Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Weep // Wonder // Dream

It's March. For the past 13 years now this month has come and gone with a painful memory in my rear view mirror. I can still glance up into it with tears brimming in my eyeballs. I can still blink away those tears pretending that after all this time, they don't still sting just a little bit. Those words. "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat."

I was just a few days short of being 18 weeks pregnant. Just days short of finding out the sex of our baby. My pregnancy was an unexpected surprise. A nauseating, tiresome, but happy surprise nevertheless. I was the only one I knew that was pregnant at that time and I never expected anything would ever go wrong. The thought never even crossed my mind once.

By the following morning, she was in our hands. Not our arms, but our hands. Her tiny 6 inches so fearfully and wonderfully made. Back with Jesus is where she really was. And every year around this time,  I count another year come and gone that our Naomi would have been that much older. A teenager this year.

Five years ago, I saw her. 

All I can really say to describe it is that I had a vision of Jesus carrying me through some of the scariest and heartbreaking moments of my life. I saw Him holding me as I was tossing and turning night after night in tears after losing our first baby. I saw Him hugging me as I sat on my bathroom floor desperately trying to break the chains of depression years later. I saw him protecting me as a child when our family had gotten in a car accident on a snowy wintery day. Then I saw Jesus was walking with me on streets of gold. And she ran up to me. Naomi ran up to me. She looked so much like my 9 year old Jada does now. She had a french braid in her hair...
and that's all I remember. That's all I know about her.

I've lost two more babies since Naomi.
And I have 4 children with me here on earth.
And I am in awe of each of them. The incredible joy I know because of who they are.

So, how are we supposed to feel when we've endured this kind of pain? This pain that no mother ever should have to encounter, yet our lives are still so full of beautiful bits of chaos and good things every single day?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no perfect length of time to mourn. It's not wrong to be miss what would have been even when we have so much to be thankful for now. I don't think there is ever a time to 'just forget and get over it.'
We can move on in joy. We can be abundantly blessed with so many good things from our Heavenly Father. We can be filled with gratitude. And we can still think of our babies. We can still blink away those tears. And it's okay.
And it's okay to let the tears run now and then. (Even after 13 years and 4 living children.)

And somebody has to tell you's really okay for you to long for your arms to be filled.
It's not a betrayal to the babies you have lost.

I used to feel guilty. I used to feel like I wanted a baby so badly. I was obsessed with pregnancy after I lost Naomi. Maybe you know the feeling. I. WAS. OBSESSED. But at the same time, I felt guilty. Like I would be replacing her. So guilty.
No child can ever be replaced. No human love can ever be exchanged for something better. But our hearts can be mended. Our broken spirits can be redeemed. Our joy can be full again.

And yet in those tender alone moments, we weep. We wonder. And it's still okay.

Weep. Wonder. Dream.
But let God heal you.

In just a few weeks, Heaven will be celebrating with our sweet Naomi 13 years back in eternity with Jesus.
Happy Birthday, Naomi.

Love, Mommy

For more posts about miscarriage and loss, click here.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Tears & Mascara

This morning, as I sat in Colectivo Coffee, formerly known as Alterra, I caught myself off guard as tears managed to make their way down my face. Not a lot, but enough to try and hide myself. It's been evident this week that suddenly the very early loss of a pregnancy this summer is hitting me harder now, than it did when it happened I think. I just keep thinking how far along I would have been today. Almost 17 weeks. Almost half way there. The sight of that woman's beautiful and perfectly round belly gave way to this mascara stained napkin right in the middle of Colectivo.
And yet somehow, there's a sense of guilt over feeling sad about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be allowed. I have three crazy adorable children and in the past five years, I've become increasingly aware of the struggles other people go through to have children, if they ever even get that chance. And somehow I feel like in comparison, my heartache shouldn't matter.
I should be thankful. Yet, I know I am beyond thankful.
I can't say my tears today were the same as my months of tears when I lost Naomi at eighteen weeks. My very first pregnancy I was naive at best. I remember hearing myself say after months of morning sickness and vomiting "I don't want to be pregnant anymore." Of course I didn't really mean it. I just wanted to feel good. But those words still haunt me at times. And some days I still have to fight the need to blame myself, because suddenly weeks later, I wasn't.  To wake up each day for four and a half months,  pregnant, and then suddenly know it's over, is beyond devastating. And then to lose another baby just months later, it scared me. I wondered if this was my fate.
Perhaps you know. Perhaps you remember similar feelings. Perhaps my pain seems mediocre in comparison to what you have been through.
Obviously, my situation turned around. My faith in God's promises grew. I knew that he commanded us to be fruitful and multiply.  I knew that children were supposed to be a blessing.  I knew that He had given barren women in the Bible the desire of their heart. 
And I knew He is no respecter of people.  So I let myself heal. Then I let myself believe again.  And now I have three goofy, wonderful, completely different children, which three incredibly unique personalities.

