Word Web Vocabulary

Last week I had a cardiac ablation. Wires were taken through my groin up into my veins and then to my heart to burn out unnecessary tissue that had been causing me to frequently have an irregular heart rhythm. In the days leading up to the procedure, it took everything in me not to hit up google and seek out the risks associated with it. Because with every medical decision made to hopefully improve the quality of your life, there comes a list of risks and almost every one of those lists ends with 'stroke or death.'

But isn't that the way it should be? I mean as far as the human existence goes, we should be compelled to have a better 'quality of life' about us, should we not? Just living it and managing a physical heart rhythm isn't enough. There needs to be more than just breath.

Still the only true and real thing that boosts the quality of our lives is LOVE. Love is our reason for  existing. It's the precise reason for our being alive. Our goal is to love the Lord God, love others, love ourselves. If we don't have love, we are nothing. Remember that?

Be that as it may...love hurts. Although it’s true that a higher quality of life is embodied in love, it can feel risky. Because of the incredible depth of it, there is always that chance that on the other side of love... is pain. And the fear of pain...or ample experience with it...can hold us back from having a genuinely rewarding existence from here on out.
The many facets and types of love can leave us feeling jaded or even battered depending on our exact situation. Parents may have mistreated us. Friends may have back stabbed us. Relatives may have abused us. Our child may have fallen ill. A spouse may have cheated on us. A boyfriend/girlfriend may have left us. A church friend may have talked about us. A leader may have failed us. A loved one may have passed away too soon. A trusted person may have abandoned or betrayed us.

Any of these situations and the plethora of others you may have experienced can leave you feeling afraid to really love again.

Why take the risk? It hurts too bad. We don't like to be hurt. We don't like how people make us feel.  We don't like when people leave us too soon. We don't like to feel disappointed... or worse , completely broken.. So why lay everything on the line to love people if it's only going to leave you wounded? Intentionally or unintentionally.

These past few years have been hard for me. People I loved died. People I loved got sick. People I loved talked. People I loved walked away. Everything in me wanted to shut down. It felt like too much. I didn't want to love anymore. It felt too unreliable. The moment I felt some certainty  was the moment I'd feel myself sink and my heart ache all over again.
I didn't want to allow love while the pain that resulted from it threatened to wear me down. Over and over, I'd say no more. No more to letting my guard down. My heart had become too fragile.

But that would mean I'm just existing. Breathe in. Breathe out. Day after day. Year after year.
I would barely survive. I would become numb to the beauty around me.
There would be no real quality to my life and the quantity of my days would feel like an eternity.
I would never grow or learn anything.  I would never laugh with someone, or cry for that matter...
I would never feel amazing. I would never feel much at all.
Or at least I would tell myself that.

That is not the life we are built for. This time here on this earth is not for us to hold back and guard ourselves. But rather to continue to stretch and to pour into others, even if there are risks involved. True there may be no certainty in love as far as who, what, when and how much of a 'return' you'll receive on your investment into another human being, if anything.

But that doesn't mean we just stop.

Understand this... we are here for a purpose.
Utilizing the LOVE that is instilled in all of us makes all the difference in the overall quality of our lives. We are not here to be alone and die never giving our best to someone else. We need to do more than just breathe. We are here for that child. that friend, that parent, that sibling, that significant other. We're even capable of loving strangers. People do it all the time.

Despite our misgivings, bad experiences and our fears. We are capable of choosing love over it all.

I've learned to be quiet.
I've learned to hide.
I've learned to smile, in spite of...

Yet somehow it hasn't helped me. Not really. It may have temporarily distorted how people perceive me.
But eventually I will be found out. My reputation is on the line.

And even if I'm not exposed, doesn't God already know?

Being a person of faith has at times made me afraid to admit when I'm weak.
Because if I admit it, it must mean I permit it.
If I admit it, it must mean I am not strong in faith.
If I admit it, it must mean that something is wrong with me.
And if I can't be the superhero that everyone needs me to be, then I have nothing to offer.

Wrong.

I fail. I struggle. I flounder.
Yet somehow when you say that, people will still want to believe that your distress just sort of fell in your lap. Because it's easier to be somebody's cheerleader when you believe they were just an innocent bystander unwavering in their faith and obedience when suddenly their life went askew without warning. Bad things happen to good people perhaps?

And even though it's not completely effortless, somehow it does seem easier to tell you that I've wrestled with things like rejection and depression. I've battled feelings of inadequacy as a mother or being a weak link or I'm lazy and unmotivated or sicker than I ought to be most days. Because most everyone can admit those seasons are woven into the tapestry of their life.

But who out there is ready to admit they struggle with the big stuff? I remember sitting in church years ago and we had a guest speaker who was speaking on freedom from the chains that hold us captive. As he was speaking, he said something like "Some people are dealing with a pornography addiction." And this man yells out, "That's me!"
Alcoholism--That's me! Lust--That's me! Gambling addiction--That's me! Drug abuse--That's me! You get the idea. He just kept going. Everyone in the room just sort of looked from side to side wondering what do we do? Do we giggle? Do we shut him up? Do we just side-eye each other and pretend he didn't just go there??! ---But while the situation made it slightly awkward for everyone else in the room, I can't help but think he had the right idea. Gaaahhh!!! Don't throw your stones at me just yet.

Because friends. My imperfections don't just stop at depression and allowing myself to be sicker than I care to admit (although some people can't even admit that). I grapple with the big things too. I'm not unlike you. Those words that make everyone uncomfortable and no one wants to admit. Yes, I've been there.
I mean- I. Have. Been. like...... There.
Is that okay? We still good?

However, in my admitted weakness and despite whatever person is giving me the side-eye, my faith remains unaffected.

Because when did it become taboo to admit we need Jesus in our weakness?
When did it become off limits to confess our shortcomings?
When did we start frowning on people whose struggles were found out, meanwhile we contend with our own?

"Therefore I will most gladly boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may reside in me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Our fake smile. Our hidden struggle. Our zipped lip.
That is not true freedom. Not even for a second.
In fact it's the opposite- with a pretty tight lid to keep you there.
Freedom is not found in a put on, pretense or phony front.

