Monday, June 18, 2012

To Baby Or Not To Baby (that is the question)...

 Keeping in mind that the above picture pretty much sums up my life:
which I realize is slightly scary looking
Yes, that IS the question today: to baby or not to baby?
The last few months have been transition time for me,
emotionally, spiritually, physically.
I have been far happier than I have been in years (although I still have
those rough days)... My relationship with God has be completely AMAZING...
we are like BFFs fo sho... and this couldn't make me happier.
 I'm like Wesley on a roller coaster, eating cotton candy...with Lucy (that's his little girlfriend). ;)
And to top it all off, I completely have no energy since I quit working out 
and start eating crap.
Haha.... I had you going there, didn't I? With how great I was doing!?
HOWEVER, this brings me to this point of the title of my post!
Man, the baby itch has been scratching me A LOT lately!
And I love the "raised eyebrows" or unsolicited advice of "Just Say No" I get when
I mention it to a family member, or a friend that only has one or two kids.
So when they come over, it must feel to them like my home is a ticking time bomb. 
I don't even know what it's like to have 
ONE well behaved 6 year old, or 8 year old, or 10 year old. 
Never happened to me.
To me, having kids flying over the tops of sofas at full speed, being chased by a dog,
landing upside down, one crying, one laughing one, one singing...
is normal. It's my life. It may completely overwhelm me at times, 
but I swear, it's what I do best.

You know the scripture that says:
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. He shall not be put to shame when
he speaks with the enemies in the gate! (Psalm 127: 4-5)
Well, my quiver is full sista friend...I mean, almost. Some peoples quiver is full with
one, some people two, some people eight... 3 is good for me... or is it 4? ;)
But, I love that it says he shall NOT be put to shame. What is so shameful about having
a house full of children? NOTHING! So stop raising your eyebrows at me =P
(For the record, I hate when people make fun of people who love kids. 
Even if they have 8 or 10 kids...
If God gives them the grace to do it, by all means, go for it!)
 I have a friend or sister come over, alone, or bringing their one child, 
and I sit down to have a good chat,
and I swear to you on my life, I get up about 17 times an hour to fix something, get 
something, do something....My catch phrase is "Hold on a sec."
How on earth I have time to sit down and type on this blog every few days,
I will never figure out. It must be the grace of God. 
But after being pregnant 5 times, 
burying one at midterm , miscarrying the 2nd early on...
having 3 c-sections (one after 36 hours of unsuccessful labor, 2 scheduled), 
4 pregnancies with full blown morning sickness, 
taking progesterone supplements during the 1st trimester with the 3 crazies that are
running around my house screaming "I'm so bored" at this very moment...
just so I could hang on to the their pregnancies,
horrid face, chest & back acne, AND pre-eclampsia with 2 of the kids...
gaining 70 lbs, 65lbs and 57 lbs (but hey, at least the poundage went down with each kid!)
I wouldn't exactly say I am the glowing pregnant woman turned soccer mom.

But I am the mom that cherishes these little lives more than anything on earth.
With their toothless smiles, and loud screechy screams, their tantrums and 
tears over the sight of "blood" which is really just a centimeter sized scratch!
I cherish this noise, the craziness. And I laugh in the face of the raised eyebrows...
Because I lost 2 babies and if I want to have 17 kids, by golly, I will!
(Ok, I actually wouldn't, and can't because of the c-sections.. 
I can really only have 1 more...because of weak muscles, apparently! But c'mon people,
don't look at me like I am octomom when I mention having another baby.
I have 3. Not a football team!
Side note: um, did my rant just make me say by golly?! eeeeesh...
One of my favorite quotes is from Friends, where Phoebe is pregnant and she is so sick 
of being pregnant  and Joey says "But Phoebes, you have that cool 
pregnant lady glow." And she goes, "Ugh, you throw up all morning and you 
will have that glow too!" Ahhh, yes... the miracle of life, my friends.
But when I wake up in the morning (like I did this morning) and I tell my little blonde haired, 
blue eyed native baby "You're gorgeous." She says "No, I'm not."
I say, "Yes, you are." She says "Where?" I point to her eyes, nose and little pink
lips and say "Here, here and here..."
These are the conversations I don't want to lose. These are the conversations
I want to keep having over and over..
Or when (again today) my son tells me with tears in his eyes, 
"Sometimes I cry a  little because Jesus is so nice to us."
NOTHING.. and I mean NOTHING makes me happier!
I never want to lose those moments. I realize I can't keep going...and going...and going...
every time one of my kids grow up a little..
But is it really going be that much harder to have ONE MORE???!
Is it really going to be that much more noise than it already is? 
Or, I ask you, is it going to be THAT much more blessing? 

