Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Monday, April 4, 2016

Apology For Being Me

A few days ago I caught myself semi apologetic... for being myself.

I heard myself saying to a friend, "I wish I wasn't like that, but I am. I wish I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. I wish I didn't share stories. I wish that with every post on social media, 75 bazillion words didn't accompany it."  Or something of that nature...
But words. They follow me like that cloud of dirt that follows Pig-Pen around on Charlie Brown. They spill out of me, out of my mouth, off of my fingertips, and they will swim around in my head for days and days if I don't liberate them in some way. It's almost embarrassing. Almost. But not enough to stop me.

I realized that somewhere in between the end of 2015 and now, I've said nothing. Strangely enough. At least not here. 
And I tried to do a little soul searching to find out why the silence. We (writers, bloggers, and the like) go through our "I've been quiet" phase and we usually have a good reason for it. For reasons that usually bury themselves somewhere between moderately intellectual and magnificently heart expanding.

But honestly, sometimes we just aren't feeling it. Sometimes it simply boils down to the truth in what we say, when we say "I have kids. I was tired. I was watching Netflix. (yes 3 months of Netflix)." Sorry, but it's true.

I'm forcing myself, for tonight... to write. Because I love to write. I love to think. I love to process. I love to explain. And I'm sure it's a treat for my husband too. Write something. Anything. I've had an assortment of well meaning, well thought out topics of things to write about these past few months, but you know... Netflix and whatnot.

But let's bounce back to my apology for being me. There has never been a time in my life where I felt more confident in who I am. There has never been a time in my life where I recognized and understood and knew the Greater One on the inside of me, so much so that I've challenged and trusted myself to stand tall and strong because of Him. Each and every time an accusation against me and who I am dares flatter itself in my presence, I am reminded that its' not me, but Christ that lives in me. 
So why am I apologizing? Now I apologize for apologizing. 

Really, I think some days I owe God a great big "I'm sorry" for not trusting Him and His purpose in creating me.
I'm sorry for not realizing you really do want to use me. I'm sorry for thinking that all the quirks and personalities and genius in this world aren't something you can work with. I'm sorry for forgetting that you created this world, you imagined and spoke the 7.77 million animal species and the 298,000 plant species into existence. Why wouldn't you be the one to create a human race with distinctive skin colors and personalities and passions and expertise ? And why wouldn't you want to use each of us for your purpose and your glory, in our own significant and exceptional way?
It's all you, God.

I'm someone that gets a kick out of the vast and colorful array that makes up the human race. I don't mean skin tone. I mean, I unquestionably see God's handiwork in the abnormal, the artistic, the eccentric, the intelligent. We don't serve a robot and he didn't manufacture us to even be comparable to one another, really. We are all convincingly vibrant in our own way. And it all comes directly from our amazing Creator and Heavenly Father.

So, why do we question His design? Or even the purpose of His design. Scripture is clear. He knit each of us together with thought and purpose. We were intended. Why wouldn't He use our sense of humor, our words, our dreams, our quirks, our charisma, our passions for His glory? 
After all, It's not ours. It's His. We are His. 

YOU are nothing to shy away from or be embarrassed about. Your story is not yours. Your story of creation and redemption and everything that comes along with being His prized son or daughter... is for His glory. 

Use what He put inside of you. Be loud with it. Stand tall and be brave. Clutch it to your chest tightly and embrace it even. But don't bury it. Cultivate it and watch God continue to weave His purpose and plans into you and through you. 

There is nothing more rewarding in this life, than really truly knowing that you are His, knowing that He is big inside of YOU and He wants desperately to let Him use all of YOU (yes, you), for all of His glory.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.   My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth...
Psalms 139:13-15

Monday, January 21, 2013

How We Look & How We Judge. When We Feel Insecure.

I think more often than not I need to practice what I preach.
I am really great at writing about something I am currently learning or basically that I
hope to teach myself, knowing that there is truth in there somewhere. Truth that we all need to hear.
So, I then spill all these nagging, self analyzing thoughts onto my blog posts, in which everyone
thinks I am so admirably inspiring and sure, in the past I have had issues, but I now
seemingly have it all together. That's simply not true.