It is found in our willingness to admit we need Jesus.
And in our declaration that He alone is our strength.

Life has changed. Over the past few years, fragments of my life have been uprooted and what has replaced it is hardly recognizable. Not necessarily bad, just different to what I once knew. Locations, people, even day to day routines have all readjusted themselves and I'm still trying to find my place in it all.

I'm a suppressor. I tend to avoid difficult conversation. Although I 'talk' in my online spaces a lot about the things on my heart, my confidence lacks when I feel uncomfortable and confused. I'd rather not talk about something that makes me sort of churn and question everything on the inside. I wouldn't say that I completely sidestep discomfort, but I deal in my own way. Because it is what it is when change happens to you. All you can do is deal. Pray. And move on with your life.

I sort of shift back and forth between this place of  dodging everything I might feel if I think about it too hard, but also just wanting to just get it over with and progress with my life.

In general, I think just dealing with it is better, because once I do, there is no longer this giant elephant looming over that space in my mind. But for a long time, I hide out in my own thoughts playing hide and seek with my emotions. I just don't want to go there...until one day, I do. It's time to rip off the band aid.

And there it is. Change. That awkward revision of our lives.

Although things may appear somewhat distorted, I remain assured that everything will be okay. Because isn't it usually? I mean, yes, it affects us, it attempts to break us for a season if it's a hard thing, but it also makes us stronger. It gives us experience that we would have otherwise not had. This commonly unwelcome metamorphosis has the ability to fill an otherwise dull story with significance. Life goes deeper than just the day to day, 9-5 and repeat. It means more when we feel more. And when we allow ourselves to feel that sort of shock that comes along with change, suddenly we can somehow appreciate it and realize it's only a chapter in our story. An intense one perhaps, yes, but our story continues nevertheless. This time with more determination and heart.

Along with all the big and small changes happening in my world over these past few years, changes within me are happening as well. I've more recently stumbled upon fresh motivation to do more of what I love. 

Because if I don't do that, what am I doing here with my time here on this planet? Why shouldn't we do more than dream? Why shouldn't we make better use of what has been placed deep within us- without feeling guilty? Isn't there a single spot or two in our week where we can celebrate who we truly are, beyond our daily routine?

Change feels ugly much of the time. It makes me nervous and feel sort of cringy. (You can thank my kids for my vocabulary.) But hidden deeper I know peace. I know assurance. I know truth. Even after all the crazy, hard, wonderful and unexpected things that have been thrown at me, I am still standing. And because of that, my trust remains in the Prince of Peace.

So instead of hiding out from the uncomfortable feelings, I will face them. I will allow myself to feel them, but not sulk in them and let them derail everything I know. And I won't be afraid. Rather I will hand them over to God. And I am comforted knowing my heart is not defined by the changes surrounding me, but more so by the changes within me. My life is not less because of change, but rather more because I know more. And I've become skillful in handling new things, hard things, better things with the grace that's been supplied to me. 

And as a result of this, I remain comfortable with being uncomfortable occasionally. For when I am weak, He is strong through me.

I love a good story. Actually, I love stories in general. I'm the kind of person who can watch pretty much any movie and have very few complaints. I entertain easily. I laugh readily. I cry unashamedly. I'm a sentimental schmuck. But the funnier or sappier the story, the better. I'll watch and re-watch the Grey's Anatomy episode where Mark dies over and over and over and cry every time, even though I know it's about to happen. Give me the cheesiest of chick flicks. I'll still love it, probably.

If you know me, you know I also love telling stories--kid stories or husband stories that have a twist of cringe worthy humor, which basically all of mine do, because such is my life. I love to hear people laugh with me and at my stories, because it's always a good thing when people that think your life is as ridiculous as it is, can laugh along with you.

I've made a habit of being a story teller. If they will encourage you or challenge you or simply make you chuckle to yourself, then I've done my job. I believe stories are influential. I believe they can captivate even the coldest of hearts and soften them. They can make the saddest of people, laugh, if even for just a moment.

I wrote a blog post a few years or so ago, called "I Am Not Broken." I wrote it because I was seeing a trend in Christian culture. A trend where we sing about our brokenness. A trend where we write about our messes. A trend where we put our struggle on display to prove to the world that we are authentic and relatable. We need to tell our story...Because we too are broken and bound. Huh? Wha??---It bothered me because the very reason Jesus came to this earth, was to heal the brokenhearted, to set the captives free. Why does it come so easily for us to put our weakness and brokenness on display? After everything Jesus did to give save us, free us, loose us, and heal us and put us back together from our fallen state- it seems a little unfair.
Is it possible to tell a story of who we were, who maybe we sometimes still feel like and still boldly voice who we KNOW we are now in Christ? I think it is. And it's a compelling one. A story that brings a dead, sad, broken, sick, lost person back to life and makes them whole. Paul said 'For when I am weak, then I am strong.' That's our story.  That's way better than telling people to 'Come to Jesus. You can be just like me. I'm still damaged and a mess, but yes, I am so blessed."

Stories are good. But sometimes we become too dependent on a good story to make Jesus feel real to us. I was talking to a friend a while back and she was really excited about a women's event at her church, in which she loved the girl speaking because she was real and honest and she could relate to her stories. I pondered over that concept for a few weeks, honestly. The idea that the Gospel could only be good news if the person sharing the gospel could entertain us first with a good story we could relate to? Could the promises of God, the hope of the Gospel and the message of Jesus be valuable in and of itself? Is it possible that spending time with Jesus-- just you and Him---could breathe life into His words more than any person's story could ever hope to?

I know so.

I am a story teller by nature. I thrive on vivid descriptions and funny anecdotes. I am inspired and motivated when they are told with enthusiasm. I am hopeful when they are told with conviction. I may even believe them if  the person telling them sounds intellectual and like they've done their research--(no Netflix documentary, I'm not pointing at you.) I love hearing them. I love telling them. Jesus even told them to help people understand.
But I don't want to just be stirred emotionally by someone's story, as exceptional as it may be. Because their good story neither has the authority, nor power to change my life.

