say is "awwwww...he/she looks just like great grandpa?" 
(whom ive never seen, but am just assuming)
Did you ever see that Friends episode, where Rachel has her baby and they are in the hospital the same time as Janice? No one really knows what to say to Janice because apparently her baby is scary looking, and when she walks away, Ross says "did you see the kid on that nose?" 
I adore Leila. Jeff teases me and says she is my "favorite" which of course she is not! But she IS my baby so I treat her like she is. I am completely in love with her. But sometimes her pictures frighten me. The above was taken this morning as I was watching a friends kids before school. Naomi was doing a makeover on Leila (and herself)... and quite honestly Leila looked Goth. I dont have a problem with Goth so much, as i have a problem with my 3 year old being Goth.  She looked like a creepy Goth baby, and it frightened me. The picture on the right is a scary cross between the "mask from the Scream Movie and a gothic old lady/baby?"
I have this pic of Leila from California this past fall. Spittin image of Benjamin Button. Cute. Yes. She is trying to be cute and smiley. 
But she looks exactly like Benjamin Button. 
             DO YOU LOVE IT OR WHAT? I have my very own baby Benjamin Button =)

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Monday, January 2, 2012

the road of insanity leads to laughter

a new year. a new me. is that what i said? pssssshhhh...yeah...right!
thanks for that cheeseburger, big ole glass o pepsi & fries mom ;)
no seriously, i WILL do this! 

so here i am... doing this bloggy thing. 
the reason? to write, to scrap, to give. (not scrap as in fight, btw, i meant scrap as in scrapbook).
that would be awesome though, hey? to have a blog simply for scrapping?

people on facebook kept telling me i need to write. a book, a blog, something.
thanks to my crazy outlook on the shameless details of what goes on inside of my house...
and my apparent ability to reach inside people's souls and touch them with a dash of compassion 
from what can only come from God. between the two, here i am, with a more embellished version of my thoughts and my world, than what you may see in my short facebook status's.

i think if i dont look at my life and laugh, i could possibly end up in a nut house. i dont suggest i am any different than any other mom with 3 or more kids, but man alive...these kids say and do the most annoying and hilarious things.
for instance: just two seconds ago, i had to wash poop off my hands. literally. for the 2nd time today. giant puppy poop. its too cold out, so no one seems to want to take the new shepard puppy outside long enough for the dog to poop, so he pees outside...warms up, grabs a cup of cocoa, and poops in the house instead. he has a special spot he likes to poop ~the fireplace. who doesnt?
lucky for me, i have a daughter who fancies the word "poop" (see 'kids say the darndest things" for more on this topic)... and just an hour ago, she called for lukas, then she naturally immediately switched it to "poopless."
i WISH he was poopless.
(did i just inadvertently refer to lukas (aka poopless) as my kid? when i was talking about the crazy things my kids do, and then tell a story about him? oh man, i already AM losing it)

on a side note: i cherish the love of God. and i see truly see people through his eyes. i have been through some hard times lately, so when people do something crazy, outlandish, or hurtful... i look at them and wonder, "what are they going through?" i see every person as made in God's image, so my heart is constantly bursting with fruit flavor...i mean, its bursting with "facebook status's" to encourage people, to love people and make them chuckle to themselves at my expense...because i know i would want the same =)
sometimes i even think in poetry form, weird, i know...
and i have to get it out... but have never really had anywhere to put it.
so, follow me, read me...laugh and be encouraged.
julie marie

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Sunday, January 1, 2012

new year. new me.

will someone please explain to me how its been over a year since i have wanted to lose 10lbs and still cant seem to manage to do it, but when i needed to lose 50-60 lbs post baby, it was gone within 4 months? grrrrrrrrr...
so here i am with 90% of the earths population, declaring on this day, new years day, that i WILL lose 10 lbs! and soon!
(right after i finish off these toppers stix!)
oh how i long to feel cute, in cute clothes, not to mention feel strong and healthy, 
but apparently not enough to actually work out consistently and stop shoving holiday treats into my mouth...
again i say ~grrrrrrrrrrrrr...

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