Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Friday, February 7, 2014

Why My Heart Breaks For Hollywood

Sunday afternoon, the news broke me.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman died with a needle in his arm.

His interesting roles captivated many. So many in fact that I saw people in a simple state of shock that we had lost a true talent as I watched my facebook throughout the day. I can't say that I have a vast knowledge of all his roles, but the simple fact that I've seen many movies with him in it broke me just a little inside, once again, as another of our beloved celebrities lose their life.

Each and every time we lose a celebrity, I see people complain about the 'shock' that rings through the nation about one man or woman dying by their own actions many times, when people are dying every day by the thousands all around us. Yet, there is something inside of me that begs to plea difference. These people are just as stuck and lost as the rest of the hopeless. They are just doing it with more money.

My heart breaks for Hollywood. It really does. They have all the money and access to all the doctors and prescriptions and addictions they want. I can't ever bring myself to judge them for it. Addiction is a state of hopelessness. Fame is a state of hopelessness. And I don't envy any celebrity for what they have or endure by any means.

I totally get that we need to protect our families and ourselves from pouring garbage into our souls, so we make ourselves aware of what is going on with people to some degree so whatever infiltrates them doesn't get to us. I was blissfully unaware of this until last summer when my 7 year old daughter started singing "I want to see your peacock, cock, cock, cock" from backseat of our car on vacation. I quickly scrambled to update myself on finding pop music with more uplifting lyrics for my kids to listen to.
But the fact that Katy Perry (Katy Hudson) did some sort of witchcraft type performance at the Grammy's or that Justin Beiber just got arrested, when both were raised in Christian homes, does not shock me. It doesn't give me reason to blast them, to hate them, or to even shake my head.... with a tsk tsk tsk, they should know better.

It does give me reason, to cry, just a little for them.

Truth be told. I was one of the few people that owned a "Katy Hudson" cd in the early 2000's before anyone else even knew who she was.
And I can't help that think that no one going into 'stardom' has a great aspiration of becoming a drug addict, or getting caught with a hooker, or getting arrested, or losing their faith as they make their journey from being a 'no-one' to all their dreams coming true.

Suddenly, the talent that they have is noticed, and they have the promise of wealth. And which one of us can say that people noticing our talent would not feel promising...or finally being able to not have to live paycheck to paycheck doesn't sound like the perfect life?

Those of us who have families & spouses and different aspirations now that we are older and wiser, perhaps feel that we would know enough not to get sucked in to the fame game. But if we were 15, 16, 19, 20 years old, with nothing holding us back and the promise of everything we dreamed of was knocking at our doorstep, do we really think we would not jump at what seems to be "opportunity?"

This is why my heart breaks for Hollywood, Nashville, New York...whichever city represents whichever celebrity, because most of them have great aspirations to fill and instead wound up empty, sad, miserable, alone, addicted.. They have all the famous people around them, all the onlookers that admire or even idolize them and yet no one sees them for who they are, people hopeless, not just looking for another fix, but looking for peace of mind. Looking to find a way to numb the world they live in....
and I can't shake my head at them. None of us can cast a stone. And most of us have not been in their shoes. Most of us had not had the promise of everything we thought we wanted at the age of fifteen...but this somehow makes us lucky, doesn't it?

Because we find out much easier, much quicker that life can be fulfilled in the simple way it is, with our families and with our faith in God. We realize we can still be happy with making just a few thousand a month.
Before most celebrities are even adults or have experienced a great deal of 'normal' adult life like the rest of us do, they are in a world filled with wealth and drugs and women. What does it profit a man, if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? They lose themselves and they lose hope. And to them, THAT is normal life.
We are truly blessed.

None of us are exempt from temptation to hide, even in our own small paycheck to paycheck world. People we know, maybe even ourselves have given over to a fix of some kind, just to numb the pain. Imagine just for a moment the humiliation and demands of the whole world watching you and you slip in and out of marriages, rehabs, bad movies to good movies, criticism, bad photos, articles, lies....
and you have access and  have a way to hide. You have your guard up. You can act a little crazy and get the world to notice you, talk about how you need psychiatric help. Or you can smile for the camera, wow the world with your talent, and go to your room and stick a needle in your arm. Whichever it is, the temptation to hide behind something is great to us all, because we all are human.