What happens after the story is over?

Friends, the Word of God is alive. It needs nothing to back it up. The closer you are to Jesus, the less you will need an illustration or an incentive for the gospel to be real to You. My challenge to you is to spend time Him. Get to know Him. Just you & Him, alone in a room with His Word, prayer and worship. Let His story become real to you, just as it is.

A fit of nostalgia. Is that what they call it? I don't know. 

Life is good. I could end right there. It's good.

Life has been good for me for awhile now. I've gone in and out of troubling scenarios with my kids or my health, but by the grace of God, I survive. I gain wisdom, understanding and strength. I'm way stronger now than I've ever been.  Not physically, but that's an whole other topic. But I know who I am and what I want more than I ever have. And I know who to go to when life seems off kilter.

Seems being the key word. Because the word "seems" usually parallels to the word "feels." And we know that what we feel in a moment or in a season may not necessarily be truth. Although, I do validate feelings, because they are real. You can't tell someone to not feel hurt or sad if they are hurt or sad, but the question is 'where do we go or what do we do with those feelings?' Is it possible to move on?

I wanted to share something that the Lord spoke to me recently that has helped me a ton to move on and live in freedom and really love people. I'm mean for real. Love them. It's super simple, yet chock full of wisdom.

Last summer, I was feeling yuck. I can't really put my finger on it. But I was feeling sort of hurt, offended,  and just overall sad. People were making me sad and it seemed as though I was living a life of being either let down or full on abandoned by people. It's sort of the unfortunate nature of the beast when you are a preacher's kid. And I just got used to it. People leave or people talk, and you hear about it. And if you let it, it can take a little piece of your heart every-single-time. And I was feeling weary and worn down of living the past 30 years this way. It can be rough. I was honestly just tired of smiling and hugging people or liking everyone's facebook status in my very best attempts to 'walk in love.' I was doing a pretty good job of pretending I was okay. I was letting it roll of me 'like water off a duck's back' as they say. Yet inside, I was one big Blahhhhhh! Ho-hum. Wah-wah.

I was taking a walk, talking to the Lord about it one day. I didn't want to try so hard to walk in love. I really didn't. I was tired of making the effort to love. What I really wanted was to genuinely love people. Friends, enemies, frenemies and naysayers. I really just wanted to be genuine when I prayed for people. I really just wanted to hug people and not feel burdened on the inside with bitterness or sadness. And I was honest with the Lord about it. I told him like it is and how I felt. Because really, who wants to live like that? It's a crummy way to go through life. And God is cool like that because he listens. And He tells YOU like it is back.

The weird thing is, I didn't even realize I was holding on to any bitterness. I honestly thought because I was doing my best to smile and walk in love, that this was enough. My very best effort to walk in love was equivalent to forgiveness, no? As I was talking to the Lord about it, He said "Why don't you forgive them?" Wait, what? But God, I liked their facebook status. I smiled at them at church. I hugged them. I waved when I saw them at the grocery store. I did my very best, didn't I?

To even try to walk in love in our own strength, in particular when we've been hurt, will never be enough to move on or feel happy or content on the inside. It's a nice try and your heart probably is in the right place when you go on pretending as if all is okay for the sake of your 'love walk.' But if you truly want to feel free to love, it starts with forgiveness.
By that I mean, speak it. Say it out loud. God, I forgive 'so-n-so" and I release any bitterness and all hurt I have felt because of him/her. I want to love that person like you love them, with your love. I thank you for going to the cross for me, I thank you for forgiving me and because of that I can and will let go of any hurt or  pain because of what they did or said and I will let go of any resentment I've harbored ...and I give it all to you.

I hate to say it, but I had lists. Things I didn't even realize were hurting me still. And I went through them one by one. People I loved, people I didn't care for all that much, anyone and everyone. I remembered situations I had let slide. I remembered things said that made me cringe and my stomach sink. The tears rolled. But I gave every last bit of it to the Lord and I forgave 'em all. And wouldn't you  know it, my heart is free. It's free from all the yuck. The sad feels. The irritable feels. The frustration. And I can love people authentically now.
If a new situation occur or things get said that make me want to crawl back into the hole of contempt, I remember what God said to me... "Why don't you forgive them?'

I told you, Simple...yet profound. And liberating. Stop trying so hard. Just forgive them. And love will be easy.

I want to challenge you now. If you are thinking of a person or people that you've tried hard with. You've smiled. You've hugged. You've let it roll off you, in sort of a pretense of walking in love. Maybe you forgot to give it to the Lord. Maybe you forgot to actually forgive them. Maybe, like me, you need to ask God for his forgiveness for hanging on to it and trying to do it all in your own strength. Do it now. Say it out loud.
God, I forgive them. I want to love them like you love them. I want to walk in freedom from hurt and bitterness. I give it all to you and from this point on I can smile and hug  and love with sincerity. I don't have to pretend any more.

2016 taught me a good many things about what I want out of life. Particularly as I sat down this fall and began to give myself a few hours to really pray and think over what I did and didn't want. Like most of us do, I want the good stuff. But a lot of the time I'm too busy, too scared or talk myself into a frazzle or frenzy to really embrace the good stuff. Somewhere in my brain, the good stuff becomes the bad stuff. Because the meaningful and good responsibilities and opportunities in life feel more like chores, chaos, hard or things I have to do.  But I started to think, it's not the stuff that is bad or overwhelming. Could it be our perception of it has gotten off, rather? And although we may need to say no to a few things, a lot of time, we end up saying no to the things that were intended as blessing and abundance of joy and peace.

My friends and I talk a lot about how we need to get together. It's not like we ever walk away feeling disappointed in the once or twice a year that we actually do it. Yet, somehow getting ourselves to that point. That point where we HAVE to get dressed- HAVE to go out of the house and do something enjoyable with the people we love feels like a chore. Why is that?

