Sunday, September 2, 2018

Uncomfortable Comfort

Life has changed. Over the past few years, fragments of my life have been uprooted and what has replaced it is hardly recognizable. Not necessarily bad, just different to what I once knew. Locations, people, even day to day routines have all readjusted themselves and I'm still trying to find my place in it all.

I'm a suppressor. I tend to avoid difficult conversation. Although I 'talk' in my online spaces a lot about the things on my heart, my confidence lacks when I feel uncomfortable and confused. I'd rather not talk about something that makes me sort of churn and question everything on the inside. I wouldn't say that I completely sidestep discomfort, but I deal in my own way. Because it is what it is when change happens to you. All you can do is deal. Pray. And move on with your life.

I sort of shift back and forth between this place of  dodging everything I might feel if I think about it too hard, but also just wanting to just get it over with and progress with my life.

In general, I think just dealing with it is better, because once I do, there is no longer this giant elephant looming over that space in my mind. But for a long time, I hide out in my own thoughts playing hide and seek with my emotions. I just don't want to go there...until one day, I do. It's time to rip off the band aid.

And there it is. Change. That awkward revision of our lives.

Although things may appear somewhat distorted, I remain assured that everything will be okay. Because isn't it usually? I mean, yes, it affects us, it attempts to break us for a season if it's a hard thing, but it also makes us stronger. It gives us experience that we would have otherwise not had. This commonly unwelcome metamorphosis has the ability to fill an otherwise dull story with significance. Life goes deeper than just the day to day, 9-5 and repeat. It means more when we feel more. And when we allow ourselves to feel that sort of shock that comes along with change, suddenly we can somehow appreciate it and realize it's only a chapter in our story. An intense one perhaps, yes, but our story continues nevertheless. This time with more determination and heart.

Along with all the big and small changes happening in my world over these past few years, changes within me are happening as well. I've more recently stumbled upon fresh motivation to do more of what I love. 

Because if I don't do that, what am I doing here with my time here on this planet? Why shouldn't we do more than dream? Why shouldn't we make better use of what has been placed deep within us- without feeling guilty? Isn't there a single spot or two in our week where we can celebrate who we truly are, beyond our daily routine?

Change feels ugly much of the time. It makes me nervous and feel sort of cringy. (You can thank my kids for my vocabulary.) But hidden deeper I know peace. I know assurance. I know truth. Even after all the crazy, hard, wonderful and unexpected things that have been thrown at me, I am still standing. And because of that, my trust remains in the Prince of Peace.

So instead of hiding out from the uncomfortable feelings, I will face them. I will allow myself to feel them, but not sulk in them and let them derail everything I know. And I won't be afraid. Rather I will hand them over to God. And I am comforted knowing my heart is not defined by the changes surrounding me, but more so by the changes within me. My life is not less because of change, but rather more because I know more. And I've become skillful in handling new things, hard things, better things with the grace that's been supplied to me. 

And as a result of this, I remain comfortable with being uncomfortable occasionally. For when I am weak, He is strong through me.

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