The truth is, we shake our heads at a celebrity or even someone we know personally when they abuse their character or reputation, their bodies, their identity over and over again. We get tired or fed up with them not just changing, giving into temptation or addiction. And we give up on them. We talk about them. We get angry at them. We miss them. But do we pray? What would have happened if we prayed before we lost them? Do we ever empathize rather than shake our heads at them? No, this is not what they 'asked' for or what they dreamed of becoming...

On Sunday, I couldn't bring myself to say RIP Phillip Seymour Hoffman, like so many others do. For all I know, he isn't resting in peace, as comforting as it sounds to all of us. I simply don't know. That is between him and God. But what I did do was pray for his family, and the people that his life and death affected. That somehow, God could take this great tragedy in their lives and reach in their hearts so they would look up, to Him for rest.

And I let myself ponder that brokeness for Hollywood just a little and challenged myself to pray for people I love watching on the big screen. Pray for the voices & talent who grace our radio speakers. Pray for those who shock the world with their seemingly misbehavior.
Because something is lacking. It's not just brain cells...or that they are not a few bricks short of a house. We want to make jokes or look down on them or talk about how selfish they are.
But loneliness and feeling lost and hopeless is no more of joke for someone with money than someone with out.
They may just be a few prayers short of Jesus.

Instead of just admiring someone's talent, let's pray. And instead scoffing at someone's downfalls or lack of talent, let's pray...If you don't pray for them, do you ever wonder who will?

Matthew 19:24
Mark 8:36

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

One Girl, Two Vlogs (Represent/Girl Behind The Blog)

$15 Forever 21 Giftcard & October Ad Space 

I'm a girl who loves to vlog. So a few months ago, when I was approached by Allison from
Sweatpants and High Heels to help her Co-Host a Vlog link up where we give our story 
of how knowing God has changed our lives in under 5 minutes...
As scary as this can be, I was all for it. So those of you here today for
Represent: Take One, welcome to the first vlog in this series...
I am so honored and glad that you have chosen to join us.
Us being Myself, Allison, AND ALSO the lovely Sarah from The Fontenot Four .
And I am so excited to watch your videos throughout the week!

But then I saw that Ashley from 5ohWifey announced her monthly Girl Behind the Blog to go live the same day, with her co-host being one of my favorite bloggers, Erin from Sweetness Itself.
So, how could I miss out on that? It's easy. I couldn't. I never do. So I did two vlogs =)

1) I did the Girl Behind the Vlog video like 12 times and I couldn't NOT cry for 
some reason. Finally I made it through this one with no tears.
2) However, in both videos, I sound weird. I have a lisp. I mean, I really don't,
but something is wrong with my camera, so I sound like I do... Sorry.
3) If you are still looking for tears, you may want to stick around to hear a little more into
my story ON my Represent vlog, because you may or may not see me get all choked up.
4) I never stick to the time limit as much as I try and as much as I edit. Ugh. Sorry.
Just sayin.

If you are here to link up with Represent, grab a button, follow each of the girls Allison and Sarah if you
get a chance, and link yourself up!


Friday, July 20, 2012

Brand New Dress

Weary these walls, so far tattered and torn
Glimpsing through the salt water seas
Eyes desperate with gasping and pleas
Breaking silence of her soul left forlorn
Wincing the burn; left the tear stained disguise
Masterfully creates that what you see
Never should know what is deemed so lonely
High the tide it rolls in; waves, they would rise
Taken upon ones self, a guilty brow
Drowns, pursuit a gesture; cries SOS
Master, commander grasps her hand to hold
Wrapped arms, shelter found; comfort and rest
Glanced she back, but only a moment left
Memory lost, wearing a brand new dress

-Julie Marie

Debating on whether or not to explain this. To me, poetry, basic Dr Suess rhymes aside
are interesting to try and figure out. And to be honest, for the life of me
I simply can't do it most of the time.
I thrive on having a decent amount of art and creativity in my blood.
But I don't claim to be the most cultured person in the world,
yet I love to write. So, I try things. New things, like this. A Sonnet..
And for the most part, no one sees any of it.
But I do it, to see if it works for me. 
I loved writing it, and it sure as heck made sense to me.
Haha. Don't know if it will to anyone else though.
If you have a guess, let me know...I'm curious.
I honestly just want to know if I stand a chance at diversity in writing =)