Something I have really struggled in is my self image. And me saying that is scary.
Because I feel like people are glaring at me through their computer screens, or scoffing or rolling their eyes.
This is the exact reason why I struggle with it.
Because people look at all the photoshopped photos and automatically assume I should never say a word about myself. I should never feel inadequate. But it's a fact. We ALL deal with it.
 We all have issues we see in ourselves that we dislike.
As much as I  can preach "how valuable" we all are, it doesn't change the fact
that some days I look at myself in a darkly lit room where every bump or pimple or line or yes, even age spot on my face shows up and I think to myself "Really, if people had any idea what I look like in
this lighting, without photoshop, they would obviously be shocked."
I can hear the astonished whispers, the stares the "Wow, she looks so much different in person than she does on her photos."
No matter what size we are, what shape we are, how we come across looking in our photos...
there is always something that each of us can come up with that we just do not like about ourselves.
It kinda sucks, right?

There have been days where people have actually made me feel bad for being a short, petite girl.
 Sometimes, it seems like people think I don't have the right to have a bad day, because I'm petite.
 Like I don't have the right to work out or to get rid of unwanted weight, because I'm already petite.
I get laughed at. Ridiculed. Rude remarks. Because Lord knows everything in her life must be perfect, and how dare she complain about a chubby day, because, well, she is petite.
I get it. I get that people see other people and think they have it all together...
 at least when we try to measure someone else to our standards, or our own body,
THEY win...someone else always wins...
so they shouldn't complain, right?

Ya know, their legs aren't as fat as ours, They have bigger boobs. They're teeth are whiter.
Their complexion is better. So they win. AND they have NO right to have a bad day.
 It's weird how little compassion we can have as woman if we think another woman looks better than us.  Sometimes being small has me paranoid and insecure and disliked in a whole different way.
Maybe not in the I need to lose 40 lbs way. But I still have my moments.I have those "things" about my appearance that hurt me, the derail me and that keep me feeling inferior.
No, all the photoshopped photos may not reveal insecurities, but why would they?
They are meant to hide those pimples, those wrinkles, those age spots, those rolls...
and all those things I hate.

Have you ever talked or thought about women that you thought looked better than you, for whatever reason? Making assumptions that they probably think they are God's gift to the world, not really knowing how insecure they may be? What issues  may lie beneath the clothing or makeup?
I know I have.
So on top of their insecurity, they also have people talking about them.
Tell me that wouldn't hurt . I often feel sorry for celebrities who get ridiculed for every lb they gain,
every mistake they make, every eyelash out of place. They are people. And just because we think they are perfect by our own standards or we think they are screw ups by our own standards, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to have the whole world talk about you like they know you.

One day on facebook, I complained that ...mentioned that I looked 4 months pregnant in a status.
Granted, I realize I probably didn't look that way to other people, but I was extremely bloated and I know what I normally look and feel like, so if I need to lose a few, I know it, because my pants don't fit. And I am sorry, but it was a passing remark, but not sorry, if it makes somebody angry at me for voicing I'd like to lose weight.
But I'd rather do that than have to go shopping for a whole new wardrobe, and waste money on something that I can easily fix if I put my mind to it. 
 But because in everyone else's eyes,  I'm a pretty small person. So I shouldn't want to be healthy and comfortable on top of it? Apparently I've already had the world handed to me on a silver platter? 
(By the way I am typing this as I am eating  piece of Dora The Explorer birthday cake, while I am
supposed to be on a fruit and veggie fast.)
Anyways, you have no idea how that comment thread blew up that day on facebook. People were spewing out close to hateful words, not just to me, but to anyone who chimed in with me in an understanding fashion.  
I've got news for you. No matter what size  or shape you are, people can make you feel bad about yourself.  For varying reasons.  Maybe not in the same way YOU feel bad about yourself,   
but it still feels terrible nonetheless.
(One of the many reasons I can't stand facebook, but that's another issue which I will get into
on another day perhaps.)