Why do that things that are good for our spirit and soul and body feel so extremely hard some days?
I began thinking about how this happened. How did the really good things in life somehow become the things we sort of dread and maybe even stopped doing. We've lost perspective. We've lost sight of the blessing and joy we once felt really being with those people or doing that thing we used to hold important.  Over time we let life overwhelm us and we start saying no. But we start saying no to the wrong things. We began saying no, because we got preoccupied with unimportant things. Or busy things. Or us things. And the more we said no, the easier it has become to say no and eventually just stop all together. Probably not on purpose. Maybe our intent was a little break or me time (which isn't wrong) but somehow when we began focusing more on us, we forgot the things really made life worth living to us.

So recently and going into 2017, I'm saying Yes to saying Yes. I'm not letting the perishable things overtake the worthwhile and eternal things. I'm not letting my No be sort of an automatic response just because it's what I've become accustomed to doing in my, dare I say, laziness. I'm weighing the importance of the things I'm presented with and I'm choosing the good things.
I'm pushing myself to really esteem the people, the family, the church, my body, the calling and this life God gave me. I hold them highly enough to remember them, the spend time with them, to work on them, to encourage them, to smile with them, to talk kindly about them, to work diligently on them, to serve willingly with them and to enjoy doing it all. Because I don't have to do any of it. I get to. They are beautiful opportunities given to me by a merciful God who loves me and a Heavenly Father who knows what's best for me. A God who sent His son, Jesus to give me an abundant life.

I only got one shot at 2016. I missed chances to be present. I missed chances to change my attitude. I missed chances to love others. I missed chances to work on my health. I missed chances to smile and laugh with my people. I missed chances to honor and encourage people. I missed chances to step into what God called me to do. But in 2017, I am saying Yes more often.


-Being Bold and Brave in what God has called me to do. I know bits and pieces of my place in this big enormous puzzle of life. I don't know everything. But what I do know, I won't shy away from. I will walk confidently in it, because I know the Greater One lives in me. And I believe when I speak, God will speak through me. So I will walk in what I know...

-Spending more time with my parents. I see my parents often. At least twice a week. But I've taken for granted 'seeing them' and replaced really loving them with my time and heart for a brief hi and bye at church a few times a week. We've had a few scary moments (at least for me while my parents were in the hospital), though my trust was in the Lord. But these past few years I've seen how important it is to be with the ones you really love. Because life can pass quickly and for some too quickly. And I never want to have any regrets. I want to give my all.

-Actually seeing My friends. Sometimes this means girls nights in. Sometimes this means girls nights out. Sometimes it means play dates. Either way, I'm committed to not getting lazy and actually acknowledging my friendships someplace other than social media. I have never ever walked away disappointed and almost always walk away needing my inhaler from laughing so hard. This is so good for my soul. So YES!

-Going to church and liking it. Ok, I grew up in church. I was/am a preachers kid. Ever since I can remember, I've gone to church 3 times a week, if not more. As an adult with 4 kids of my own, it got more difficult, but we've tried our best. Because really, no one ever got hurt from learning about Jesus and sitting in His presence, listening to His word and being around other believers (for the most part). It's a habit I want to instill in my kids. Maybe it sounds old school. Going to church more than once a week. Hardly anyone does it anymore. And as our church has gone from 3 to 2 services a week and our midweek volunteer status has dwindled. It's been easier and easier for me to say NO to church more than once a week, because I honestly have no one to watch my toddler. However, with the convenience of the situation, it affected my attitude somewhat. Not negatively per say. Just indifferent, I guess.  I truly love learning the Word. I've been sitting under the same preacher (Daddy) since I can remember, yet rarely when I go to church, do I go in rolling my eyes thinking I've heard this all before. Because the Word of God is life and His presence is refreshing, no matter what. And I know if I go in expecting to receive, I will. So I am saying Yes to church and receiving what God has for me in the place he has me. If I'm going to skimp, this isn't the place I want to do it.

-Laughing and playing with my kids. 4 kids are a handful. I have a toddler, a teenager and two in between. It's not for the faint of heart. I've gotten overwhelmed and stressed and snippy and cranky more often than I like to admit. I've looked at my phone when they had to repeat their question over and over again...more often than I like to admit. And I want to have fun with them. More game nights. Movie nights (though those rarely go over well in my home). More conversation. More one on one date nights. I want to give them moments to remember. So when they grown up, they don't just remember how much I yelled at them, but how much we played and talked and snuggled.

-Fun day with Wyatt once a week. Wyatt is with me at home, all day, every day of the week. The little dude is the happiest kid in the world when we get to go somewhere. He loves to get out of the house and explore. So I committed myself to attempting a 'once a week' outing with him at a gym, play yard, fun zone, park, pool, wherever it may be.

-Gain Knowledge and Understand Truth. I am generally a really touchy feely sort of gal. I'm a heart girl more than a head girl. When God speaks to me, it moves me, tears me up, inspires me and really gets me thinking. But lately, I've sensed myself shift in a bit of a new direction. I want to gain knowledge and rescue truth in a world where so much opinion, false doctrine & political correctness is esteemed. And now when God speaks, it get's me excited because I can see His plan and purpose laid out throughout time. I want to know and understand what God is saying, why He said it and to whom He said it to without preconceived ideas. I want my heart to be wide open and my eyes to be wide open. I want to understand people's hearts too, yes, but so that I can better relay God's truth. Because His truth is the only one that will set people free from bondage. And I feel there is a reason God is shifting my time with Him.. I can't place my finger on it quite yet though. YES to Knowledge, Understanding & Truth!

-Writing. I started writing on this little blog of mine 4 years ago today! Whoa, I just realized that. And I've toyed with the idea of book writing or writing a devotion. Time, motivation and lack of confidence has kept me quieter as the years have gone by. But this year, I'm upping the ante and getting back into the swing of things. Yes to slipping away more often and letting the words pour on out.

