Wednesday, April 3, 2013

If I Were A Song Writer...

Some days I wish I was a song writer. Or even a book writer. Possibly a poet. But for now I write in my online journal. My blog. Blogging is sort of awkward at times. All I really want is to get all these thoughts out. These thoughts that are jumbling up my brain as I work out or drive or shower. These inspirations, these aggravations, these motivations. I want to write them out. You know how you hear of a typical guy/girl fight. The girl wants to spill her guts, to vent...she doesn't necessarily want the advice of her guy, but she just wants someone to listen. I'm a hard thinker. Probably because I'm a girl. Maybe because I'm passionate. Possibly because I'm a writer. But I think hard. And a lot. And I usually want to spill it all out onto someone that will listen. I don't have a lot of those people, those people that won't form an opinion, but that will just listen. And the few I do have, I feel like I've worn them out with all my jumbled pile of dirty laundry... sometimes literally.  So, instead I dump my brain and spill my heart here, wanting to tell someone, but not necessarily wanting people to know it all.

I think blogging can be difficult, because you write things as they happen. It's a daily or weekly thing, in which people can read daily or weekly about what is going through your mind.  People can wonder immediately why you said that, offer you their advice or sympathy...or empathy immediately. And it's almost embarrassing. I've made it known that I am a pretty open book. I spill a lot of my heart out to people when I want them to care and I just spill a lot onto people in general... and after the fact, maybe a week or two later...maybe a year later, I get slightly embarrassed that you know so much. You don't know everything, but you know enough to think you really know me.

The truth is a blog post doesn't tell the whole story. It doesn't tell of the days leading up to the post, the years, the emotions, the events.
It simply explains what you are feeling right now or doing right now in this very moment and maybe what you have done or are doing about it. It's hard to tell the whole story about some things in thirty or forty-five minutes. Some stories could be a book. Some stories have back stories that have back stories that have back stories, but all you are reading is the here and now, the blog post. The event, or the emotion that is happening now...

 If I was a book writer, I could tell a story.  A real story of a real life and the events all the way back to childhood that led to me being a blogger today and maybe you would understand more.  I would have the time to expound on the tragedy, the reality , and the beautiful events that makes life what it is today. Your heart, your smile, your tears would read a long with the ups and downs of my life and conclude with me today on this day why I am the way I, the day you are finally reading this....but I don't have the time to do that
 If I was a songwriter, I could write a melody with lyrics about my life, my relationships, my fears...but you may never know it's actually about me . You would sing along. hum the tune of my song and feel the emotion, but never know how deeply I felt those feelings when I wrote that song that one day when I wrote it. You would hear the song years later and still sing along. You may wonder what the song actually was about, but never really know.   You may think it was about my marriage, when actually it's about a friends marriage. You may think it's about a spouse, but actually it's about an ex love.  Its catchy tune may disguise the intensity of the lyric, so you forget about the emotion behind it.  All you know is it's about love and it's struggles...And some of my songs that I wrote, I have only felt to some degree, but they aren't even my feelings. I am trying to write the feelings that I may perceive  in another human being or situation in the world, but they aren't actually MY feelings. They are not personal to me, other than that my heart is wondering and wandering through the lives of other people. Yet, a song touches so many lives for whatever reason and is felt in their soul years and years and years later, after the actual emotion was felt that made that song possible.

If I was a poet, I would write about life and nature and music and faith. I would use metaphors and similes, so that you would have to figure out what I was talking about. It would create a sketch in your mind of comparisons about life to storms and nature and animals and other inanimate objects. But very rarely would I come right out and say what I am thinking. And very rarely would you read it AS I was feeling it. You wouldn't read it until years later...again, after the fact. And you may find love and truth and intellectual beauty in it, but never will you really know the actual thoughts I was thinking in that moment.

