Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Stripped Of Me

  Up until recently, I was very uncomfortable with myself.
I'm not even sure I knew myself until I stumbled on the misfortune of sinking into depression and began grasping at straws to tear and claw my way out. I had very little confidence in who I was. And somewhere in between people pleasing and attention seeking, I figured out that I needed to be alone with me. Just me. I needed to know who I was.
I couldn't rely on who somebody else said I was, because that is always a set up for disappointment... 
And the only way I could do that was to find out who God created me to be and how desperately much He loved me.

So I needed life quiet for awhile.
I let myself settle into sort of a withdrawn state from my surroundings & social media, so I could see ME in the mirror of God's words about me. The only thing I was in need of was God's affection for me.

It was during that season of seeking that He seemed to shine his light on my innermost desires & passions in life.
I finally took a good hard look at who I was. The person I am isn't some needy girl, desperate for people to like me.
I have gifts to give. I have talents to offer. I have passions to chase after.
I have a little ol' personality of my very own that is God given just for me.
He kicked down the ladder out from under me that I kept climbing, trying to reach people and make them like me. (As if I believed I was beneath them somehow.) And He made me see HIMSELF inside of me.  I realized, it is in Him I live & move & have my being.

And something clicked. I didn't need people to see ME anymore. I needed people to see Jesus through me. When I speak or write, when I parent or do my responsibilities as a wife or friend, I don't have to lack confidence or crumble with insecurity any longer.
I was made to shine. I was made to take on these roles with confidence because of who lives in me.

It's a confidence that led me to the journey of loving myself, just as God made me.
My personality, my quirks, my talents or lack thereof. It's me. There is only one me. There is only one mom to my kids and one wife to my husband...
and there is only one ME who can inspire people or encourage people or be a friend the way that I can. The way I do. I do how I do.

I was looking through my recent instagram pictures, wondering how people may see me these days.
They may or may not see anything wrong with me. I'm not too concerned.
In times past, I would have seen plenty wrong with myself.
Especially just a few months post pregnancy...(if you know what I mean).
But something deep inside me changed. It's not about me.

Because I have a newly discovered genuine assurance that has taken residence in my heart.
It's a sort of spunk and an undeniable peace, knowing I got this under control, this life he gave me.
Not because I am so great. But because I have the greater one living inside me.
Not because I know & have everything, but rather that he has supplied me with an immeasurable amount of faith and grace to live this life beautifully. Gracefully.

I am the happiest I have been in years. I truly love my life. I am so in love with my family. I can't stop snuggling my new baby. My husband is so crazy and makes me laugh all the time. And I feel the sweet presence of Jesus peace with me non-stop.

Despite what my bank account says. Despite what my scale says. Despite what my clothes sizes say. Despite what number my twitter or instagram followers say. I am happy. I am confident. And I am free. There is a freedom in loving yourself simply because God created you and you know He doesn't mess up.

I want more and more each and everyday to be stripped of "me."
And more and more each day lived out, I want Jesus to be seen in me.
This is my heart.

1 comment:

Allyson Butler said...

This is such a sweet post! I love when the Lord reveals Himself like that!

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