Friday, April 20, 2012

Being A Preachers Kid

 For those of you who dont know me personally, or haven't read this at some other point,
I am a PK. And I gather that if you didn't already know what a PK is, you do now, 
because of the title of this post.
being a PK has no guarantees, 
other than these 2 things
#1) As I was growing up, I went to church every time the doors were open,
whether I liked it or not.
#2) I constantly felt as though I was being watched.

And while I maintained MY behavior quite well, I'd say,
compared to what road I could have taken, I always did it for the sake or someone or something else, ~~in particular to save face for my parents...the pastors.
Now that I am older, I look back and am thankful for the qualities and
behaviors and beliefs instilled in me.
And as all parents do, we remember when we were young, and we think, "ok,now I get why my parents did that.." or "yep, never going to do that with my kids..."
But really, as far as PK's go,
I think we (preachers kids) have a generalized reputation for
rebelling against our strict upbringing...
doing our own thang..
because nobody is going to tell us what to do...
or who to be, right?
Wrong, Not Me. I was a sweet angel. Still Am... Haha
But in all seriousness, I was never that rebellious PK.

However, my disadvantages lie in the fact that I took for granted so much.
I took for granted being raised in such a loving family.
I took for granted "knowing" God, without ever really knowing him.
I believe I loved God as far as I could understand.
I knew all the right songs.
I am a c. I am a c-h. I am a c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n...
or The B-I-B-L-E, yes thats the book for me...
and don't forget
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine,
(hide it under a bushel, NO, I'm gonna let it shine)
What's a bushel? And why would I hide the Light of Jesus under it?

It wasn't until I grew up and had MY life and MY family and struggles of MY own...
that I really solidified MY faith in MY GOD.
I have had financial struggles, health struggles...
spiritual struggles..
 but my upbringing had taught me so much about faith, 
and taking God's promises at his word about such topics..
It seemed easy for me, when Jeff and I had financial difficulty..
or when I was dealing with horrid eczema for months on end,
 covering almost my entire body
to take all those scriptures on health, and prosperity and God's goodness towards us...
and apply them to that situation.
As big as the battle seemed at the time, I maintained my faith in MY GOD.

Many of you have read or heard me talk about my battle with depression
in the recent years.
I have to say, emotional and mental instability, 
by far outweighs any physical or financial battle I have had.
When there is NO peace of mind, it is nearly impossible to function properly.
The constant cloud, (even when you are laughing and smiling) is hanging over (and very close to) your head. And while I have come far...and a great deal OUT of this state of mind,
unfortunately it has become very very easy for me to slip back into it.
I hate it. I really do, 
because I never used to be this girl who could get so overwhelmingly sad or anxious.
I was always little miss happy girl.
Now, JOY is a constant pursuit of mine. I pursue joy, peace, & contentment...
when before I pursued things...a husband, a family, health, finances.
Joy and Peace is all I really want
(while maintaining those other things).
(i want a perma-grin, and not because of some happy pills)
I was crying to Jeff last week, telling him " I feel like this feeling will never go away."
 I have moments where I am glorifying the name of God,
because I can see victory~
(a light at the end of that tormenting dark tunnel)
when at one point, I saw none, and simply wanted to escape this life.
Yet, in between those victorious moments,
one thing may happen that hurts me, upsets me, or offends me...
and I suddenly feel like giving up on life again.
It sounds silly, but maybe if you've dealt with depression, 
you know what I am talking about??
It's a weird cycle and it's easy to NOT really get what I mean,
 if you haven't been there.

Anyways, it wasn't until I start making my way out of this horrid battle,
that I realized how badly I need God.
This God that I took for granted, as I grew up in a preachers home...
now was my ONLY hope.
In my desperation of trying different things to find tranquility,
I FINALLY have come to realize I need to go back to my original source of love,
because He was my ONLY real hope.
No doctor, no medication, no self help strategy can help me the way HIS presence can.
I am not saying those things don't work, because they do help many many people maintain some stability when their mind is complete chaos.