Blogging is different. It's almost scarier I think . I don't cover my thoughts with a vast hole of time gone by so that one day people will know what I was feeling 5 years ago.  I don't engulf my feelings in a rhythm that others can sing a long to never realizing how real it felt when I wrote it. And I don't often use metaphors. Because it's journaling and it's immediate. I call it like I see it in that moment. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am cynical. Maybe I am too positive. Maybe I talk too much. But it's just me writing life as it comes at me. And it's scary, because even though we all have these thoughts we think, writing them publicly turns you into the target of possible judgment, humiliation, and questions right in that moment that you are feeling them. Do I want that?
Maybe you don't want a hug or advice. You might just have a lot to say... But maybe you do. and get nothing from anyone.  Maybe you just need a hug, but have no one around to give it to you. Maybe your heart is alive with inspired thoughts but you have no one to share it with. Whatever the case, it gets an immediate reaction by those around you to your very current thoughts and feelings. Whether bad or good. Sometimes it gets no reaction at all.  And the reaction or no reaction from others creates new thoughts and feelings and events that you write about. 

Either way, it's scary, because you lay all your emotion and inspiration on the line and you just wait to see what people will say (or won't say) over the next few days... But I still do it, when I want to, because I like to write. And for now this is what I can write for everyone to see.
This is what I feel. It's never hidden by the strum of a guitar or the stroke of keys.It's not handled with care over years and years
of editing and retelling the story. It is what it is today, in this moment, and as soon as I hit publish, you are reading it. I am what I am. I think a lot. I feel huge. I love big. Really big. I hurt hard. I care more than I care to admit. My heart never stops finding a place to feel compassion. My mind never stops wondering why things happen. My feelings never stop growing and getting stronger.  I never stop learning about myself and the way I do how I do.  And I never ever stop seeking God's wisdom for life...So I write it here, in this space of mine.
This space I've given over to the wondering and judgement and stalking and nosiness and hopefully sometimes admiration and inspiration of others. This space in which people can think to themselves, "What is REALLY going on with her?' Why did she REALLY write this?" Right now, no particular reason other than its me, thinking out loud. This space in which my family and friends can wonder about me.... or this space in which the people who are not my close personal friends can unfriend me if they dislike my current musings.
This is where I write. I write what is right here and now. And I hope here. I hope that in all my ideals and amusements and thoughtfulness, that one day someone, some way will some how find a moment of inspired faith and renewed interest in something they lost.

I hope that's ok. I hope it's ok that I say things and think things that you don't always understand. I hope it's ok that I am emotional.  I hope it's ok that God has given me a whole lot of ME to deal with, to use, to push. I hope it's ok that sometimes I just call it like I see it. I talk a lot and I feel so much and I don't always let you in on why...
It's ok with me if its ok with you... Actually either way, it's ok with me...


Jaimee @ Craft, Interrupted said...

Beautiful and so like seeing an old friend. Your writing style reminds me of my own...and why I do it, too. keep on friend!

AbsoluteMommy said...

You are a beautiful writer. Just write. A song, a poem, a lyric, a novel. Write it. I love reading your blog because I don't need the backstory. All I need are the words.

Jacy Pulford said...

Julie, your heart and soul are beautiful. You ARE a writer. Having the title of author, song writer, poet doesn't make anyone less of a writer. God has blessed you with the inspiring word...thank you for planting seeds of inspiration within your readers...and friends xoxo

TicoTina said...

I appreciate your rawness. I love the journey that is blogging, even though it is scary. I love that we can understand that about each other. I feel like we need another summer meetup =)

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Julie you totally ARE a writer, and your words are beautiful, thoughtful and deep.

Jess said...

Brand new to your blog today, and I feel everything you said here. Blogging is so immediate, in the moment, and real- it makes it easy for us to connect with others, but allows others to easily judge us, as well. I think that's why so many bloggers struggle occasionally with whether they should continue blogging- they love the medium for all the way it can enrich our lives, but it can be tough how vulnerable it can make us at times.

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