We took the kids to the park today and Leila (my youngest) is now 3 1/2 and she is
at that age where I don't have to follow her around and watch her non-stop.
Although it's noisy in the house, (and in the car) let's face it, its like a circus everywhere we go
It's really nice not having to worry if she will fall of the slide or something.
Life has been busy, and it's slowing down in one sense (however I realize
every stage of raising children has its challenges)...
So do I really want to start over with the baby stage again?
I do and I dont... I want to relive it all again REALLY BAD, 
but I am enjoying my "freedom."
Haha, it's funny that I say that, because I actually am insanely busy...
but I mean, I am not having to 24/7 monitor what they will pick up and put in their mouth..
~~that type of thing.
I'm 36...the clock is ticking, my friends. If I am going to do this, 
it better happen quick. I'm not doing this past 38.
My life is transitioning. I am moving on from my past. 
Moving on to making use of what God has placed in me, being ME more again...
and I like being ME. 
I love being Mom, Mommy, M.O.M. Madre'... all great names the kids call me, of course, 
but I like being ME too!

This is a situation that only the wisdom of God can help me in. 
You would think Jeff would have a say in this. But he seems content either way.
It's kinda up to me. Not that he minds "practicing", as he calls it.
Typical Man=) But really, it's sort of between Me and God, this decision.
Only God knows me better than I know myself, knows what I desire in life,
where I am emotionally & physically, what I can handle...
I guess, if you come find me in two years, you'll find out the answer to this question.
My random mom musing...for the week!


Covered in Grace


TicoTina said...

I have all the same feelings as you about this! we obviously only have two, but I don't know if we should go back to the baby stage or keep going towards those other things in our lives in the less complicated way that this stage of children allows. I suppose if we could dictate it we would probably have twins sometime in the next two years so that we could just do it one more time and have an even number of kids =)

Maria said...

Julie, I admire your want for more children so much. I don't think you're crazy one bit and am certainly not rolling my eyes at you. Even though I don't have children yet, in my mind, I see more than two...even with the journey it has taken us to get to one. When you know what you want, you know what you want. And you're an awesome, fun, nuturing mama who is more than good "at what you do!"
Whatever path you choose, I will be rooting for you and praying for you!
Hope your week is off to a great start!

Lena @ Mom2MemphisAndRuby said...

Loved this post... As always. Only you know what size your should be! I'd love 1 more... But then there would be an age gap between M & R and the new baby... So I'd want 1 more... Lol. Our place is too tiny for a family of 6. ;) xoxo

Julie Marling said...

Great pics! Children are awesome! I would have more if I could. Just found your awesome blog on covered in grace. It's so cute! Love for you to follow back when you get a chance. Hosting Mom's Monday Mingle. Love to have you link up and follow back ;)

No(dot dot)el said...

DO IT! DO IT! I can honestly say that once you hit that number 3, outnumbered business it just seems like Kid chaos and fun 24/7 so if you have enjoyed having 3 you'll be fine with 4. Also you should know that I am not the kind of momma that says once you have this many kids it's all the same. Because it's NOT the same. You just added a whole other entire life and soul to the mix so how could it be the same? But, now that I have totally contradicted myself and left you confused and bewildered I should go!

Lucy McCracken said...

Julie, I love your sense of humor when you're speaking from your heart. You make me laugh, cry and just happy all at the same time. I think it would be so wonderful if you had another baby. You are an amazing mom and you would be such a blessing t another child. I think once you hit 3 the more you have doesn't change that much. We've fostered up to 4 kiddos and I didn't really notice that much of a difference from having three. I was still just as crazy. :)

No(dot dot)el said...

