Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Doing What I Have To Do To Get What I Want...

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks while on vacation with my family about
 what matters most in life.
What do you want out of your life? What do I want? Am I willing to fight for it?
People say they love this person, or have this dream, or their family matters the most...
but how much are we willing to give? How much are we willing to sacrifice to have the
ultimate marriage? Does that mean we give up our own dreams at times to make someone
else happy? Well that depends. What is it that you want? Do you want a happy marriage?
Is your dream to have a happy marriage? Or is your dream something else? Are you sacrificing
your marriage for your dream? Or sacrificing your dream for your marriage or family?
Sometimes you have to give up one to make the other real. Sometimes all the things
we think we want  go hand in hand.
Sometimes we have to sacrifice the least for the greatest...
We all say that our family means more than anything. Then why do we tell our kids to leave us
alone? Why do we talk about our spouses negatively? Why do we not make time to spend with
our parents or siblings? Is it selfishness that makes us this way?
I've watched people sacrifice their own joy to try to fight for someone they love, to hold onto them,
whether it be their spouse, child, friend...and I've watch people say "enough is enough" and let go...
It's really for every single person to decide for themselves. And think hard about.
Do you want happiness doing what you want to do in the moment, accomplishing goals and pursuing dreams? Or do you want happiness in your marriage and family? Is it possible for both? Maybe one can wait for a few years until your kids are grown up or your marriage is strong?
Maybe sometimes that is not possible.
I don't know... Only you do for you, and I do for me.

YOU have to do what you have to do to make the marriage work. The dream come true.
The family be at peace. The business succeed.
I need to stop being so lazy about what I really want.  I've even prayed for God to restore the passion and romance back in my marriage. Does that mean I don't love my husband anymore?
No. It means I love him very much and I want to feel it more than I do day in and day out, after 16 years.
Does praying to ask God for the strength to put time and effort into my kids mean I don't 
love them? Because why should I have to pray for these things if I love them?
Shouldn't it just come naturally?
Not really. We are all human. And have these selfish attributes. Which clearly in the end,
don't really make us happy.
Is laziness really happiness? It feels like it sometimes. Where we can just sit back and watch life and our families as if we were watching a movie and never really put anything into it other than what we absolutely have to...
Will lack of effort help us? How it affect our future...or theirs?
Why is it that our selfish wants and desires never really make us happy. 
I think it's because we were born to serve others, to make others happy, to help others...
And in that, we then truly become happy.
Maybe I'm wrong. I'm working on this. These past few weeks on vacation proved to me that I have
a lot of work to do with my kids. Particularly my son. A few months ago, he wast tested for autism.
Which he did not end up having. But tested high for "depression" and "stress." He is 9 years old.
It comes out in different forms in a 9 year old. In self depreciation. Hurtful remarks about himself,
that hurt me horribly to hear him say these things... In emotional outbursts, similar
to that of a 2 year old, which makes it obviously embarrassing in public and tiring for me.
Some days I don't feel like I have the energy to do it. I really don't. Should I stand my ground and 
let my kids have their way and never clean or help around the house? I know I shouldn't.
But it's so much easier than the constant battles. 
But what is it that I want?
I want my kids to grow up to be happy. To love themselves. To love me and Jeff. I don't want
them depressed. Or incompetent. And I never want to hear the words "I hate you" come out
of their mouth...So that means it's going to take work. I can't give up. And I need strength to do this.
I really need God's help and strength to fight through the battles we all face with our kids,
as they are younger and as they are older...
and our marriage 
and our dreams

I think the biggest part of my purpose lies in what I want most.
1) I want to have a passionate romantic marriage.
2) I want my kids to grow up happy and loving us and each other aand loving themselves and most of all loving their creator...
3) I want to write and blog
4) I want to be a blessing to my church
But I sense the need to focus on the  first two things first within my family before the others...
with God's strength of course...which in the end and in the beginning includes me wanting God involved in every area of everything I do and decision I make.
( I haven't always been the best at it. I've owned my fair share of selfishness)
I'm not exactly sure how to make everything perfect in my life. I don't think it will ever be that.
But I'm sure with hard work, sacrifices that I don't complain about... and better choices...
I can get close...
What about you?


TicoTina said...

spiritual beings living in a fallen world, yearning for everything to be in its right place again... and the struggle of trying to learn what that means for us in the right now... kids sure have a way of making us realize how much we need God! praying for wisdom, for you, for me...

Maria said...

this was beautiful and so thought provoking (as are so many of your sweet posts). thank you so much for sharing, julie.
you have a beautiful heart and family. i love your honesty.
your son will be in my thoughts and prayers. i pray you find peace and passion in each day. <3<3

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

"I need to stop being so lazy about what I really want."

I feel the same exact way.

lovejoy_31 said...

Were you in my head today??? Love this. I needed to read this to know that someone else feels the same way.

Elizabeth Trull said...

I have been thinking along these same lines lately myself. It's been a struggle to keep fighting for what I want for my family but it's more important than anything else so I'll keep up the fight. Thanks for the encouragement.

Brooke @ Covered in Grace said...

I've been feeling shaken lately too... Julie, I think we're both getting the answers to our prayers..."draw me close to you Lord" "help me to yearn for you Lord"... I totally believe that God brings us into an awareness of our surroundings, of the people and things that matter to order to help us realize how much we need him and how much he has already blessed us. =)

Joy Foucault said...

I love this post Julie! So often I feel very similar for both the kid part and passion part. (And I've only been married for 6 years to your 16!) As always thanks for being open and honest, writing from the heart.

Kelly {Sparkles and Shoes} said...

What a great post, I love this!

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Kayla Gerard said...

Such a great post! All of it is so true, so thank you for that. Love it and love you Julie :) I am so thankful for all you do at church and for everyone, you could REALLY tell you weren't there for a few weeks! I really appreciate all you do! Just thought I would let you know!

Allison said...

best post I've read in months anywhere! thanks for your honesty-it's so easy to forget that our purpose in life is to serve others before ourselves...God blesses us when we do. praying for you sweet friend!

mare ball said...

Very good. So open and honest. You are so right that we need to work on everything in our life and commit to doing our best. God knows we are fragile and silly and childish, but we are loved by Him anyway. And it it through HIS strength and grace that we accomplish anything. Your worries as an imperfect mom are not uncommon. But keep in mind your kids are not perfect either. we are ALL human and ALL God's kids. We don't get it completely right ever. But God is big and sovereign and with Him, life will be the journey it's supposed to be.

Sandra said...

Julie, what an honest & relatable post! We all struggle down our own paths, with God's grace we will make it! Praying for you and your family :)

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