But I was raised to know a peace like know other,
I just never realized how badly I needed that until recently.
I've never really been one to sit down with my Bible for hours on end and study.
Generally when God speaks to me,
He will drop one thought, one scripture in my heart sometime during the day...
and I will meditate (think) on that for days,
then usually I will write about it in some form or another.
This morning I was reading Jeremiah 29.
Yes, the famous scripture is 29:11-For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end.
But that is not what caught my attention.
It was the verses before that where he was speaking to those who were held captive,
and he was telling them after soooo long of being held captive,
he was going to cause Good towards them.
Wow, that spoke to me like nothing else.
After crying to Jeff about "how long will I feel this way?" Basically feeling captive to my own emotions and thoughts, wishing I could escape, it was as God was telling me, 
after being captive, he was going to bring me good.

This is what I mean.
One simple passage, or thought, can set the mood for your day, your week and your life.
It was after I read that, that the story of Mary and Martha popped in my head.
When Mary was sitting at the feet of Jesus, and Martha was so busy...
and Jesus told her "Martha, Martha you are troubled about many things...
but one thing is needful (Luke 10:41).
We often used that scripture in light of the busyness of our lives, to calm ourselves down
and take time for our creator...
BUT our minds can be busy too.
And in the midst of chaos and confusion and pain in our mind and heart,
Jesus tells us, ONE thing is needful. sit at his feet. find peace in his embrace. rest is his arms.
and find STRENGTH in his joy.

As hard as life has been for me personally the past few years,
there is a part of me that is thankful that I had some experiences...
because I know MORE NOW than I ever have about who I am.
what I need. and who I can rely on.

All those years being a PK, 
and it wasn't until now, that I am solely dependent on God...
some days just to wake up and take care of these kids, BECAUSE I HAVE TO...
but more often than not, it's because I want to touch lives.
I want to love people. I want to change the world around me...
with HIS love.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Addiction, Android & Instagram....

an Instagram photo of my living room wall, because...I can

Ok, I am going to do this, and I am going to do this quick
there is NO rhyme or reason to this blog post...
Apparently I have been in no mood to write...
so there is no big announcement to what i am going to blog about
since I dont even know.
I am writing a month of randomness..
the last few weeks I have been dealing with an ulcer.
i had to go off medication for it, so they could test for some bacteria called h. pylori.
i was in tremendous pain, despite the bottle of vicodin and percocet I had consumed.
the test is now done, the paid meds are gone, i am back on my "regular" old boring 
ulcer medication,
and I'm not gonna lie, I'm missing the narcotics.
I can definitely see how people get addicted, and I dont judge them at all.
I feel like my legs are going to fly off if I dont keep moving them,
a horrible case of  RLS which I used to get when I was pregnant..
I've been crying, irritable, anxious, depressed, jittery...
I could NOT figure out what my deal was...
Then I realized, after only 3 weeks of taking that garbage every 4-6 hours..
I had NOW not taken anything for over 24 hours..
and my body and mind were freaking out on me..
It's horrible. I dont wish that on anyone.
See, I told you this was random..
But at least now I am not doubling over in pain several times a day.
Thankful for that! Since I am back to my regular schedule...

On another note, I was finally introduced to the smart phone about a month ago.
Aside from MY inability to text and type on it, I love it.
Who needs to text and type when you have Draw Something and
Words With Friends to keep you entertained, anyways???
And who needs to be able to log into Facebook 32 times a day...
I gotta say, messing with "APPS" is quite an issue with in itself..
I remember the good old days of searching for Facebook on my phone,
logging in every time,
and waiting for it to load before I could check Facebook.
OR better yet, having to WAIT until I got home to log into MYSPACE on an actual PC!
Now, no such thing...
As long as my APP is working properly and NOT logging me out after 2 seconds,
I'm all good. Right? Wrong...
My app spent several days frustrating me as It was NOT letting me log into my Facebook,
it was then that I realized not only are narcotics addicting,
but checking Facebook was an addiction within itself!
I gotta say, I realized that LONG ago (if I am honest with myself)...