Oh and btw- you are adorable as a preggers momma ;)

Kelly said...

Oh honey! I TOTALLY get ya right here. Girl as far as crazy goes you got it with 3 so what's one more when it comes to THAT part of it. BUT, as Noel said adding another life, another LOVE to your journey on this earth can't be a bad thing no matter WHAT others say. I have heard MANY MANY times are you going to have anymore? PLEASE tell me your done! You have 4 kids?? How old are YOU? (that's my personal fav because i must look younger than I am! ha!) You must be crazy! Better you than me, etc. etc. I've had MANY hard days BUT i wouldn't trade one of those for a good day without them. God does something to a person when they have another child. I don't know how to describe it but girl he does this WORK that takes CARE of everything in a way only HE can. I DEF understand that feeling of looking forward to a new part of life after littles though!!! That's where we are right now! Although we are done with biological children i can't say down the road we won't open our home another way. I am excited to see what you decide and I'll be with you ALL the WAY lady!!

Jessi said...

I say, if the Lord has placed it on your heart at this point in time, go for it!! I'll cheer you on, not raise my eyebrows at you :) We've always wanted a big family. I'm talking 6, 8, 10 kids and we get all kinds of looks and comments. But we're of course, leaving all the details up to God.

Danette Dillon said...

I hope you do have another...maybe even adopt. More kids need moms like you; a mom who is full of Scripture with a desire to see the world brighter through her children.

Love it.

Jelli said...

What a transparent post. I really appreciate when ladies open up with their doubts and let us see their hearts. May God lead you and your "up for practice" hubs (smiling knowingly) into the perfect size family for you.

Jenny said...

I think you are the only one who knows what is best for you. Everyone is different. For me personally two children just feels right, but I think it is awesome when people have big families!

Stopping by from the Networking Blog Hop…I would love if you would come say hello :)
Modern Modest Beauty

Girls Love Fried Pickles said...

Your my hero! Three kids and an amazing life! I love ya!

Addicted to Recipes said...

Personally...I say...give it a try! I would love to have more kids, but my age caught up with me!

Jenny Bardsley said...

Hi! I just found your blog on the Monday Mingle. Your blog is so great and the pictures of you when you were pregnant...sooooo cute!!
From Cassandras Corner
I hope you will check me out sometime too!

Allison Coomes said...

This is a first for me...laughing and pondering serious thoughts at the same time. God knows us better than we know ourselves-looking forward to seeing God's plan unfold in your life-because whether you have 3 or 4 little ones...He's already using you in big ways! as always-thanks for sharing!

bridechilla said...

Wish I looked as fab as you preggers...even if you didn't feel the best during some weeks. ;)


The Moseleys said...

Oh good luck sweet friend! These are hard decisions. I personally, like the idea of having another... :)

Cassidy said...

Ok first off you do not look 36! Anyway that is a tough decision to make. I had 3 c-cections and 3 miscarriages. Would have gone on for a 4th but my doc said absolutely not. Even though I did not get my girl and have been blessed with 3 boys. I find comfort and feel blessed to be alive and healthy to raise the 3 I have. Its such a personal decision. If it is something you feel 100% right to try again and you have your Drs ok you should. Having kids and raising them is a trial no matter how you look at it but it is the greatest blessing in the world at the same time :) Good luck on your decision.

Brandy said...

I've got two kiddos and when people ask me if we plan to have more and I say YES, it's crazy that I get all these shocked looks and people saying, "Are you sure?" Really, when did it become only okay to have two kids at the most??

Jess Judkins said...

I only have one son (judah) but my husband and I married later in life, I worked in full time ministry thinking I would eventually work in either the garbage slums of cairo or the dominican republic full time with children. But God had other plans and Scott and I got married and had a honeymoon baby. I have this sense of I always wanted to be a mom, yet I am scared out of my mind to have another, I let fear creep into my heart making me believe I will fail at being a mom of +2 kids. I think in a few months we may try again :-) Judah will be a bit older by then and hopefully I will have more peace :-) right now it scares me

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