So, why did I feel like I had any right to feel sorry for myself? To feel just a little bit sad this morning? To mourn the loss of what could have been?  It is ok for me to cry about this after I have three, when so many others struggle to have one? I battle this.
But in the end, I know that every person has their own set of struggles. What hits one hard, may depend on the season of life they are in at that time. Or it may depend on what they have been through already.  To judge others pain isn't fair, so to judge my own shouldn't be either, I suppose.. It is what it is. I'm not overwhelmed in emotion. I simply had a moment.
Just a moment where I missed what should have been.
And I'm always thankful for what I have and where God is bringing our family to next...

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Losing My Cool On The First Day Of School

Somebody should have warned me how hard this be. I love my kids so much. But I am one of those
parents that looks forward to school starting again. Just a little bit of breathing time. This is the beginning of a new era for me. This is the first time in 10 years that I am a stay at home mom with no kids at home...
well for four hours, three mornings a week anyways.  I mean, I work at home sort of, but for these three days, just a few hours a day, I will be on my own schedule. The thought of this excited me.
Until I dropped Leila off for school this morning. She flipped out, clung to my leg. I had to walk away with her screaming, hanging onto me, while the teacher pried her baby fingers one by one from my legs. It was the worst thing ever. I stood in the hallway and listened to her scream for about ten minutes and then I heard her cry,
 "Can I have mommy now?" My heart....
Another mom came up to me and told me she went through the same thing yesterday and said "It will be ok"
and I just lost it right there in the school, with random friendly strangers hugging me.
I need her to be used to time away from me before school starts full time next year. I knew this was how she would be, so this is my exact reasoning for getting her used to preschool. But it's so hard.
Nevertheless, its a nice change, sitting here. I have a work load of stuff to do for my church, web banners and facebook banners and flyers and advertisement, etc... but for now I am just sitting.

Jada is way too easy. I mean what can I say. She cried a little bit last night. She asked me if she could be homeschooled. She asked me why God didn't just make us automatically smart. But that was the extent of her fussing about school. She went to school happy and quiet, smiled and waved as I left her classroom.
This is my Jada. So laid back. Everything is so chill for her. Either that, or it's a joke. Everything.

What now? 
To be honest, we want another baby. You would think I would be happy having all my kids at school, being a "work at home" mom...and finally getting a break. Sure, I enjoy the "break" but I don't think I am done. I am hoping by next year I will not be sitting here alone, but with a little newborn. I am praying for this. We have been "trying" for five months and I had an early miscarriage over the summer.  I didn't tell many people because I barely found out and within days it was over.
I know this isn't the longest time anyone has tried for a baby. Trust me, I understand the hardships people go through. But I'm creeping up on 38, and I just don't want this to be it for me.

My heart is aching one more little person around here.
And I am holding to God's promises...

Saturday, March 30, 2013

If You've Ever Lost a Baby...

Today it is the 11 year anniversary of the day we found out our baby girl, Naomi went to be with Jesus.  I was 18 weeks pregnant and got to hold her tiny body and see her tiny fingers and toes, ears and nose. Eleven years and 3 kids later,  it still brings me to tears when I think about the devastation we felt. And my heart goes out to any person who has every  lost a baby at any stage during or after pregnancy. It's  never easy and no one can really understand, even if they've been through it.   I wrote a little more about it last year HERE if you want to  read it...  I wrote this for Jeff on Fathers Day that year and wanted to share today...
Maybe you can relate...

Still Daddy's Little Girl 

A single tear streamed down your cheek
on that very happy day
the day Mommy told you the exciting news
that I was on the way

I couldn't wait to meet you
for a big kiss and maybe a twirl
Because I know that I could be rest assured
that I'd be Daddy's little girl

Remember on the special day
when you heard my heart beating so strong?
What you didn't know, Daddy, it was beating for you
The time we'd meet it wouldn't be long

I may have been so tiny
but Mommy, she felt my touch
I wanted you both to know
that I loved you so very much

Then one day I woke up
to only see colors so bright
Would it, would this be the day?
Would my daddy be holding me tonight?

Then came sweet Jesus, he picked me up
and cradled me in His arms
He told me that in this place called Heaven
to me would come no harm

He told me that it might be a little while
til my Daddy could give me a kiss
But on that wonderful day
I would live in eternal bliss

Daddy, I know you were sad
it felt like the end of the world
But, please Daddy, always remember
I'm still Daddy's little girl

I want you to know that I have your eyes
and Mommy's long dark brown hair
Mommy, she says you have a silly smile
But on my lips your same smile is always there

Daddy, you may never see my first step
or catch me when I fall
You may never take me to my first day of school
or my graduation at all

You may never walk me down the aisle
on my beautiful wedding day
or be there for me to hug
when I learn my own baby is on the way

Daddy, I don't know why we've been parted
But I love you so very much
I wish we could be together for just a moment
so my soft baby skin you could touch

But Daddy, I still have a big hug for you
I'm sending it down your way
Because I'll always be Daddy's little girl
So Daddy, Happy Father's Day...