-Rest, Nutrition and Exercise. I really hesitate even putting this out there, because ever since Wyatt has been born, I've failed miserably in all three areas. However, with current health issues and toddler issues, I really, really, really see (and feel) the need for good health and I have to start somewhere. I'm saying yes to better choices. Going to bed earlier more often, Yes to healthy foods (not just no, to junk food) and Yes to exercise, no matter how hard it seems to do it.

-Date Nights. Really, what are date nights? I sort of pride myself on letting the world know that Jeff and I have only been out alone maybe a total of 5 times alone since Wyatt has been born, for 4 hour increments at most. We finally took a little 2 night trip for our 20th Wedding Anniversary (What?!) But no more. We will budget and plan date nights (or days) this year. If they have to be in house, they will be, but they will happen. YES to fun and romance with my man!

-Serving and Encouraging. I sincerely enjoy serving people and serving my church. I like encouraging others. But at times, it has felt like 'what's the point?' When we are not recognized or felt like we are not needed, we can get apathetic in this area. But the Lord has spoke this to me, as written in a recent post, "Do It For The Ones That Show Up." There is always someone who needs what you have. My church needs me and someone needs to me to say or do what I can say or do. So despite what it looks or feels like some day, I will continue to step out and step in with a good attitude. I will continue to set my hands to good things.

-Prayer and Life Speaking over others. I'm tired of the complaining. I'm tired of the whining. I'm tired of the gossip. I'm tired of the tiny sparks our mouths may have set that turned up forest fires in the hearts of others. I'm tired of spoken fear, disappointment or lack. From my mouth and from others. And I'm done. I've said enough and I've heard enough. And I really don't think I've prayed enough about that things I was whining about. Have I said spoke blessing? I've let fear sit on my tongue. But no more. These past few weeks, I've made it a point to begin speaking LIFE. I've began praying for others. Lifting families and hearts and lives up to the Lord. Speaking blessing on people. Forgiving people. Speaking life over our church. Blessing over our nation. And thanking God for his continual presence & anointing resting upon the leadership in my life. I'm saying Yes in 2017 to using my mouth to speak blessing, rather than cursing.

-More Selfies! Haha! This is random and I get that it sounds self absorbed. But honestly, I think my lack of selfies has been more self absorbed than anything. My lack of pictures of myself, with my kids or with my husband or friends really has to do with my lack of self confidence in my appearance. The weight I put on with Wyatt, I only lost about 1/2 of so far. I've always lost my pregnancy weight easily (and trust me, I gain a lot!) and I've never been stuck so far above my 'normal' weight for such a long period of time. He's two and a half.  And I'm several years older since I've really taken a decent picture of myself or with my family to top it off, so I'm really just trying to come to terms that this is me, right here and right now. And I'm going to want pictures of myself with my kids. So, I've been working on it. A few snapshots here and there. Because I will want the memories. And I think when we say, "I don't want to be in the picture' it's more or less because our fear of social media. But yes, we will want the memories with our people.  And I want to believe in myself, not just my appearance. This is one time, I will say Yes to more selfies!



What about you?
What are some things you can say YES to more of this year?
Jesus came that you could have an abundant life! Are you saying YES enough to the things that are good for you? Are you saying YES to the blessing He's been trying to hand to you? Are you saying YES to having a fulfilled life?
Don't let your NO become your normal. Just say Yes!

I got suckered in. I was at a jewelry party one afternoon about six years ago and I got suckered right on in. Not just into buying a $79 dollar necklace. That's one thing. Deciding I was going to sell it was another. But I did. I became a Lia Sophia home sales consultant that day. And for about 8 months or so, I sold jewelry. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. I loved having something I could do on my own and be proud of. Something besides be "Mom." (I wear the Mom title humbly and appreciative now, but that's a whole other story.) However. I'm not a real assertive, pushy sell what I'm selling to you kind of person. I actually really hate trying to convince people of anything, unless it's the word of God. But that just comes easily, because, well it's truth. And it's life.

But I remember trying to convince and tug at people's heartstrings that year, to puh-lease host a party for my new business. And I must have made a profound impact with all my begging because my cousin agreed to have a party and went on to  invite a slew of co-workers, friends and family members to her home and she had quite a few of them that reluctantly agreed to show up. But closer and closer to the party, they started cancelling and bombing out on her. I remember her email so clearly because I could relate. She said "This feeling sucks. I'm never doing this again. I don't know how you can do this over and over." As a sales rep it didn't bother me so much.
I wasn't really all that interested in making millions. But as a human, I knew the feeling. The feeling of anticipation followed by a feeling of let down and finally rejection or abandonment.

It's a feeling most of us are somewhat accustomed to. But particularly if you have ever led or planned or put significant time, thought or passion into anything. Ever plan a birthday party for your kids and only three kids show up? Ever put your heart and soul into a message for your bible study or home group and only 5 show up, when last month it was 20? Ever watch your blog or band or ministry peak and then little by little people start trailing off to find something flashier?

This is a little awkward for me to write because I've grown up in the church (in the ministry) and people that know me might read this. I never want it to sound like I'm whining, because it couldn't be further from the truth. It's the exact opposite. I'm refreshed. Because I've experienced healing and thankfully some wisdom in this area. And it's been on my heart to write this to you for awhile. I want you to know that if you have become familiar with this sort of disappointment and it became a game changer for you, I hope that what I'm writing will open your weary eyes just a little to see a new perspective.

Whether you are a parent or a preacher, an actor or a small group leader, a business owner or a school teacher, a musician or a writer...you probably know this feeling. If you've pursued any sort of passion or served in any capacity, this is for you. This is for all the people that are walking this particular path today, because I've been there. I know that feeling of disillusion when it seems like people aren't with you and I know it's intimidating. I've planned parties and youth services and women's events. I know what it is like to feel like people don't care about all the hard work you put in. I know what it is like to watch crowds of hundreds trickle down to crowds of tens over the years. I know what it's like to promote or advocate something you are so incredibly passionate about and people just don't get it. I know what it's like to feel like a cast away. A has been. I've seen it all.