I actually took it upon myself to show people a whole album of photos of the before an afters of many of my (photoshopped) pictures.
 To prove a point that we all have things we dislike about ourselves, so STOP YELLING AT ME!
The arm fat I took out. The tummy rolls. The acne. And I then had someone who I thought was a friend turn it against me behind my back and say "She doesnt even look that great. She even admits to photoshopping herself. I look way better and I don't photoshop anything."
Ouch, that hurt so so bad. You have no idea how the tears rolled that night when I got those forwarded emails from a 3rd party. And people wonder why I am paranoid. 

How is it that I am a petite , fairly small person and still so paranoid and insecure?
How can I  still dislike what I look like most days?  There is a big part of me that believes part of it is because people have laughed at me, teased me, made jokes at my expense those days where I did   feel imcomplete and voiced my insecurities, those days that I was hurting for some reason.
Instead of encouragement, they scoffed. Instead of love, they ridiculed.
And women tend to make those assumptions based on their own insecurities, not realizing that it hurts just as bad to be a small girl and be ridiculed as it does to be any other person and ridiculed...
the fact remains that we all are human and need love and compassion. 
Size or looks makes no difference.

We as women, as humans are always comparing ourselves to someone else. I am currently running 118lbs and am 5'3. . And just like anyone else, I look at a girl who is 5'8 and the exact same weight as me...
And to me they look great. They don't look anorexic or anything. At least I don't think so.
They have long beautiful legs. Compared to my short stumps.
Pretty skin. A flat stomach...big boobs, at least from what I can see....
and I get that brief wave of jealousy. But then I simply admire how well she must take care of herself.
Obviously there are those who would shoot her down rather than admire her.
How dare she look like that? And even more so, how dare she ever feel insecure about anything?

And then I look at my crater face, my saggy tummy skin that actually "sways" in the bathtub
(am I the only mommy with this problem?) pancake boobs after breastfeeding 3 kids...
and I feel like my only vindication is to remain petite. At least I can have that going for me.
Well that, and to airbrush every line, wrinkle and bump on my face. So maybe if you see me in a dark restaraunt I don't look so hot,
but I sure as heck am going to look somewhat decent in my pictures.
Try and make me feel bad about it. Whatevs.
I realize some people in their own way are trying to just say "You look great. I don't see a problem."
Ok, I get that. But then say that. 
 When you are trying to encourage another girl who is feeling insecure say, "You are so pretty, trust me" Or say, "What do you do to look that good? Because you look great."
Don't say "OMG, I am sooo mad at you for saying that. I hate you"  "My girlfriend would be so ticked off  right now." Or "You need to just be satisfied with your size."
Ok, so what if I am satisfied with my size today, and somebody doesn't like me for it,
 but I will never be comfortable with my complexion. And there is absolutely nothing I can ever do about it. The scarring and age spots and texture.
I will never be comfortable with the saggy transformation my body took after having kids.
There will never be a day when I love "tucking in" my extra skin into my jeans.
Seriously. I know there are women out there that feel me. That know. But some have no clue
what it's like just just to have a "pouch" that you can't lose or tone up with crunches, but an actual "pouch" that you only have 2 options for
a) get it cut off surgically b) tuck it in.
And don't give me the whole, "You have beautiful children because of it." Yes, I know.
I still don't like tucking it in. Just sayin. Is that ok? For me to say that on my blog? Or what?
I hate tucking in my skin.

But I also know that their are girls that are like are 10-15 lbs less than me and they hate it. 
That wish they were bigger. That think they have the body of a boy. They wish they had curves.
And another girls natural tendancy is to judge her, assume she has an eating disorder or something.
Meanwhile she is desperately trying to gain weight. And people are talking about her.
Why do we look down on or hurt others because we think they don't have it as bad as us?
So somehow they don't deserve compassion. It's like we judge who is ok to have compassion on,
and who is not ok based on how they compare to our own self image and how they look compared to us? 
 We hate to admit it, but it's true.
My own husband has to TRY to gain weight. He once gained 20lbs, but he had to eat like 6 big meals a day and drink muscle milk on top of it. It's just his issue.
An issue I am sure most of us "WISH" we had...
There is not really a point to this, other than to point out we all have things we need to work on.
One of them, obviously being the way we feel about ourselves. Sure I can sit here and preach value in the eyes of God. How he created us beautiful and a masterpiece  and it's all true.
But there is a time to just say "Hey, we all go through this. This (our issues with our weight, our shape, our appearance...) isn't any less real than the truth of how valuable we actually are. It isn't any less true if you are tiny or obese, if you have grey hair at 20 (like me) or you don't get it until your 60, if you have smooth skin or a rough complexion.  It is something everyone deals with in some way. And quite honestly, it a lot of time LOOKS more real than our actual value, because it's something we SEE in the mirror every day.
It takes faith to believe in our value and worth.

