Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Community: Why It Made Me Nervous

I've been thinking about community for a long time. There have been moments where my heart wanted to dive in fully into building my online life, friendships & ministry. But more often than not, being shy and feeling fearful has led me to shrink away from the world wide web. I've tried bits and pieces of throwing myself out there, but those moments of not feeling completely accepted or welcomed caused me to hold off all over again. I wondered, is it really necessary?

I think that growing up a preachers kid has kept me a little bit guarded. I struggle with the idea of making friends because the majority of my friends over the years were within the church. Within our church. And one thing I've learned is that most church people don't stick around forever. They move away. They find new churches. They find new friends. And if I'm being completely honest and wearing my heart on my sleeve, it hurts. I'm betting most pastor's kids can relate to some degree. Because most of us aren't going anywhere.
We kind of just stand there like the little kid who watches in tears as their dad drives away after their parents separate.
After almost 30 years of being a preachers kid (and being older now), I've realized I don't necessarily have to lose friendships, but it's a bit harder to maintain. And then there is always the awkward 'big elephant in the room.' I hate that elephant. And I tend to avoid it until it approaches me. Or I tend to climb over it so I can still be facebook friends with everyone on the other side. I mean the ones that don't defriend me upon their departure.

As for school, I was never part of a group. I could get along with anyone. But I was more of a loner.
The group I did finally wiggle my way into during my junior year, I could never fully be a part of because although they liked the same music and had the same style as I did, (the alternataive, grunge, skatergirl 90s thing) I was unwilling to participate in some the things they were doing so I somehow got the unofficial boot from the group. We parted ways naturally, I guess you could say.

And that is pretty much how I've always lived my life. I've been accustomed to having short term friendships or just being a loner. I got used to it. And I am still pretty comfortable with walking into a room full of people and just sitting alone. I truly don't feel like an idiot. Do I wish someone would come talk to me? Sure. But I never felt like I needed a table full of girls next to me to feel okay. I have a few close friends, whom I rarely even have time to talk to anymore, but I've been comfortable with it most of the time.

That was why when I attended the very first Influence Conference in 2012, I wasn't scared. I had somehow managed to find three roommates, whom I still love to this day. That very first night at the "Stripes' party, I had several girls walk up to me that recognized me from online and they said "Hey, You're Julie!" It thrilled me to have people recognize me and to have girls that I felt 'got me.'
When I first started blogging in January of 2012, it took me several months to get it, to get the idea of community. I had no idea community (friendships) even existed through this avenue. People knew me as the snarky, funny and sometimes inspirational one. I changed the name of my blog to From Awkward To Art after that because I felt like it matched my heart. I was an awkward girl who had went through a season of depression, never feeling completely comfortable with a group or with myself and somehow God changed me to see myself in his image. He took me from ashes to beauty, from awkward to art.
But then, I got worn out. I felt like all my time and energy was put into this blog, because I wanted people to like me.
In May of 2013 I stepped back from the blog and from most online community and since then I've been slow to find a place back within.

It's been a slow process because I don't want my identity to be wrapped up in people and how they see me, or in being a part of a group. I want to be sure my "popularity" within networks or groups isn't what drives me. It's a place I don't want to be in because like I said in my last post, it's a place we set ourselves up for disappointment. And to be honest, sometimes I feel like I just don't have the time. The little computer time I have is set aside for writing or church volunteer work and before I know it my kids are complaining that I am always on the computer or on my phone, even though I've spent little to no time connecting or making friends or visiting forums, chatting on twitter, etc

I've tried to tell myself that I'm okay with it, that I don't want to live online anyways. And I try to tell myself that all that matters is that I am sharing my heart with people and reaching just a few people. I've told myself that it's okay to be a bit of a loner, as long as God is using me to speak into even one life.

But... and this is a BIG BUT... there has to be something said for having personal relationships with people, for speaking more directly into their lives and leaning on them for support and encouragement. Afterall, even Jesus had his crew. He had 12 men and a few women even that supported him, traveled with him, loved him, boasted of him and learned from him. He had close personal relationships even though he healed and spoke to thousands.

I wanted to find out what the Bible said about community and friendship because maybe if I could see that the word of God encourages it, it would push me a little hard to build community in my life.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is what God is speaking to me right this very minute.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.
If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm.
But how can one be warm alone?
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated,
but two can stand back to back and conquer.
Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

And this is the reason God has build humanity for community. To hold each other up.
We may not connect closely with every person. We may not connect closely with the most popular people online, but if our intentions or heart is in the right place, that won't matter anyways. The point is we all need someone, someone that gets us. And lets face it, not everyone gets this online network of friendships we build. People will laugh at us, make fun of us for using it so much to connect to the outside world, and that is why friendships within it are needed.

I fully intended earlier this year to buy my ticket to Influence Conference with the money I had from my income taxes. Partial fear and partial laziness to sit down and actually do it caused me to miss my opportunity while I had the money.
I believe God can still provide a way if I am supposed to be there. But either way I do want to make more of an effort (especially once my kids are back in school and they can't scold me) to connect better with more of you all...or y'all, however you say it. If you notice me slacking off, send me a virtual slap in the face, would ya?

I pray that whoever makes it to the conference and whoever doesn't, that we would find our people. That we would take the initiative, the get up and go to show ourselves friendly... to find our people we love and that love us back. Our people that get us and that God brings into our lives to be our support,
our cord that cannot easily be broken...


TicoTina said...

once again I identify with you in the "friends with anyone" but still kind of a loner category. I already knew before this year was halfway over what I want my word for next year to be - Relationships. I decided that I want to stop going into relationships with people waiting for THEM to set the atmosphere or whatever you want to call it. I want to be effusive in loving people and not hold back waiting to see how they feel first. I know it's a vulnerable position to be in, but the struggle really lies in what you say, not doing it to be liked back. I want to work hard on it in the coming year, not that I'm not going to be reading, planning, and experimenting until then :) I have almost no time to be connecting with people the way I want to online, but I'm going to be brainstorming along those lines.

Allison Rebecca said...

Julie, this is a beautiful, bold post-something I have been struggling with for a while-I have had people close to me in my life (or so I thought) put me down and make fun of me for blogging. Being a stay at home mom is a blessing, but it can also be isolating and we do need community-God created us because even He wanted community and to be loved. Your friendship and writing have truly been a blessing and I am looking forward to the day when we can chat over coffee in person-).

L said...

I love your heart, friend! Your words always inspire me & I totally get where you are coming from :) so thankful we got to meet in real life (even if I did hug you ;) lol)!!!

Hanna said...

I just want you to know that I could have written his exactly. You and I are walking and have walked a. Wry similar road my friend. I'm so grateful to you for just opening up and sharing your heart. Thank you. I still feel bullied and alone sometimes

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