I remember going to a small home make-up party a friend was having a few years back. She planned and prepped and of course, had all her carefully planned snacks set out. And shortly before her party, my mom called me up and said "Do you want to go to her party?" I said, "Sure." And off we went. I'm glad we did, because when we got there, we realized that we were the only ones that showed up.
As I write this, I can think of a dozen examples either from my own life or peering from the sidelines and watching other people as they abandon their passion, something they truly loved doing or even what God had told them to do because this very thing has happened to them.
People stopped showing up.

Not everyone is empathetic, but I think that is why I am such a cheerleader for other people. I hate to see people feel unsupported or let down. I hate it. So as much as I can with four kids. I try to show up. And I don't just want to make an appearance. If I go, I want to really be there. Ya know?

A few years ago, I was talking to the Lord about this. I don't remember the exact details, but I had probably planned an event of some kind with a probable small turn out and I distinctly remember hearing these words, Do it for the ones that show up . That pretty much rocked my world. From that day on, I have been able to plan and prep and write and speak with little disappointment to who wouldn't be there, but more prayer, thought and time spent into who would be there.
Do it for the ones that show up.





We can spend all year long feeling let down, wondering why people don't care or aren't there, listening to rumors, or feeling forgotten. But this was never even supposed to have been about us anyways, right? Why are we so worried about the people that are not there any longer? Or maybe were never really there to begin with? Why do we question and muse and plan our lives around the people that don't show up?

What about the people that do still show up?
What about the people that do still need us?
What about the people that do still believe in us?
Do those people matter?
Not that we can't genuinely love people that aren't around, because I believe we can. We needn't cop an attitude with the no-showers and naysayers. And there is certainly an aspect of reaching outside the box or beyond the four walls. That's a whole other post. But the point is, there are still people showing up. What about them?

I'm a mom of four. My kids are 13, 11, almost 8 and 2. The summers are loud and slightly chaotic. During the school year, however, it gets quieter during the day. My two girls who are my middle children, go off to private school all day. My teenage son comes home around 11 in the morning from 'brick and mortar' public school and finishes off his school day with home school. Either way, it's much quieter in my house. And either way my kids are getting older.
During my days, not nearly as many people need me for things. Even with the teenager home doing his home school, there is still an awkward hush in my home. But that doesn't mean I get to sleep in. Unfortunately, I can't sit on my butt all day. I just can't stop
"Mom-ing' because most of my kids are either off at school or being quiet upstairs. You know why? Because I still have a toddler at home.
I think any mom with a single kid at home can tell you they are very needy. Almost more so, than if there were two or more children keeping each other busy. Alone, he may not be as loud and rambunctious as having the four kids here. But he still needs me to be Mom all the live long day --and sometimes well into the night. My crowd may have out grown specific needs from me. It may just be one on one during the day. But guess what? That one single tiny cute child still shows up every single day. He points to the door and says "Side" (Outside) or to the window and say "Cai" (Car) or to the kichen and says "Mmmmm Mmmmm Ahh Ahh Eat" (I think you can figure that one out.)
It's just me and you kid, and because it's just me and you, I HAVE to show up. 
I'm there. Showing up. Just for you.
He still needs me just as much, if not more during the days, in particular while the multitudes are gone away and not entertaining him.

Do you see my point? That one tiny child all by himself still needs me to show up and do what I am here to do. It may be lest hustle and bustle and more slow and steady, but I still have to do it. And guess what? Slow and steady wins the race.

If I could tell any one person on this planet that is doing anything in the way of passion, talent, calling, serving or obedience to the Lord-- I want to say this. Please hear me. What you are doing matters. It sounds corny or cliche'. You may have no idea the impact you are making on that one hyperactive child in your kids church or the disgruntled teenager in your youth group that never seems to pay attention, And you most likely have no idea how much you are helping out those parents. You may wonder about that small quiet lady in your bible study that keeps to herself but is always sitting there in the back of the room. You may look around to your audience and see 10 where you used to see 50 or see 100 when you used to see 500.  You may even wonder if  anyone other than that one girl even reads your blog anymore. But for that one kid or teenager, or for those parents who cried themselves to sleep, for that one quiet lady that shows up faithfully at your bible study every time, or for the noticeably smaller congregation or readership or crowd...for the ones that are still there. Do it for them.
Do it for the ones that show up. And take it seriously.

You may never verbally hear how amazing you are for doing what you do.
You have to be okay with that .
Just do it for the ones that show up.

I wish I could tell all my kids teachers and coaches and leaders over the years all the details of our lives. I wish I could share the struggles and hardships and tears and meltdowns. I wish I could always every day tell them how much they are needed to help guide and instruct and mold our kids. Of course the major responsibility lies in the home. But, it actually brings tears to my eyes when I think of how important my kids are to me and how quickly attached they become to the adults in their lives.
I've seen their confused sad faces when it's time to move on for one reason or another. They depend on people to care about them. They think the adults in their lives are committed to them and I hope they are, but it hasn't always been the case. And my heart is invested in my kids. And whether you realize it know it or not, their heart is invested in you. I see it every day.
Do it for the ones that show up.

What I'm saying is, every single response you make to influence the life of a single person, big or little....it matters. So do what you do, not half-heartedly because of the ones that are no-shows. But do what you do, for the ones that have always been there and will probably be there for awhile longer.

Because they still need you.
They need your help.
They need to know you care.
They depend on you.
They learn from you.
They look up to you.
They believe in you.

And maybe sometimes they talk about you. Or forget to thank you. Or misunderstand you.

But they are people. And people make mistakes. And trust me. It's okay to not worry about what everyone else does or says or doesn't do. It's okay to show up anyways. It's our job to be obedient to what we are instructed to do in this life. And trust me, as I started applying this to my own life, the Holy Spirit has given me such an incredible peace and comfort in place of fear or disappointment. His presence has rested on me and in our home in midst of the chaos, sadness and very temporary feelings of abandonment. I don't look to my left or right any longer when I do what I am supposed to do. At least not for any significant amount of time. I don't look to see who is not there, but I look to see who is. And I see exceptional people. And it's possible that if even one of them gains any encouragement from my being there, I am there for them.