I'm just throwing this all out there, based on how I have felt in the past about myself, how others have made me ashamed for how I felt, for things I have done to make myself feel better, for how guys have made me feel, or girls even..or just on how I have heard others talk about how they look or feel about themselves. We joke about it, but we still feel it. I have a friend who always says "I'm large and in charge." She is laughing and pregnant,
but there are some girls that are not. There are the tiniest girls ever that wish they had curves and legs and a chest. But we may envy because they are tiny.
 The girls you think are beautiful, may see themselves as ugly.
The girls you think that have it all together, may cry every night alone in their bed, hoping that
no one knows the truth.
So no matter who it is, how jealous you may feel, how perfect their lives, their bodies "look"
on their blog, on their pinterest, on their facebook...know that everyone needs that encouragement,
that friendship and that human love we all crave.
Take a minute to tell someone how pretty you think she is today. We all love to hear it.
You know we do.  Do it right now. Stop by a blog you don't get to very often,
and let her know how precious she is...
I'm going to do it right now as well...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

A Simple Moment Creates A Memory You Will Never Forget

Lately I have been thinking a lot about memories.
Some people choose to forget memories.
Maybe because some memories are bad ones.
Or perhaps they make you feel sad. Because you miss that person. 
That time in your life.
Maybe you think that if you look upon your memories of times
in other places or with other people, that it means you 
will lose sight of what you have,
who you are today.
 The past is in the past.
I see my past very differently.
I look at each experience as a part of what has made me 
who I am today.
Every moment, every memory is a piece of me. 
Not just a piece of my history.
But a piece of who I am right now.
And yes, sometimes I miss those days.
A smell, or a song, or my surrounding will turn me 
into a sentimental schmuck
in just a moments time.

Does this mean I am unhappy with my life today?
Have you SEEN my family? How could I be unhappy?
There have been unhappy moments, sad moments, hard moments...
but all in all my life is blessed.
When I seen my kids playing "nicely" together,
or my daughter asking me to tickle her over and over again,
or my hubby holds my hand or snuggles me in the middle of the night...
I am reminded of the good things in life.
But the good things now do not affect my memories from yesterday.
Some days I miss when I was able to buy myself new clothes,
go out to eat any time I wanted...
Life isn't that way for me anymore.
But that is not really what I am talking about.

 During fall, probably every year, I remember this moment.
I remember my sister and I going to a haunted house. 
I was probably about 18-19 years old.
And we were riding in the back of a car with a guy 
that I had a huge crush on from work. 
On the radio was playing "Far Behind" by Candlebox.
I remember hearing the music, feeling the breeze, the laughter, the nervousness.
The opportunity presented itself to hang out with him.
Oh, the excitement.
Music plays a huge part in so many memories...
Does it for you? It's impacting. I mean, life long impacting!
 My senior year of high school, suddenly I had friends of some sort. 
I mean I had a crowd I hung out with .
Listening to Spin Doctors or Digable Planets in the car
of my friend, Laura.
Listening to the Cranberries with my friends, Kelly & Tasha.
Any sort of grunge music, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Pearl Jam...
brings me back to that year. I still cannot let go of the era of music
to this day.
Maybe that is why I love fall so much, 
every happy moment seems to be engulfed 
in crisp cool air and bright colorful leaves.