Written for my husband on Fathers Day, 2002
I love you with all of my heart...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

10 years ago: Life After Loss

I have been trying to figure out what to say today, actually as I am typing this I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this. It was 10 years ago today that I gave birth to my first baby girl. I say gave birth hesitantly due to the fact that I was mid term (about 4  1/2 months) pregnant with her and of course she was still born.  In other words, I miscarried. I have a hard time really explaining what I went through, because I feel in no way can I compare it to a full term still birth, nor was it anything at all like a "typical" miscarriage, which I also had experienced a few months AFTER this first loss.
It has been, wow, 10 years since I have written anything about this experience and I don't like to stand still in that devastating season of my life, yet I never want to forget, because I want to be able to relate to other women, couples that are going through this every single day. The loss of a baby at any stage can be devastating...and still 10 years later I get choked up and teary eyed when that memory draws me back,  
yet God has brought me so far since then.
There are no words comparable to "I am sorry. I can't find a heartbeat"- 
then to be rushed over to ultrasound and to see your sweet little baby with zero life in her precious little body. I remember looking over at Jeff while I was laying there, with tears streaming down his face, and hearing him call his mom in the car afterwards, choking the words out, "the baby died." I remember sitting at my moms house with my parents and Jeff's parents afterwards, watching my sister walk in the door and telling her, "the baby died" then hearing her race to the bedroom sobbing just as hard as I had been earlier.
Later that day, I was to be induced, so we just waited around all day, waiting for the dreadful moment when I would "give birth" to our precious first born. When she finally was born, I looked at her, not knowing for sure "at that stage" if she was a girl, but was pretty sure...
the nurse rushed in and confirmed, yes in fact, she was a girl. We gave her the name we had originally planned on which was Naomi Renee. She was so tiny, just under 6 inches. But she had such precious little fingers and toes, nose, eyes, ears, mouth... we were even able to take home tiny little feet and hand prints. And I am thankful I was even able to hold her...
A few days later, we had a burial service for just us and a few close family and friends.
But, I kept in mind, that I would see her one day again. For to be absent from the body, meant she was present with the Lord.

The months following were heartbreaking months of questions as to why this happened, blaming myself, waking up in the middle of the night in tears, sleeplessness, obsessing over getting pregnant again, and studying relentlessly all the causes of pregnancy loss. It was draining. When I finally did get pregnant, I was terrified. I knew everything "in the book" that could go wrong, so I was just waiting for it to happen to me, again. 
The problem was, when Naomi died, they never found a reason. It just happened.
The next 9 weeks of my 2nd pregnancy were filled with pure fear and terror, and when I lost the 2nd pregnancy, I almost felt a sense of relief that I got that over with. It's weird, I know...but I felt like NOW I can really focus on believing that God's promises are true.. 
and I did.
 I set my heart on studying what God had to say about children, families and how children were intended to be a blessing to us, not a curse.  
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infertility is definitely a curse. 
It can break us. I don't care what the doctors call it, what anyone calls it... It is heart wrenching.
 All our hopes and dreams are wrapped up in that precious little life and when it suddenly ends unexpectedly, it shatters us.
(for the record, I HATED when I lost my 2nd baby, and the ER nurse called it "products of conception"-give me a break, that was my baby.)
It took everything in me to take my stand in faith, that God would not fail me. 
And that children truly were 
"...a heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward-Psalms 127:3."  He was no respecter of persons... I kept believing this as I watched every friend and family member I knew get pregnant...and they would come to me, scared to tell me "I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant."All I could say was "Don't be sorry. I'm happy for you."
I know that feeling of noticing every single pregnant woman and baby and wondering why am I not pregnant yet??  But I also was (and still AM) very confident in the God I serve. I may question things, but I never question him... and I most definitely NEVER ever blame him.
To make a long long story short (haha I know it doesnt look that way...), but you can see by my pictures, I am here now 10 years later with my life full of children laughing, screaming, crying, fighting, loving, and snuggling. 
These 3 kids are my life. 
So many times, I get SOOOO stressed out, I can feel like I am going crazy (as any mom of 3 does), but I stop myself and remember what I went through to get to this point..and I become so thankful.. (that right now at this very moment as I type this I hear my 6 year old daughter is yelling "momma! momma! momma! momma!" over and over right in my ear, while my son is mocking her and laughing at her...
the tension is building!!! I better hurry,
 she just asked me "why don't you care about me, momma? you dont love me?"  (-because I am not paying attention.)
...such manipulation, she must know what I am writing about..haha

I will never ever forget Naomi Renee, AND our precious little baby #2 (who I have left for Jesus to name for me)... I always will visit the place where we buried her, but I will definitely remember how faithful God is and where he has brought me. 
How could I forget? These kids WILL NOT let me... 

Here is a family picture from Fall of  2009. With all these kids, I simply didn't have time to take a new one ;-)...not that I didnt try...
 Christmas of 2010

Thats the best I can do for now... time for a new family pic =)

Naomi's Song
( my brother was 16 years old when this happened. He wrote and recorded this song for me. I still cry when I listen to this.)
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