Do it for the ones that show up.

I logged into my blogger account just for the heck of it. I wanted to see if words would come given the opportunity. I noticed I had become eerily quiet over the past 5ish months and even more so over the past few weeks. I wondered why. I don't have any real agenda of playing hide and seek. It just sort of happened.

As I hopped over to this long neglected blog space of mine, I notice the last post I had written was titled "Moving to Stars Hollow." It seemed ironic given the fact that (probably) like you, I just finished the "Year In The Life" Gilmore Girls Revival on Netflix. The gist of what I had written back in July was an effort to discern the truth from the lies that satan feeds us. The lies that make us want to pack our bags and skip town to something quieter with less responsibility. Some place like Stars Hollow.

I was feeling disappointment and fear setting in and I was getting an itch to hop the metaphorical red eye, abandon it all in hopes for greener, softer, quieter grass. I've never been a bigger, better, flashier kind of girl. I prefer smaller and quieter. Though I never really would do it, the thought of disappearing from the radar entertained me for some time. However, in my many years of life as a Christian, I know enough to know the main way satan works is in our mind. So I dealt with all the feels and I wrote it out in that post. To remind myself and remind you that that thing that you are feeling, and I am feeling... all those feels, they might not be the best reason to abandon ship and not only that, abandon your crew. Because as we are tiptoeing through this minefield of emotion, sometimes we can lack the true discernment of the Holy Spirit if we are not careful. What we see and hear and fear and think we know may have captured our attention far more than His still small voice.

These past few weeks have had me pondering life once again as I've weighed the ups and downs of life and ministry. Where do I fit in, what should I say, when should I say it, or should I say anything at all? Am I called to speak up or just sit on the sidelines. As Christians, we do carry an incredible treasure within us, so I don't believe that quiet is ever a life long calling. In fact, the Word encourages the opposite-to speak boldly. Yet in these past weeks, between our car getting stolen and family members suddenly passing away, I kept hearing the exact words that Jess Connolly and Haley Morgan talk so much about to women. "You're too much. You're not enough."
And it seems as though it's not enough to just feel one way. Somehow the enemy gets you to believe both of them at the very same time. 
Your personality is too much for them to handle. They just don't get you and besides that you don't have what it takes to defend and honor the Word and the truth. You are too much. You are not enough.

So I was feeling a little lost, I suppose. 

What is Life?

I could hear Shakespeare louder than the Holy Spirit.
Life's but a walking shadow. A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

It's a lie. And a depressing one.
Yet these similar thoughts have fed my emotions for awhile now. And without even realizing it, I could feel myself slip quietly into the abyss.

Then I watched it. The Gilmore Girls Revival. I looked forward to it for months. The fast talking, upbeat, lighthearted dramedy full of quick wit that made me mostly giggle for seven seasons. And this past weekend, my heart sunk. Lorelai, Rory, Emily. They were all wandering. Shakespeare's dismal words were being played out before my somewhat bored and tear brimmed eyes. The Gilmore Girls- they had plans and hopes and dreams. I thought all was ok. Yet nine years later, no one was really happy.  No one was fulfilled. And to top it off, I had to sit through that awful 15 minute musical. Actually I didn't sit through it, because I fast forwarded through it and could hardly believe that 15 minutes later it was still going.

If that was what Stars Hollow was like 9 years later, I'm over it. Take me back to the city. I still love Gilmore Girls, but I felt strangely unhinged given my already misguided apprehensions as of late. I sunk a little lower. Silly, maybe. But it happened, so...

As I sat in church this past Sunday morning and peered around at the small and quiet Thanksgiving weekend congregation, that feeling crept back in. That 'what is life' feeling. Or maybe it was a 'whats the point' feeling. 
Either way, I made a decision right then and there that these momentary feelings were fleeting. But the Word of the Lord endures forever. I was determined to check out of the feelings realm and into the faith realm. Feelings do not change the word of God. The Word of God is what changes our feelings. Whether it is preached in an auditorium of thousands, taught in a congregation of a hundred or read quietly in a room of one, The Word of God is alive. And if we choose to receive and apply it, it will not only change our perspective in circumstances, but it has the power to change the circumstances.

My dad has been teaching a series on being led by God's spirit.  With lots of examples and stories that myself and most of our congregation has heard a dozen or more times. But to me, it really clicked this week. I couldn't help but think that this is one of the most important things that a Christian need to know. But not many of us really do.
So many of us are still led by our feelings. Our hurt feelings. Our sad feelings. Our offended feelings. Our bored feelings. Our inspired feelings. Our motivated feelings. Our confused feelings.

But feelings change, obviously.
And feelings lie.
Circumstances change. Culture changes. Times change. Society changes. Moods change.

But the Word of God is steadfast and strong.
His protection and provision is readily available to those who will listen to His voice. Our feelings are in our head. If Gilmore Girls can control how we feel, it may not be best to map out our lives according to them -our feelings, not Gilmore Girls... (though I wouldn't suggest mapping out your life with Gilmore Girls in mind either, especially Rory).

His Word is (should be) in our heart. And His Spirit lives within us. That is where we need to pay attention. 

And I'm ready. I'm ready to look deep. I'm ready to listen carefully. I'm ready to ask for wisdom and discernment. I'm ready to know the difference between my feelings and His spirit actually leading me. I'm ready to be obedient when he says go and stop when He says no.

That is the safest place to be. All of my trust in the Lord. Never leaning to my own understanding.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Out of all the articles that could have caught my attention today, the one that stuck out to me this morning was a sponsored post titled "5 Real-Life Towns Like Stars Hollow that Gilmore Girls Fans would love." Ahhhh..... You can thank me later. Small towns. As a kid, I used to live in a small town. I don't remember having any problem with it, but as I got older and we moved to the city, I remember thinking I'm glad I'm in the city. I could never live in a small town.

We have the same discussion over and over again. My son and I. He's a gamer. He's a youtuber.