Or I think back to when I was 16, lying in my driveway, sunbathing...
listening to all my favorite 'christian alternative' music.
I was changing. From being the girl that was handed to me,
to gaining my own sense of style in music and clothing.
I remember my mom driving me from store to store on Milwaukee's east side,
'The bohemian, artsy' side of town, where I searched out long tye-dye skirts
and combat boots (aka: wanna be doc martens) to wear with them.
Why do you think we take photographs?
So that we can remember these junctures.
The funny thing is, the parts of life I actually DO remember 
that made such a detailed impact on me,
those moments, I have very few photographs of.
And the things that I have photographs of, I have very little real soul memory of.
It's not always the Christmas parties
high school formals
 4th of July get togethers
 or weddings
 that I remember
Yet, those are so many of the types of things I have photos of.
It's the simple moments that are carried in my heart 
that are brought to life
with a scent or a season,
and suddenly I will miss that moment of my life. 

That feeling.
That happiness I felt. I want to go back.
I want to take that walk again with that person.
I want to go to the movies with those friends.
I want to feel nervous & excited when I get a note in the hallway.
I want to have that conversation with that person all over again.
Go to that concert again.
I want to read that letter.
I want to sit in my 'fiance's' jeep until 3 am and make out.
I want to go to the hospital, anticipating meeting my first child.
Conceivably, one day I will look back on my life today, 
and wish I could relive having a 3 year old, a 6 year old, and an 8 year old,
watching the girls snuggle with their daddy
still being able to all play together as a family,
listen to my son beg to have a family movie night,
wishing they were here with me.
But for today, I will love them for who they are,
think back about who I was
and let every moment I have lived through, and will live through
~both sad and happy, 
shape me, build me into who I am to be tomorrow.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Wish You Were Here (Friday's Letters)

Dear Vacation: One of your definitions are 'freedom or release from duty, business, or activity.'
Another one states 'a period of suspension from work, usually used for rest, recreation or travel.'
I think that you should have a new definition for people with kids. We will discuss this later.

Dear Door County: You were supposed to be relaxing. A time where I didnt have to think.
You should have prepared more activities for my kids to do so that I didn't have to think about them complaining how we never do anything fun.

Dear Alpine Resort: You provided the perfect atmosphere for relaxation, rest, tanning, walks...
just what I wanted. I failed to remember that I have 3 kids. That simply doesn't happen without
a fight. I mean, a fight every 1-2 hours.

Dear Wesley: My dear sweet son. Oh, how I love you. You are my first born. My only boy. I will never forget how happy I was when you were born. But the screaming and running from bees in front of groups of people all over Door County, Wisconsin is rather humiliating. I'm sure, at the very least, our family is famous now...for having the kid that "screams & runs from bees." Look us up in the Door County directory next time you visit. Thanks. See You Soon.

Dear Leila: My sweet blonde haired, blue eyed doll. Babes, when mommy buys you a blue ice cream cone, it is for your enjoyment. Not to schmere all over the Ice Cream Shop window. I mean, of course, unless that is what you enjoy.

Dear Jada: Why must you terrify your mother and be so independent? I'm not a fan of yelling your name throughout a resort in tears. Please, for the love of your mom, stop wandering off.

Dear Hayride & Bonfire: One marshmallow and a fire the size of my stove top burner does not qualify as a "bonfire." But thanks for getting me all excited.

Dear Mom: Happy Birthday! I'm sorry that one of my daughters pretended to throw up and my other daughter decided to take off her shoes and take a nap on the floor of the fancy restaurant you chose for your birthday dinner. They're YOUR granddaughters. Aren't you proud?

Dear Stars in the Sky: Oh. My. God. Beautiful.

Dear Lake Michigan: Thank you for remaining crystal clear on our vacation. It was a nice change to the mucky, litter and crap filled Lake Michigan we know in Milwaukee.

Dear "Fun Park": I don't think I'd go that far to call it a park... or fun for that matter. How do a go-kart, mini golf and 8-9 video games qualify as a park? Just sayin.
Maybe Mediocre Thing would be better?

Dear Tiny Ice Cubes: I love you. I mean, Apparently I must. Since I kept making Jeff go get me buckets of you from the bar so I could chew on you like I was in labor or something.

Dear Hubs: You're obsession with trying lattes from every coffee shop you can find is a little out of control. We may need to get you some help.

Dear Restaurant Establishment in Fish Creek: Who knew buying a simple "memonay" (lemonade) to appease a cranky 3 year old who "couldn't walk" would lead to crabbypants falling off your high table bench and sprain her wrist and develop a giant egg on her forehead. Sorry about all the ruckus.

