Monday, April 21, 2014

When Life Doesn't Feel Picture Worthy

Along with every other parent or couple or person who celebrates with festivities on Easter Sunday, I found good reason to take pictures of three things...(people) I deem worthy of my time and effort to take said pictures. These three. 
If you have multiple kids, you know what an effort this can be on any normal day, much less when you are trying so very hard to keep them looking "perfect." Trying to get all three to look at the camera, smile for the camera, look presentable at the very least for the camera all at one time. 
It's nearly an impossible task that we take on with rewards of candy or presents or dollar bills if they do a good job. Personally, I give my kids opportunity to "act crazy" for the pictures, so it's a win/win. They get their crazy shots in. I hopefully get my "normal" shots (whatever those are) in.
"Smile for Mommy, look, look, look at Mommy, Leila, at Mommy, look at me, not at the cat. Wesley, put your hand down. Jada stop squinting... Ok, look at Mommy...Smile...Ok, make a crazy face! Stick your tongues out! Thumbs up everyone!" 
Because everyone needs a chance to chill out for a minute and go a little crazy, whatever crazy is to you, so life can resume again "as normal."

Life for me has been in crazy mode. 

I feel overwhelmed with preparations for our new soon coming arrival. I feel extremely exhausted. I wake up each day with swollen hands and feet and the very thought of walking to the basement to change the laundry over or going to the grocery store is uncomfortable to me and I'm on the verge of tears everyday, almost every moment. But life hasn't changed for my kids, so I have to stay in that moment, in their moment all the time, which feels impossible to do. They are still needy. They are still noisy. They still crave my time. They still need food. They still need stories read to them and games played with them and I try so hard with what little energy I have to not get uptight with them, for simply needing their mom.
I will be honest with you. It's been a challenge. I'm definitely not on top of my game. I don't have a lot to say that feels blog worthy or picture worthy these days. As I sit here to try to catch up on my blog, I have one kid coming to me screaming about the other one slapping her in the face. Meanwhile he follows her in and is calling her a "baby and an idiot." And the third one is right behind them both, saying something like"Jada gots a taxi." 
I'm not sure what that means, so I leave it at "I don't know honey." 
Because that's all I can even muster up the energy to say.

What do you say when you have nothing to say? Or when you have too much to say?
What do you say when life doesn't feel picture worthy or blog post worthy, but part of your livelyhood is based on writing and sharing your heart?
What do you say when your heart feels slightly confused or sad or whiney or too emotional...
or some days even too full (if that is possible) and it almost feels like too much is going on in your head to even try to relay it in a mere blog post?
Some days peoples motives confuse me. Some days other bloggers confuse me. Some days life confuses me.
Some days I just don't get it. I don't get what I am supposed to say to everyone. I don't get what I am supposed to do with all these thoughts and ideas, except be still with them.
And some days I feel like I should grab the bull by the horns, hop on and run with them.
But for today, I'm kind of doing neither. 
I'm taking it one day at a time with no real agenda to run with thoughts or ideas, nor to sit still.
I just need a minute to breathe. To let the crazies in my life and in my head do whatever it wants to do. 
Some days I don't bask in the presence of God like I know I need to to get through these kind of seasons. Some days I sit at watch movies on netflix instead.

Saturday night before Easter... you know what I did at about 3am? I watched Dirty Dancing. 
Then I googled Patrick Swayze. Then I googled Jennifer Grey on Dancing with the Stars. And I bawled my eyes out as I read about her tears as she remembered Patrick Swayze.
Yes, friends, that is what I mean. 
I will cry at anything and my mind is everywhere lately.
I can jump from extreme gratitude of the Lord working in my life to crying over Patrick Swayze in just minutes...
And I accept it is what it is right now. It's not picture perfect. It's not blog worthy. It's not inspirational or pretty. But it's real.
And real is where I live right now.
Expectant is where I live.
Exhausted is where I live

And now it's time to get my kids down for bed. I have no idea where my husband is, at church doing something I believe...
And by the way, I did find out what "Jada gots a taxi" meant. Jada poked a hole in the top of her water bottle with a tac and was sipping the water through the hole, so Leila wanted to do the same thing....

Kids. Life. Goodnight.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." So I will boast the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."


TicoTina said...

Kids. Life. pretty much sums it up! I always enjoy reading a real look into someone's life like this and I miss writing mine out. I'm not sure when you wrote this, but it's always encouraging to me to hear when someone is allowing themselves to rest in grace. Carry on, friend!

No(dot dot)el said...

This is a good word Julie. Hang in there momma you are almost done. That baby boy will be in your arms before you know it. In the mean time put your feet up and get those munchkins to give you a foot rub ;)

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