Anyways, smartphone, apps, blah blah blah..
so android apparently just got Instagram, which is my new addiction..
I hear the iphone people are not happy about this..
I also hear that people are not happy that Facebook and Instagram are merging..
Probably the iphone people, since they have had Instagram longer.
well, let me ask you, have any of you had "THIS" happen to you???
check this out below... 
CRAZY!! I tell you! Crazy!

here is a picture i took of my husbands butt on instagram, making some joke about "things to think about before becoming a dad"...because the sippy cup was in his pocket at a coffee shop.
Ok, so I loaded the above pic on my twitter or facebook or something, and apparently I "liked" the picture, but when I was looking at my profile from my phone, it said I "liked" photo...
I was thinking, whats "photo?" 
Because it didnt actually show a pic of said "photo."
So I clicked on it, and this is what I see...

My Instagram photo of Jeff's butt had its own profile page on Facebook!!!
What the????!!
How weird is that? Apparently his butt photo joined Facebook
on Tuesday Night at 6:51pm...
Please, Facebook and Instagram, work out your kinks before merging, because I don't need all my photos creating their own Facebook profile pages...
the 4 FACEBOOK accounts I run are more than enough for me to deal with.

on that note: here are a few more pics from my new obsession.

my friend, Sue's 30th birthday party. you are welcome for letting you see UP my nose

the kids, opening their easter gifts

need i say more? or anything?

alterra, milwaukee based coffee shop that my hubby is "addicted" to

easter sunday at our church, people responding to the altar call.

jada at a birthday party with one of her bffs, eric

my goodness, they are cute.
Side Note: I dont have a link up for my Instagram yet, but to follow me I am "funnythingblog"
Or let me know if you want to challenge me in Words With Friends or Draw Something!
I will let you know my name...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

10 years ago: Life After Loss

I have been trying to figure out what to say today, actually as I am typing this I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this. It was 10 years ago today that I gave birth to my first baby girl. I say gave birth hesitantly due to the fact that I was mid term (about 4  1/2 months) pregnant with her and of course she was still born.  In other words, I miscarried. I have a hard time really explaining what I went through, because I feel in no way can I compare it to a full term still birth, nor was it anything at all like a "typical" miscarriage, which I also had experienced a few months AFTER this first loss.
It has been, wow, 10 years since I have written anything about this experience and I don't like to stand still in that devastating season of my life, yet I never want to forget, because I want to be able to relate to other women, couples that are going through this every single day. The loss of a baby at any stage can be devastating...and still 10 years later I get choked up and teary eyed when that memory draws me back,  
yet God has brought me so far since then.
There are no words comparable to "I am sorry. I can't find a heartbeat"- 
then to be rushed over to ultrasound and to see your sweet little baby with zero life in her precious little body. I remember looking over at Jeff while I was laying there, with tears streaming down his face, and hearing him call his mom in the car afterwards, choking the words out, "the baby died." I remember sitting at my moms house with my parents and Jeff's parents afterwards, watching my sister walk in the door and telling her, "the baby died" then hearing her race to the bedroom sobbing just as hard as I had been earlier.
Later that day, I was to be induced, so we just waited around all day, waiting for the dreadful moment when I would "give birth" to our precious first born. When she finally was born, I looked at her, not knowing for sure "at that stage" if she was a girl, but was pretty sure...
the nurse rushed in and confirmed, yes in fact, she was a girl. We gave her the name we had originally planned on which was Naomi Renee. She was so tiny, just under 6 inches. But she had such precious little fingers and toes, nose, eyes, ears, mouth... we were even able to take home tiny little feet and hand prints. And I am thankful I was even able to hold her...
A few days later, we had a burial service for just us and a few close family and friends.
But, I kept in mind, that I would see her one day again. For to be absent from the body, meant she was present with the Lord.