Dear Technology: Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you! Car trips are one of those "love filled" moments.

Dear Readers: Again, thanks for your patience with me. I am excited to start blogging regularly. I feel like  I am past that "ugh" moment I was having and am ready to blog my little heart out.
Thanks for showing me the love.

Friday, July 6, 2012

fridays letters: ode to a roach

Dear New Sunglasses: You've made your way into my heart. I think every picture I take of myself
makes that obvious. I don't even want to hear that I don't love you as much as the next pair.
Because I love you more.

Dear Enormous Roach: I'd appreciate it if you'd tell all your buddies that are still alive,
to make their home elsewhere. This place is ours.

Dear Parade Participants: Next year, ya may want to adult size your "candy throwers." My kids came home with approximately enough candy to last them til Halloween thanks to all the KIDS throwing it out!

Dear Non Existent Blue Tongue: I made the assumption that you were blue. Because I was drinking a slushy with Jada and her tongue was blue. I wonder how many people were staring at me when I kept taking pictures of myself with my tongue hanging out. Awkward.

Dear 109 Degrees: It's a good thing I'm not a cusser, cuz #$#%*&^%$*^ beeeeeeep!!!

Dear Scott Walker: I know you have a lot of haters. But when you walked by us during the 4th of July Parade and my daughter fell out of her wagon onto the street, your concern was appreciated.

Dear Caramel Frapp: You're so wrong for me, but you taste so right.

Dear Christina (aka TicoandTina ): Next week we get to meet in real life. Next week will be the time when my hugging theory in THIS blog post is proven out one way or the other. 
Will I or Won't I? To be Determined.

Dear Kids: Daddy and Me are sorry we went through your toys this morning and threw bags and bags of them away. No, wait. No we're not.

Dear Readers: Thank YOU for the awesome, amazing feedback I got from my last post! I was seriously nervous to even post it for some reason. I was AMAZED at how many confessions I got out of you all. You do realize, that was my intent. (wink wink)
I think that was the most comments I ever got on a post. I mean, I know it was.  You guys rock!


Monday, June 18, 2012

To Baby Or Not To Baby (that is the question)...

 Keeping in mind that the above picture pretty much sums up my life:
which I realize is slightly scary looking
Yes, that IS the question today: to baby or not to baby?
The last few months have been transition time for me,
emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I have been far happier than I have been in years (although I still have
those rough days)... My relationship with God has be completely AMAZING...
we are like BFFs fo sho... and this couldn't make me happier.
 I'm like Wesley on a roller coaster, eating cotton candy...with Lucy (that's his little girlfriend). ;)
And to top it all off, I completely have no energy since I quit working out 
and start eating crap.
Haha.... I had you going there, didn't I? With how great I was doing!?
HOWEVER, this brings me to this point of the title of my post!
Man, the baby itch has been scratching me A LOT lately!
And I love the "raised eyebrows" or unsolicited advice of "Just Say No" I get when
I mention it to a family member, or a friend that only has one or two kids.
So when they come over, it must feel to them like my home is a ticking time bomb. 
I don't even know what it's like to have 
ONE well behaved 6 year old, or 8 year old, or 10 year old. 
Never happened to me.
To me, having kids flying over the tops of sofas at full speed, being chased by a dog,
landing upside down, one crying, one laughing one, one singing...
is normal. It's my life. It may completely overwhelm me at times, 
but I swear, it's what I do best.