I'm told I don't have a life. I don't know how often I've said that to myself. Or thought it.
But it's been a lot.
And I want to address this subject of 'not having a life' we hear of and speak of so often.

About 3 weeks ago, I was honored with the good ol' parental obligation of taking away privileges. It became a big thing in our home that day. BIG. I won't even go into the original reason, but we took computer privileges away from my oldest, about to be a teenager-but still a child, son. The original sentencing consisted of 2 days or so, but gradually additional days were added per attitude. Somehow, we wound up around the 2 1/2 week mark with no laptop, no phone.

He has only had a phone for a couple of weeks and technically it doesn't have service, but it's my old phone and is still able to connect to WiFi, so we thought we'd let him use it, all the while making it clear that it is still my phone and I am able to let whomever use it of my choosing. But mainly, he's the oldest, so we let him keep tabs on it. It was long awaited and begged for and he loved it from the moment it was handed over. So along with the laptop (his first love), it was the 2nd to go.

When do I get it back?- is always the first question. Usually in disgust.
NOT how can I change my attitude to get it back or what can I do to win your trust again, Mom?
When rolled eyes (by him) and pure frustration (by me) changed to let's sit down and talk, I was finally able to pull together my thoughts on what was happening and why. And then we talked.
"You will get it back when I feel you understand what life is really about and what it's not about."
I know that's big and deep, but it's not really. Life is not about the computer. Life is not about the phone. Or the tablet. Or the Wii U. Or the Xbox One. Or even 'wince'... Netflix. The computer we let you use is not a right. It is a privilege.  And your phone is not real life. When I say "Do your homework" or "It's time for church" or "Get ready for school" or "Come and eat" or "Let's do something as a family" - I am not interrupting your real life with things like family/ God/ responsibility because I loathe you and want to (I quote) ruin your life. Despite what you may feel at that moment.

Life is simple at this point. God. Family. Responsibilities. That's what I told him.
That's what having a life is. For real.
(I will add friendship on as well, because obviously that is important. But if you tell that to a 12 year old in the year 2016, with friendship automatically comes skype and gaming or things of the like, and we aren't going there for now.)

My heart to heart with my son turned into a day date with him with lots of hugs, apologies and him nodding his head in agreement of what I was trying to teach him. We had a fun day. However my words sat with me so much longer than that day.
What is life really about?

Just days later, those very words "you don't have a life" were casually flung in my direction (not by my son, for the record). Whether or not it was intended doesn't matter, because either way it made me think hard about what I do each day, what I want to be doing and who I am doing it for....

I don't currently work outside the home. I had a good 20+ years of work on the outside starting at the age of 14 and will probably get back there someday and will have the rest of my life to do so, but for now I stay home with my little man and of course, my four kids in the summer. I don't really want to miss a moment. (Well, maybe a couple moments wouldn't hurt -hint: free babysitters please) But it's just where I am, personally. And it's where I want to be. Over the course of the ups and downs of my adult life, I've realized what I want out of this life and I am 'going for it."
Going for it sounds small to to others when you are "just sitting around" -at home. But raising a family, being with your children and involved in almost every single moment of every day and experiencing every moment with them is gigantic. And beautiful. And exhausting too, in it's own way. If being a mom and who God called me to be isn't enough, I do also home school my oldest son part time (which even part time feels like a full time job some days- props to you full time home school Mommas!). I watch other peoples kids occasionally so they are able to work. And I volunteer more hours than people realize for our church all week long. Not to mention, I write my heart out when I can squeeze in some midnight moments like tonight.
But primarily in this season of my life, it is my honor to just be Mom. I can't imagine it any other way. When I tickle and snuggle my baby boy after the big kids leave for school in the mornings or when I pick my girls up from school and Leila talks my ear off or when I sit with Jada and we do devotions together or when I sit with Wesley and we go over his home school lessons together and he gets distracted with telling me minecraft stories, I never ever thought of it as not having a life. Every single time, I think to myself, this is what life is all about. Honoring the Lord, by loving my family and training them in the way they should go. This is the desire God has given me. In this particular season, yes, this is what I am designed for. For such a time as this...

All the other things we can desire or strive for on this earth, I wouldn't say they are always distractions from the true abundant life, but they certainly can be if we let real life become more about them and less about what will stick with us...

It makes me ponder all the Mommas out there who have had this very thought or said these very words out loud. I don't have a life.   I don't get any sleep. I can't get a babysitter. I don't ever get a break. I used to love to read. I wish I had time for myself.  We say it jokingly in our facebook posts or to the other moms, but half way crying on the inside, wondering where our life went. All this because real life is kicking your tail every single day.
Girl, you DO have a real life... and this is it. The circumstances may have changed (and become better really, I think)...But this is abundance if you know how to really live smack dab in the middle of it.
Be so so thankful and embrace each breath, each giggle, each minute. Work hard and at the same time, just rest. You're doing it. You do have it all. The dream. You just have to change the picture in your head of what life is supposed to be. (Thanks for that, Hart of Dixie!)

To all the Mommas that work so hard outside the home and come home to just a few short hours with their babies each night, to all the Mommas busy creating and writing and designing in between those home school lessons, to all the Mommas who desperately love their children, and are taking care of someone else's children too and never seem to have a kid free moment... I just want you to know, what you are doing is important. This is life. It's not a matter of not having one. It's a matter of what you what you want out of it, make of it, who the grace comes from and all glory goes to.

Change Your Picture.

When our desire and pursuit of God's heart, 
our recognition of the beautiful design of family (and friendship), 
our ambition to take on responsibility genuinely and with integrity, 
and our passion for honoring the Lord by using our talents and chasing those dreams God placed inside of us...
When these things all come together, then we have found a beautiful life and yes, a real life.
We have found the abundant life Jesus wanted for us and gives us. 
It's not about the things, the jobs, the titles, the comparisons...
It's about knowing who you are in Christ and embracing all He's placed around you and on the inside of you. Don't let it sit there. Stand tall in those roles you play in life. Wear all those hats proud. And as you do every moment, do it in honor to the one who gave it all to you.