The months following were heartbreaking months of questions as to why this happened, blaming myself, waking up in the middle of the night in tears, sleeplessness, obsessing over getting pregnant again, and studying relentlessly all the causes of pregnancy loss. It was draining. When I finally did get pregnant, I was terrified. I knew everything "in the book" that could go wrong, so I was just waiting for it to happen to me, again. 
The problem was, when Naomi died, they never found a reason. It just happened.
The next 9 weeks of my 2nd pregnancy were filled with pure fear and terror, and when I lost the 2nd pregnancy, I almost felt a sense of relief that I got that over with. It's weird, I know...but I felt like NOW I can really focus on believing that God's promises are true.. 
and I did.
 I set my heart on studying what God had to say about children, families and how children were intended to be a blessing to us, not a curse.  
Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infertility is definitely a curse. 
It can break us. I don't care what the doctors call it, what anyone calls it... It is heart wrenching.
 All our hopes and dreams are wrapped up in that precious little life and when it suddenly ends unexpectedly, it shatters us.
(for the record, I HATED when I lost my 2nd baby, and the ER nurse called it "products of conception"-give me a break, that was my baby.)
It took everything in me to take my stand in faith, that God would not fail me. 
And that children truly were 
"...a heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward-Psalms 127:3."  He was no respecter of persons... I kept believing this as I watched every friend and family member I knew get pregnant...and they would come to me, scared to tell me "I'm so sorry. I'm pregnant."All I could say was "Don't be sorry. I'm happy for you."
I know that feeling of noticing every single pregnant woman and baby and wondering why am I not pregnant yet??  But I also was (and still AM) very confident in the God I serve. I may question things, but I never question him... and I most definitely NEVER ever blame him.
To make a long long story short (haha I know it doesnt look that way...), but you can see by my pictures, I am here now 10 years later with my life full of children laughing, screaming, crying, fighting, loving, and snuggling. 
These 3 kids are my life. 
So many times, I get SOOOO stressed out, I can feel like I am going crazy (as any mom of 3 does), but I stop myself and remember what I went through to get to this point..and I become so thankful.. (that right now at this very moment as I type this I hear my 6 year old daughter is yelling "momma! momma! momma! momma!" over and over right in my ear, while my son is mocking her and laughing at her...
the tension is building!!! I better hurry,
 she just asked me "why don't you care about me, momma? you dont love me?"  (-because I am not paying attention.)
...such manipulation, she must know what I am writing about..haha

I will never ever forget Naomi Renee, AND our precious little baby #2 (who I have left for Jesus to name for me)... I always will visit the place where we buried her, but I will definitely remember how faithful God is and where he has brought me. 
How could I forget? These kids WILL NOT let me... 

Here is a family picture from Fall of  2009. With all these kids, I simply didn't have time to take a new one ;-)...not that I didnt try...
 Christmas of 2010

Thats the best I can do for now... time for a new family pic =)

Naomi's Song
( my brother was 16 years old when this happened. He wrote and recorded this song for me. I still cry when I listen to this.)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Coffee Talk~Depression Vs. Joy