You know the scripture that says:
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. He shall not be put to shame when
he speaks with the enemies in the gate! (Psalm 127: 4-5)
Well, my quiver is full sista friend...I mean, almost. Some peoples quiver is full with
one, some people two, some people eight... 3 is good for me... or is it 4? ;)
But, I love that it says he shall NOT be put to shame. What is so shameful about having
a house full of children? NOTHING! So stop raising your eyebrows at me =P
(For the record, I hate when people make fun of people who love kids. 
Even if they have 8 or 10 kids...
If God gives them the grace to do it, by all means, go for it!)
 I have a friend or sister come over, alone, or bringing their one child, 
and I sit down to have a good chat,
and I swear to you on my life, I get up about 17 times an hour to fix something, get 
something, do something....My catch phrase is "Hold on a sec."
How on earth I have time to sit down and type on this blog every few days,
I will never figure out. It must be the grace of God. 
But after being pregnant 5 times, 
burying one at midterm , miscarrying the 2nd early on...
having 3 c-sections (one after 36 hours of unsuccessful labor, 2 scheduled), 
4 pregnancies with full blown morning sickness, 
taking progesterone supplements during the 1st trimester with the 3 crazies that are
running around my house screaming "I'm so bored" at this very moment...
just so I could hang on to the their pregnancies,
horrid face, chest & back acne, AND pre-eclampsia with 2 of the kids...
gaining 70 lbs, 65lbs and 57 lbs (but hey, at least the poundage went down with each kid!)
I wouldn't exactly say I am the glowing pregnant woman turned soccer mom.

But I am the mom that cherishes these little lives more than anything on earth.
With their toothless smiles, and loud screechy screams, their tantrums and 
tears over the sight of "blood" which is really just a centimeter sized scratch!
I cherish this noise, the craziness. And I laugh in the face of the raised eyebrows...
Because I lost 2 babies and if I want to have 17 kids, by golly, I will!
(Ok, I actually wouldn't, and can't because of the c-sections.. 
I can really only have 1 more...because of weak muscles, apparently! But c'mon people,
don't look at me like I am octomom when I mention having another baby.
I have 3. Not a football team!
Side note: um, did my rant just make me say by golly?! eeeeesh...
One of my favorite quotes is from Friends, where Phoebe is pregnant and she is so sick 
of being pregnant  and Joey says "But Phoebes, you have that cool 
pregnant lady glow." And she goes, "Ugh, you throw up all morning and you 
will have that glow too!" Ahhh, yes... the miracle of life, my friends.
But when I wake up in the morning (like I did this morning) and I tell my little blonde haired, 
blue eyed native baby "You're gorgeous." She says "No, I'm not."
I say, "Yes, you are." She says "Where?" I point to her eyes, nose and little pink
lips and say "Here, here and here..."
These are the conversations I don't want to lose. These are the conversations
I want to keep having over and over..
Or when (again today) my son tells me with tears in his eyes, 
"Sometimes I cry a  little because Jesus is so nice to us."
NOTHING.. and I mean NOTHING makes me happier!
I never want to lose those moments. I realize I can't keep going...and going...and going...
every time one of my kids grow up a little..
But is it really going be that much harder to have ONE MORE???!
Is it really going to be that much more noise than it already is? 
Or, I ask you, is it going to be THAT much more blessing? 

We took the kids to the park today and Leila (my youngest) is now 3 1/2 and she is
at that age where I don't have to follow her around and watch her non-stop.
Although it's noisy in the house, (and in the car) let's face it, its like a circus everywhere we go
It's really nice not having to worry if she will fall of the slide or something.
Life has been busy, and it's slowing down in one sense (however I realize
every stage of raising children has its challenges)...
So do I really want to start over with the baby stage again?
I do and I dont... I want to relive it all again REALLY BAD, 
but I am enjoying my "freedom."
Haha, it's funny that I say that, because I actually am insanely busy...
but I mean, I am not having to 24/7 monitor what they will pick up and put in their mouth..
~~that type of thing.
I'm 36...the clock is ticking, my friends. If I am going to do this, 
it better happen quick. I'm not doing this past 38.
My life is transitioning. I am moving on from my past. 
Moving on to making use of what God has placed in me, being ME more again...
and I like being ME. 
I love being Mom, Mommy, M.O.M. Madre'... all great names the kids call me, of course, 
but I like being ME too!

This is a situation that only the wisdom of God can help me in. 
You would think Jeff would have a say in this. But he seems content either way.
It's kinda up to me. Not that he minds "practicing", as he calls it.
Typical Man=) But really, it's sort of between Me and God, this decision.
Only God knows me better than I know myself, knows what I desire in life,
where I am emotionally & physically, what I can handle...
I guess, if you come find me in two years, you'll find out the answer to this question.
My random mom musing...for the week!


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