we ALL have those moments where we desperately need to TALK to someone. 
sometimes its a therapist. sometimes a pastor. other times its your significant other... 
hubby, boyfriend, your crush? 
most times its a CLOSE friend!  or when you have kids, sometimes you have no choice, 
but to spill your guts to them. who is guilty of crying to your three year old about bills? 
with technology these days, we've all found a moment to talk to our facebook wall or tweet to everyone out there in the tech world that will listen to us talk about our latest "real life" story or complaint.
more often than not, i swear, i talk to myself.  
its really the humor and joy that you can find in the midst of all your "stories" that make life 
completely interesting & worth living!  what is life without HAPPINESS and LAUGHTER?
one of the main reasons and niches behind my blog is learning to laugh 
in the those moments you want to cry. 
i can tell 1000 stories about my kids that in the moment, i most likely had both eyes BUGGING out of my head, but when i look just moments later at them, i laugh.
actually & really, laugh. and it's the best!
i love when i am talking to myself (er...thinking) and i am in the store, or better yet,
at the gym and whatever i was discussing with myself was obviously hilarious.
and I am smiling the HUGEST smile on the planet 
...on the track, or pushing a grocery store cart, whatever the case...
its so good to laugh! ...really, when Proverbs 17:22 says 
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
it IS REALLY so so so true!
I always saw myself as a really happy, joyful person... that I was pretty darn optimistic in life.
In my mind, I sort of described myself as "candy story julie" and I could look at life,
at annoyances, disturbances, arguments... and just find something good that I could 
love or laugh about no matter what.
Then a few years ago, I went through some personal horrible lows, and I swear I never understood depression or suicidal thoughts or battles of the mind, until this happened to me!
to ME, candy store JULIE! where there was good in everything!! here I was sitting day in and day out, desperately wishing for a way out of life...
 Hitting the lowest low I could ever experience, when "life" really wasnt so bad...
yet my mind could NOT stop spinning and thinking, my heart could not stop hurting and breaking, 
i had soo soo many emotions, from pain to guilt to hurt to shame to heartache to embarrassment to loneliness to defeat to low self esteem to feeling unloved to feeling jaded to distance from God...
the list goes on and on...
and i wanted desperately to simply STOP THINKING. thats all there was to it, i needed to find a way to stop thinking. to make my brain STOP functioning for like 2 minutes, so i could smile..
a REAL smile...    more importantly, so I could breathe.
I cant find any other way to explain it! I needed to stop thinking in order to live...
I didnt know how to make that happen!
and I felt like I had no one in the world to talk to. I did have a few friends I talked to, but I honestly dont know if anyone, but myself and God knew how completely ALONE I really felt.
I missed myself! I missed laughing, because I am someone who LAUGHS at EVERYTHING.
...and I loved that about myself, i loved that i got jokes, 
and i made jokes and i could laugh at pretty much anything. 
I MISSED that girl, the girl who laughed!!
I had no clue how to get her back. For a brief period,. I went on meds for depression, but I quickly took myself off them because I just didnt want to be "THAT GIRL" who couldnt make life work without alternate substances. That wasnt me!
Finally after battling and struggling with this emotional instability for close to 2 years,
I had NO choice but to give it up to GOD! Afterall, he was the only one who saw me hiding in my bathroom, or my car or my closet bawling my eyes out on a daily basis.
I think there was a part of me that had attached myself to feeling this way, 
to feeling self pity, to feeling worthless...
AND I KNEW if I gave this over to GOD, and asked him for his help...
he really actually WOULD help... and I would lose that part of me!
Thats why it took me so long to just talk to God, ask him for HIS help...
Isnt that scary? that we would be come so attached to a negative part of our lives,
that we wouldnt WANT to give it up to FINALLY experience ourselves again?
to experience peace and joy again???
Honestly, its taken time.. it was hard to let go of all that pain, but I think that God is so merciful,
he has had so much patience with me...and was sort of like a therapist in that he took me by the hand, one step at a time, to regain that peace and joy in my life again.
The great thing about coffee talk with GOD in those moments that nobody else understands, 
HE actually DOES understand. 
He didnt go through training, or he isnt getting paid to listen to you, he doesnt have faults, yet he is the ONLY one who can hold you and cry with you and not offer you ONLY a ear to listen, 
or give you words of advice, but he can bring healing... total and complete restoration!
and he knows YOU better than any other person ever will, 
Luke 12: 7 says that even the hairs on our head are numbered, 
which means that GOD knows us by detail...
and he KNOWS what method will bring us healing, comfort, joy & peace 
the way WE need it, and sometimes at the pace we need it!
It truly has been a process for me, to let go of so much I was feeling...
and let God fill those voids. 
Now and then, the slightest little irritation or hurt will strike me, and I can feel myself try to slip back into this place of worthlessness... and despair..
which is weird for me, because, like I said, I was never like that...
but at least now I know, when I start feeling that way, to go immediately for council 
 from the Prince Of Peace!  
And little by little, I am learning to laugh ...again...
and I LOVE IT! I love laughing, belly laughs...
I LOVE peace of mind....and JOY! 
Don't YOU?!!

Isaiah 26:3 ~.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

 last week i wrote a poem for a youth service at our church. i love writing my thoughts in poem form, but i struggled with it, because it was something i was ASKED to do... 
rather than thought up myself...
so i stopped, prayed and looked to God, to help me write this from MY heart.. and he did. please click on my Love.Notes Love.Notes page to read the poem. i felt it came from a deep place inside of me, and again, it was God speaking to me...
to all of us...

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